It’s fake. It’s a joke. I wish I had a REAL job. Sure teaching English in foreign countries like in Asia can seem like a real job but it’s not. It’s fake. They hired someone like me who knows nothing about teaching, about the psychology of students, and the fundamentals of the English language?

I want to do the best I can, but I’m filled which such anxiety from my lack of experience, and uncertainty. I’m not confident in what I do, and I wish I could speak with other people, other ALTs, about this, but it seems like no one understands or really minds it.

Is this something that I’ll just get over as time goes on?

I want to make a concentrated effort to understand more about this job. Just ignoring and resisting it isn’t making anything better. No one is just going to hand me the info that I want. I’m just getting stressed out being ignorant like this, and just remaining ignorant isn’t something I can do. It’s true this isn’t something I’m all that interested in or want to stay in for the long run. But since it’s something I’m doing, the least I can do is learn more about it. Even if it’s just reading one or two articles a day about esl, teaching english, or even looking up a new game. At least I am putting forth the effort.

Maybe then it might boost my confidence a little because I’m reading other people’s experiences and learning from them.

Ever since leaving Korea I’ve had a growing phobia of being fired. I try my best in the workplace but I fear that might not be enough. I think this also stems from lack of confidence in myself because I’m not a teacher in any real sense at all, but I am looked at as one and expected to know and perform many different tasks. This has caused me to stay up many nights studying Japanese whether it’s reading novels, watching TV or just studying the books. The faster and more effort I put towards this would logically mean the more I can start looking for jobs that I would feel more confident in.

Teaching English is easy, but I seem to take it all very seriously because it is something that should be taken seriously. But maybe my worries aren’t something I should worry too much about on the whole because I know I won’t be fired without warning. And I know if there are any issues, I’m going to be told about it personally and how to improve on it. It’s not something I want to hear, but it’s better than not being given and chance and just being fired flat out.

I need to relax more. I’m too young for this.

This has been something I’ve been wanting to write about for a while now. Sure it has nothing really to do with anime, but it does deal with Japan and my life here, and my blog has pretty much spilled over into other things from degrading women to voicing my own insecurities. So why not just throw this in to? I guess I just want to give the age old declaimer and just state that I have nothing against Japan, my coworkers, my students or anything really. I like my job, and the people are nice. I want to try and be as general as possible. So with that said I’ll jump into my year of teaching English.

Saying I’m feeling miserable isn’t the word really. I’m sick again. Probably from being out in the cold too much just a week ago, and then I had to go through having a minor ear infection which was self induced. Jeez that was really stupid of me. Least the pain has gone away but my ear still feels like it’s packed with cotton or something and all I hear is white noise. I hope it just fixes itself in the next few days.

Going back to the adult world again in the next few days. Feeling slight anxiouty because I haven’t really been around people in a while. I’ve gotten used to being relatively emotionless for a while. Ahh I don’t know. I hope things will brighten up in the next few days. I know things are really dependent on your own outlook on life though.

I’ve decided to not delete my Facebook. Just deleted people I don’t talk to. Put others under privacy settings and what not. Put other people I don’t care for on hide. Maybe I didn’t fully understand what social networking is or rather what it has become? I don’t know. I do know it’s all like a facade, and I hate facades. I would rather people be straight forward about things.

I need to go out and buy my lunch for tomorrow since I have job training early in the morning. Ugh… A coworker called me asking if I wanted to take a ride with him which was nice. He always seems to be looking out for me or rather the most concerned about me or what I’m doing. Perhaps because I’m the most quietest of people. I appreciate it I guess. I’m just not a people person and it’s nothing personal.

Just a few months and spring will be here. Not to mention my own birthday…

I’ve been really hating on Facebook lately but I’m just starting to realize how stupid the whole site is. For a while I thought Twitter was the site where you were just in a room with everyone shouting random things with no one caring, but in reality I’ve been liking Twitter a lot lately because people actually respond to my content, and I can comment on theirs. We have actually discussion. This doesn’t happen on Facebook. Facebook is damned boring because no one really cares about any of the content you post. The site is actually pretty depressing because everyone is out to make themselves look like their lives are exciting or better than what it really is.

