Surprised.

The wheels begin to turn once again in my dead and stale life.

I’m rolling my trolling

Trolling the anime blogsphere.

Human feelings can never be true

Feelings are a lie and animalistic. I will never pursue any kind of relationship. I will stay single until the day I die.

I am 黒い.

Bad bad foodz and drank

There are some foods and drinks that I’ve been consuming that aren’t healthy for me. In particular coffee. I tend to be able to avoid junk food easier than coffee. I used to eat a lot of junk food when I was younger. I had a taste for me, but some how or another I’ve just grown out of it. I mean, I won’t hesitant to eat junk food on occasion with friends or when we’re out, but by myself I rarely do.

I find that I never have much of an appetite for things. I don’t understand how some people can eat and eat. One serving of food with regular portions is fine. Some can just get up and eat more. I’m always so stuffed by what I eat. I wonder if it is enough because I always get hungry later on in the day. Maybe I should spread out my meals? I eat around 10:30am since I don’t eat breakfast. This is right after my morning class. I usually eat dinner around 4:30pm or so. I wonder if spacing out smaller meals would be better?

About coffee, I don’t know why I am so caught up on it. It’s all college students friend, right? Usually, I would only drink coffee because I like how it tastes. Never to really stay awake. I hate how this semester I have been using coffee as a means to stay awake. I haven’t been sleeping at regular hours. Usually I would get to bed by 9 or 10, but getting to bed at 12 or later is horrible for me. It effects me bad. I get depressed, stressed and fatigued easily. I can’t wait to sleep at regular hours.

WHAT? You and I have shortcomings?

Those who prosper must decline; where there is meeting, parting will follow. All is cause and effect; nothing is eternal. Fortunes that prospered yesterday may decline today. Even spring blossoms and autumn leaves are spoiled and lose their beauty when they are enshrouded by spring haze and autumn mist. And after a gust of wind scatters them, they are nothing but debris in a garden or froth on the water.
-A Tale of Flowering Fortunes

I think I am generally optimistic about things. Although, the time I am typing this I’m not feelings so. A side of me wants to believe ill about life and the world. But living purely pessimistically too brings depression. Most problems and plights are a person’s own powerlessness short comings, and fears. But looking at it this way, I like to believe that the general person is trying their best to live too. This is because I too am trying to live and making the choices I think are good for me now with what I have. In a world with so much secularism and such, I too don’t feel much affiliation with a religion. But somehow I believe strongly that striving to improve one’s self is important.

Maybe pointless in the long wrong. Maybe it has no meaning. But to live life day by day with no self reflection or introspection-doing things on a whim-a person can’t acknowledge their shortcomings. I have a lot of them. We all do. Maybe in a world today, calling people out for their shortcomings is wrong because everyone is afraid about stepping on each others toes. Everyone is so soft.

It feels disgusting for me to write something spiritual (I guess?) like this because I am mostly an insensitive, uncaring troll and neutral on mostly everything. I go through these fluctuation of this feeling to improve myself and the desire to degrade others. I can be very white and black. I can’t explain why this is done. Maybe its my way of trying to feel better about myself in times of stress.

My mood seems to be shifting positive as the days go by. Is it the break, the fact graduation is on the horizon?

On a side note. 4chan and real life are different. Doing what I was doing on Facebook was probably a little far. I don’t regret it since it was amusing at the time. But, I want to be the kind of person who isn’t afraid to call people out for their shortcomings. To have an unrestricted opinion. Fuck being nice and watching out for other people’s feelings.

Beep

Emotions swirling around. Need some sleep to think things over better, but I never seem to get it.

Tired of school. Tired of everything.

Really miss writing

A lot of people do things they’re not go at but keep doing it because it brings them a sense of satisfaction and enjoyment. There are a few things that I do that fulfill these criteria. Exercising is one of them, but the one I want to focus on here is mainly writing. I’ve been writing ever since 4th grade. I used to have a really wild imagination, but most of it was just anime and JRPG inspired. I really was dead set on becoming a fantasy writer at one point in my life despite never really reading much to begin with.

But creating something with my own hands and calling it my own gave me a wonderful feeling of satisfaction. The same with drawing which I always say I want to do more of but I never dedicate the time towards it. I keep making excuses about it like I’m not good or I have other things I need to level up skill wise. I think I have a real talent for drawing at least in my eyes. Only if I developed it more.

Anyway, back to writing. I stopped writing fantasy kind of plots and focused more on things closer to home. Myself. As you can see from this blog, I have been writing for a long time. It always hurts me inside when I don’t write something everyday or every other day. A lot of events or feelings go unrecorded but I guess if I really don’t feel a motivation or drive to write, why write anything at all?

