Music is awesome

So, apparently they don’t make the 30GB Ipods anymore, which is what I had. Now they have 80GB Ipods. I bought that which was relatively the same price but holds 20,000 songs. Good deal and awesome upgrade in my opinion. I’m putting all my music back onto my new Ipod, and I’m finding songs I’ve never even HEARD before. This is the problem with Ipods. Least with burning CDs you choose the best of the best that you liked, but with Ipods there is so much fat that needs to be trimmed off, and in my case, I seem to listen to the same 100 or so songs even though on my last Ipod I have about 5,500 songs on it.

Also, maybe with these 6th generation Ipods they kinda reworked the shuffle feature or something. I dunno. Oh well, finding good music that was ALWAYS there is awesome, but kinda slowpoke like.

Damn it dad

I am too drunk to care right now but for one thing.

1. We are just children looking for an escape.

2. I don’t care how I act in front of a bunch of freshmen college students.

And.

3. My Ipod was stolen from my car because my dad never locks my car door niiiice. He owes me $300 dollars. A fucking god damn, I lock my car doors and roll up my windows even if there is nothing of value in my car no matter what. Hate my dad kinda a lot right now.

Move on

I had about 500 words or so written out but then I read over what I wrote and then deleted it all. I realized basically it could all just be summed up.

Everything that once meant something or was important in the past, doesn’t mean anything and isn’t all that important anymore.

ぼろぼろ - Crumbling

Lately I’ve been very cynical and angry in my thoughts. I’ve been having this growing anger for a lot of things and in particular religion because I’ve been watching videos about people who say certain religions are true while others not and what have you. The list goes on. It just seems so pointless to me, and I want to go into an entire rant about how I feel but that really doesn’t make much of a difference than what they’re doing in those videos.

When I’m angry, cynical and just hateful of humanity that obviously shows that something is wrong with my balance. I’m probably just projecting the hate that I’ve been having for myself outward. I’m blaming others for my own inabilities.

Life is just so pointless. I imagine what if I just didn’t go to college after high school. I’d just be working some dead end job and living on my own the rest of my life day in and day out. I would have no opportunities to meet new people or experience new things. I would get no where. I find the same thing happening in my life now but it’s only going slower. All my current friends that I’ve come to know. We all kind of just hang out and we all know we’re going to go our separate ways and we’re all just trying to run away from the reality of what is to come at least that looks like how it is in my eyes. Real life comes down to it how much of a pay check you want to receive. So you get an education, and network and try to get a better job. What’s the point of gaining knowledge when you’ll die. What’s the point in doing anything but feeling good and having a good time? But doesn’t make sense because I absolutely detest my brother on occasion for doing just that. So perhaps I have more of a jealous feeling for my brother and his life style. Dunno.

Lately I’ve been wonder what is the point of morality? Why do I act the way I do, and why can’t I easily go against what is ingrained in my head. Would I be any better with them or go about things a different way? What exactly are my deep moral values? I just do what I “feel” and I’ve been pretty indifferent.

I’ve finally grabbed a hold of that feeling that could be best equated with excitement when it comes to going to Japan. I’m excited. I want to get away from here. I want to get out and meet new people and see new things and experience new things and settings. I want to grow up. Push myself. Find a new me, possibly. Ever since I’ve come back home I can only feel like I’ve lost all that progress I’ve gained throughout the year as I was living in a dorm at college for the first time.

Anime is boring

A side from the weekly Code Geass R2 episode, I haven’t really been watching much anime. I mean, I watched a lot of it at the start of the summer granted they were shit shows but I still watched a lot. Now that things are winding down I really haven’t been watching much. The same thing kinda happened last summer too, but for some reason I’m left with this feeling of boredom and anger. I mean I want to watch anime for the sake of just watching anime but then I’m just going to be left bored and wasting my time.

I’ve learned well enough now that I’m not going to force myself to watch anything at this point because it’s only going to make me dislike it more. Maybe it’s fear that I’ll fail my entrance exam so I should spend more time studying and going to bed on time. I don’t know. I can guess one of two things will happen.

1. I’ll either completely abandon anime or 2. I’ll just start watching it so casually now to the point of one or two shows a year.

I don’t know. I don’t know what will happen. I just want to branch out and experience new things and explore new roads. The anime culture and everything was pretty fun for a few years but now I’m bored of it. My feelings are different now, and I want to “reinvent” myself, I guess. I dunno.

I don’t know I’m stumped. I realize I could just keep making assumptions about why I’m feeling this way and they’re probably all true or some of them could be true, but I will keep moving forward.

Moving Straight Forward

I miss writing everyday. I know I say this all the time. I never know how I’m feeling anymore or what feelings I should hold onto anymore. Writing about myself always seemed to give me that sense that this is me and this is what Bryan believes in and feels. It reaffirms those things. I’ve just been doing it gradually from time to time and seems like I forget what I value or what I need to do with myself. Writing seems to give me that direction and motivation to move forward.