I’m really sick of Facebook. All my “friends” aren’t really friends. Mostly just people I studied with in the past, and other coworkers. I don’t really know them at all. My true friends are people I could count on my hand. I also hate how Facebook destroys the mystery of getting to know a person. It’s like you friend a person and find all their stuff written there and you already know a lot about them. It’s actually pretty scary. I’ve worked with the privacy settings and now limited what my coworkers can see and all that. I wish I had done this months ago but it’s better now then never.

But that also bring up the issue that I really have no good friendships here. I have some people that I hang around with here but I guess nothing aside from that. I did go out with a couple and we travel around the area looking for stuff but maybe I appeared bored to them? And they stopped contacting me or having anything to do with me in that way. It’s true that I have a hard time showing myself to people. I don’t know what it is with me.

But that’s fine. I’ve always been alone. All I can do is strive to do things by myself. To better myself and strive to be better than those who don’t acknowledge me. The only one you can truely trust is yourself.

Been trying to get back into the swing of things again. Yesterday I went for a run. I did some jump rope for about a half hour and that actually felt a little better to do than when I was running yesterday. I haven’t done much exercising since I ran in a 5k marathon earlier this month. So I’ve been rather out of shape since then.

The thing is ever since coming to Japan I’ve been falling in and out of exercising. It’s like since I’m here I don’t want to just go out and exercise. I’d much rather sit on my butt and play a game or watch anime. I didn’t do that much in South Korea because I never really felt like I wanted to a lot of the time. Korea was boring for me and I didn’t have many options to stay entertained so all I did was exercise a lot. Plus it was one of the few things keeping me sane and stress free, which was probably why I pushed myself a lot and did it very often. Here I don’t feel very stressed out nor do I need that release. So that’s perhaps why I have less of a focus on that here.

Although, it’s not like I eat snacks and what not. I don’t eat snacks very often because I just don’t. Drinking alcohol is my main vice though. I need to stop because I find myself just drinking out of boredom and I know that isn’t right. I think I have a minor dependance on alcohol, but it’s not serious as in it gets in the way of my work or my responsibilities. I’m trying to once again just try not to drink alone. Last time I tried I last at least 2 weeks. It’s possible.

My sleep schedule is also out of whack as well. I don’t know if it’s because my body is detoxing or because of my throat but I’ve just been feeling very sluggish as well. Maybe I’ll feel better when I start eating better foods and exercising again.

I feel very reluctant to type anything personal here anymore. The Internet just isn’t what it used to be honestly. Everyone is an asshole for the most part, and while I am an asshole myself at times, I can’t help but not desire it when it’s done to me. I guess that just makes me a hypocrite. In any case, this is the last time I’m keeping this public. It’s not like I have anything important to say and I’m probably just someone with a lot of issues, but I feel like by typing publicly then someone somewhere out there is listening to my voice. Maybe it’s no one out there, but that thought just gives me some hope.

The New Year has come and gone. I’ve had a nice little week to myself in Tokyo. Mostly doing very otaku things, but it felt good. But now that I’m back home here, I can’t help but feel alone. Traveling and doing what I like is good when I can but now being back, I feel absolutely at a loss. Maybe it’s me just adjusting to getting my life back into a balance? I was surrounding but tons of people for a while there and now I’m suddenly back in this small rural town. I’ve probably gained weight again but nothing like a little exercise and fasting can’t heal up.

I hate Facebook lately, and I hate the people I’m friends with. I don’t even know why I really use it anymore. Mostly just to keep in touch with family, post photos and talk to a few friends from back home that I grew up with. Yeah, I’m hating on Facebook again, but it just seems like what’s the point for me to use it when no one really has any interest in what I say. No one wants to enter the conversation. I guess this is why I seem to use Twitter more now. But even that is very on and off. I also don’t have any friends around here. I do have some people I hang out with on occasion, but at the end of the day we’re more or less acquaintances than good friends. Is that all relationships turn into once school is over? I don’t know.

I’m just very moody lately. I can’t explain it. I feel very insignificant and I’m always worried about my job as if I’m going to be fired. I don’t know why I let this bother me. It’s not like I’m not trying to do my job. I don’t know. I’m known to be paranoid.

Things are going fine. Was in a marathon on Sunday. Ran 5km in 26 minutes and got in 27th place. Not bad for my first marathon. It was a lot of fun.

Winter vacation is coming up. Probably going to check out Kamakura and the Daibutsu there. I could use some time off for awhile.

Today was a better day.

Ate 78 yen curry rice for a Thanksgiving dinner. lol

I hope I remember to buy snacks for DnD tomorrow night.