I think I’m not a great writer. I don’t use very big words or express any grandiose philosophical observations. I just write how things effect me on an emotional level. And that is what is fun about writing about myself or anime and games. More anime and games because I really can get hyped about that depending on the topic. It’s only been at least ten days since writing this that I haven’t wrote a new entry on my other blog, but it is so killing me inside because it feels like it’s just been rusting on the whole.

I haven’t been watching anything awesome or stimulating. Whenever I read something cool I feel like, “Oh awesome! I want to write about this or I’ll respond to this later.” But I never seem to. Ugh, this semester is killing me. Really miss writing even though I’m really bad at it.

JACKED UP – COFFEE

Well, I just got the majority of my Japanese thesis paper done for tomorrow’s due date. This thing is shit and really reminds me of that one project I had during the spring semester in Japan. Ugh… I did up to page 4 in writing but I only smacked a giant graph in page 5 and called it a night. Two pages of Japanese is just too much. Although, it was my own fault. If I was really the over achiever that I try to be, I would have edited the pages she gave back then did the new pages gradually. Instead of doing all this in one day/night. Yeah, shit sucks, but oh well. senioritis + lack of motivation = not feeling cool.

I never did write about the Ali thing going on yet. I kind of did but not really. Why does it feel so hard to talk to a person when you start thinking of them in a different way? So weird. I’m not really sure how I should go about this because she just seems like the type that would be uninterested in a relationship, but for sure I am interested in her. Also, the lack of time mixed with how I think she feels is making me feel like I shouldn’t even pursue this route.

I think I once said that when the time comes I will know when to pursue a relationship. This is probably one of those times. It’s funny how Bobby made those thoughts resurface because at one point I was interested in Ali even before really meeting her in Japan. Renee even said something during my time in Japan. I didn’t pay attention to it.

Man, I should just fucking do this and ask her out. What do I have to lose?

Not many other feelings in mind. Just need to get a lot of these papers cranked out and not to mention JET application. Feeling pretty neutral. My horny feelings have finally subsided and I’m not looking at women as objects. That was a pretty strange few months there. Definitely a stupid dog in heat.

GLAD MY ENGLISH PAPER ISN’T DUE TODAY!! SO GLAD IT WAS PUSHED BACK TO TUESDAY BECAUSE I SURE WOULDN’T HAVE IT DONE!

So jacked up on coffee I can’t sleep…

Note to Self by Samara O’ Shea is a story of a bitch and whore

I recently finished Note to Self: On Keeping a Journal and Other Dangerous Pursuits. Despite its rather innocent cover, this wouldn’t be a book to give to a child or the sensitive. Maybe a young adult? I don’t know. This book confused me because its purpose is to help those who want to keep a journal but don’t know how to start. But it doesn’t really do that.

The thing is by the time you finish Note to Self you’ll know more about the writer’s raunchy sex life and upbringing than about starting a journal. Don’t get me wrong because some of her stories from her actual journal are interesting and well written, but I didn’t buy the book to read about someone’s life story. I wanted ideas on how to boost my own journal. There are some ideas on how to do this in the beginning, but very few in each section as the book goes on. It tends to focus a lot more on Samara’s life story.

My main disgust comes from the final part which is basically just the writer going on about her sex life. Not really something I wanted to read since it’s actually pretty fucking graphic. Maybe doing something like this is a secret sexual fantasy of the author? Like I mentioned the cover really doesn’t reflect this at all. So, what the fuck?

Also, basically the writer is a bitch and a whore since she pretty much sleeps around a lot and she also cheated on her boyfriend and didn’t even tell him. Bitches and whore. That’s all most women are. Come on, I don’t want to start this again.

I found this review that basically sums up how I feel about this book.

Note to Self really shows that not all printed things are really worth reading. Who the hell was her audience? You’d assume it is people who want to start a journal or find tips but it doesn’t do that well. So, I’m overall disappointed. I have a strong feeling other women would probably like Note to Self. Sadly, this was a miss. Hopefully my next read will be better.

Free!?

Free Wi-Fi at Borders? This is perhaps the coolest thing I’ve encountered lately. Yeah, I don’t get out enough. But this is real neat. I’ll enjoy taking advantage of this on the days I come up here after I’ve graduated. This is so freaking cool!

Feeling a little better from my depressing kind of entry yesterday. Still feeling a little a melancholy but with a hint of hopefulness? I had talked to Sue my old boss from when I worked at Sears. Maybe not the best time since it was when she was actually about to leave work. I found out that no one works there anymore that I had worked with. Chris. Rochelle. Alicia. All of them pretty much left. Like I said in my entry yesterday. Times are changing. People are moving on. Time is moving on. Not all change is bad. Borders has free Wi-Fi now!

If this is one thing I am reminded by this is take the good and the bad changes together. Never hold onto things. Nothing is permanent. All things rust. So enjoy the time you have.