I’ve been focusing way to much of my feelings on disliking where I am right now. I’m making excuses and pointing fingers at everything but myself. Like, “Oh, my family/friends/lack of money/work is holding me back.” or “I hate being here so I’ll just not try my hardest because it’s my environment that is making me fail.” The truth is up until the point where I started working again for the summer I gave up on myself. I stopped working out, I haven’t been studying much, I’ve started to hate everything I like. I’ve given up on myself and no one is to blame but myself.

I need to stop concentrating on my family and the reasons why they just seem to be bugging me and focus more on what I need to do right now. I need to regain myself again. My self-confidence, motivation, the way I feel about myself have plummeted. It was just so hard for me to sleep last night. I was angry for whatever reason. I was tired of being a body. I just wanted to give up and die. Of course this might have been the adverse affects of the two beers I had a few hours earlier with friends. That’s weird how that works.

In any case, I need to move forward, work on improving myself and building myself up again little by little.

Fear

There is only 35 days left before I leave for Japan. I am so very scared and anxious about this than actually excited. I find myself crying from time to time out of fear. This is such a huge responsibility for me, and I’ve never traveled this far before let alone by myself. If I had the choice I wouldn’t do this because of my fear. I am going to be alone and I won’t have anyone to go back on.

I just find myself very scared and looking for any little thing to keep my mind off what I’m going to be doing. I can’t concentrate and I wonder if I’m as prepared as I should be?

You - IT WASN’T LOVE

I NEVER LOVED ANYONE IT WAS LOVE I NEVER LOVED ANYONE NEVER ALYSSA CATHERINE CATHY NEVERR I NEVER LOVED ANYONE AI JYANAI I NEVER LOVED ANYONE
I HAVE NEVER EXPERIENCED LOVE I HAVE NEVER LOVED ANYONE I HAVE NEVER LOVED ANYONE BEFORE I JUST WANT TO LOVE SOMEONE I HAVE NEVER LOVED EVER I NEVER LOVED ANY OF THEM IT WAS ALL LUST I HAVE NEVER CARED ABOUT THEIR FEELING I NEVER WANTED I JUST WANTED TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF I JUST WANTED THEM TO LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM TO MAKE ME FEEL GOOD I NEVER CARED FOR THEM I NEVER LOVED ANYONE BEFORE IN MYFELIFE I ENEVER LOVED ANYONE BEFORE I JSUT NEVER CARED FOR ANYONE BEFORE I AM SO I WISH I COULD JSUT LO9VED SOEMONE BEOFRE I JUST WANT I HAVE NEVER LOVED WHY WAS I ATTRACTED TO THEM BEOFRE HOW DO I KNOW WHEN I KNOW WHEN I AM REALLYU IN LOVE I HAVE NEVER EXPERIANCE LOVE BEFORE I HAVE NEVER I I I I I I JUST WISH THAT I DON’T KNOW I AM SO I THINK I HAD TO MUCH TO DRIN BUT I AM THINKING AS I RIGHT THINS I JUST I HAVE NEVER LOVED ANYONE IN MY LKOFE AND THAT MAKES ME FDEEL SO SAD BECAUSE I I HAVE ONLY KNOW THE SILIST APPEAL OF FEELINGS OF ANOTHER WHAT AM I DO TO?

WHY AM I GETTING SO SENTIMENTAL?

Sunday, January 15, 2006

> Dear Alyssa,
>
> We’ve never really met before… Well, we have but never really talked
> much before. I randomly saw you again on the internet, and that’s how I
> found your email. I’m sorry if this is alittle weird and random. I’m
> really sorry if you find it weird, but I have to tell you something that
> I’ve always wanted to tell you.
>
> I’m glad you’re doing well or I think you’re doing well? Anyway, I’ve
> always admired you from afar. I always admired your work, and I thought
> you’re a really great girl. Out of all the girls I’ve met, I thought you
> were the cutest. I had a crush on you but I could never really give words
> to the feelings I felt. I wish I could have, but it’s too late now. If you
> are seeing someone, I hope he is a good guy that is treating you right and
> I hope he realizes how lucky he is to have the trust and respect from you.
>
>
> I’m sorry if this is all weird. I don’t even know if this is the same
> anonymous-san I used to know from school. Still, I just had to tell you (if
> it is you) because I always respected you from afar and being around you
> impacted my life. That I am grateful for to have been in your presence.
>
> Once again, I’m sorry for this weird email. I don’t know if you’ll
> respond back or ignore it, but do what you wish.
>
> I hope for the best in your life, but I know you’ll do well. If anything,
> I would love to talk via email? I dunno. Sorry to have bothered you.
>
> Take care,
>
> -Jeff

Hi Jeff,
I got your e-mail. It was very sweet of you. I don’t mean to be rude by I
don’t remember you from school. Maybe you could give me a better idea of how I
know you. Did you go to (that place)? Anyway thanks for emailing me and get back to
me soon!
Ayssa
>
>

Sadly she has a boyfriend. I’m not surprised. Still, I think it was a nice gesture on my behalf. I feel bad because I lied. I lied about my name. Sigh… I’m such an idiot. Wow, I was right. I am running around in circles asking myself, “Why the hell did I do this?” Ugh… Yeah, what was I thinking.

-Ja

I must move forward and stop dwelling in the past. I liked those girls a lot for whatever reason but I must move forward. I am going to Japan so I don’t know what lays there. I don’t expect a relationship or anything but I just want to move forward and eventually find love. I am really very weak. I want to have a relationship. I want to have a relationship and get married someday. I don’t want to die alone.

This and that

Gone seem to be the days where I can just sit down and write something up, but like I’ve said before not much is really going on lately. Also, I just complain a whole lot less. A lot got on my nerves years ago which gave me a lot to write about but nowadays I just kind of slipped out of that, and perhaps for the better. I’ve always been a little reluctant to say that I’ve changed but lately for the past few months being back home I can really see it.

I’ve seemed to have slipped out of the circle of friends of those that I used to hang around from my high school. It’s been over at least a year now. I was never really connected with anyone from my high school class except for maybe a few people, but by that time I was a senior and it was over. In high school for whatever reason I just was kind of there. Maybe it was just something about me that kept people away, and the same could be said for middle school. I was such a messed up kid going through those hard jumbled feelings of growing up, and hormones. Those days feel so close and familiar and yet so far away. Whenever I get nostalgic I can’t help but remember this smell and feel of the sun coming in from the windows of my high school. I remember those warm spring days in the art room with everyone.

I regret not joining any clubs during high school, and I’ll probably say the same for when I’m done with college. Clubs sound like such a good idea but then I never really seem to meet new people anyway. I think I’ve met more new people just in my classes than clubs so far in college.

This summer hasn’t been a very memorable summer for me. Every summer I seem to find something so cool that hooks me for the summer, but I haven’t found anything awesome. I’m just working too much I guess.

I leave for Japan in 44 days. I want to make the most of this trip. I hope that once I return I will have grown into a better person. If I thought that I had found all the answers during high school, I’ve found that I was completely wrong. Life has really seemed to have begun for me in the past year, and everything else was just the preliminaries. I didn’t know myself or at least paid attention to what I really enjoyed resulting in a few wrong turns, but I’m glad things have worked out. Maybe I’m now on the right track?

I work in a few hours so I suppose I should at least get some sleep.

-Ja

Testing the waters

Ever since a few months ago, I’ve been interested in attractive men who dress like women. Attractive is the key word. Not any of those fat men that dress up in women’s cloth, but honest to good attractive feminine looking men.

I don’t know if I’m bi or not, which you’d think I would be saying so. I might be bi but there is nothing lost from exploring my own feelings further. The last thing I want is to just say things like, “Oh yeah I’m bi.” but only apply this to myself as another tag or personality trait to just tell people only to really not be so deep inside. Like what I was doing at Erik’s on Tuesday parading around saying I was bi, but I was drunk…

I’ve found that some men can actually be very hot, but only if they dress up as women. So, I don’t know if this makes me bisexual or not, but this is how I’ve been feeling. Erik brings up a good point that it is indeed the feminine traits that attract me but the only difference is that it is a guy, and that fact seems to excite me. At this current point, I don’t think I could do anything sexual with another man because I’m rather not fond of that, but a relationship seems interesting. But I am also troubled by the fact you can’t have a child with a man, and I’ve been one that wants to have a family some day maybe. Although I am young yet and I haven’t really thought about such things.

I blame anime for this but this entry isn’t too deeply about anime because this is a more personal entry than more anime centered. But, anime is fantasy and maybe I’m looking at this through rose colored glasses at this point and not looking at it in reality. It’s odd or maybe not but anime also was the cause for these emotions to take shape. I wonder to myself, “Maybe I’ve always been bi and I never realized it until this moment.” kinda thing. I wonder because if I wasn’t innately this way I probably wouldn’t find any appeal in it? Even real life cases? I don’t know.

Maybe I’m just weird and things like this never happen or work out in real life? So I don’t know if this is a reality vs. fantasy experience yet, but I’m young and perhaps I’m tired of possibly limiting myself to females. 2 options is better than 1. I am very interested in seeing where these feelings are taking me and how I will sort out and explore them. If anything this could be a passing fancy that will silently go away as it came.