Sing along with my midi if you wish. Its a decent song. Download it. The translation will be below it. I was going to put Kokoro and Pain, but I’ll save it for another day.

-Ja

Radical Dreamers – Chrono Cross

Osanai te ni tsutsunda
furueteru sono hikari wo
Kokomade tadottekita
jikan no fuchi wo samayoi

Sagashi tzuzukete kitayo
namae sae shiranaikeredo
Tada hitotsu no omoi wo
anata ni tewatashitakute

Toki wa ai mo itami mo
fukaku dakitome
Keshite yukukedo watashi wa
oboeteiru
Zutto…

Watashi no mune no oku ni
itsukaraka hibiite ita…
Yotsuyu no shizuku yori mo
kasukana sasayakidakedo

Itetsuku hoshi no yami e
tsumugu inori ga
Tooi anata no sora ni
todoku you ni…

——————

Held in young hands
The light is shivering.
I’ve come all this way
Wandering along the edges of time.

I came, searching still
Without even knowing your name, but
One little feeling
I only wanted to hand over to you

Sometimes I catch and hold
love and pain, tightly in my arms.
It will fade away, but
I will remember it… Always….

It has been echoing in my chest
For who knows how long.
Although it’s a whisper tinier
Than a drop of the evening fog.

Towards the darkness of the frozen stars
A spinning prayer
May it reach your distant sky….

Downloaded Bard’s Song finally from Blind Guardian. Great song. All there songs are. I need to get more CDs. Blah, back to finishing that Theology project.

I wish I weren’t feeling so sick right now….sigh.

You know, I’m pretty tolerable when it comes to Japanese music, but one person I can’t tolerate is Hikaru Utada. I hate her music. I hate it because its so R&Bish. I hate that type of music. I hate mostly all black music in general anyway. The worst thing that we did was give them rights. We should of just sent them back to Africa to die.

-Ja

Bard’s Song – Blind Guardian

Now You all know
The bards and their songs
When hours have gone by
I’ll close my eyes
In a world far away
We may meet again
But now hear my song
About the dawn of the night
Let’s sing the bards’ song

Ref.:
Tomorrow will take us away
Far from home
Noone will ever know our names
But the bards’ songs will remain
Tomorrow will take it away
The fear of today
It will be gone
Due to our magic songs

There’s only one song
Left in my mind
Tales of a brave man
Who lived far from here
Now the bard songs are over
And it’s time to leave
Noone should ask You for the name
Of the one
Who tells the story

Ref.:
Tomorrow will take us away
Far from home
Noone will ever know our names
But the bards’ songs will remain
Tomorrow all will be known
And You’re not alone
So don’t be afraid
In the dark and cold
‘Cause the bards’ songs will remain
They all will remain

In my thoughts and in my dreams
They’re always in my mind
These songs of hobbits, dwarves and men
And elves
Come close Your eyes
You can see them, too

I’m sitting here watching Forest Gump on abc. I like this movie. I haven’t seen it since I was a kid. It’s sad, but a happy movie too. Its just such an emotional movie, and I’m a softie at heart.

My day was alright. Its getting warmer outside so that’s great. I worked on my theology project at borders. I’m so grateful she gave me the weekend to finish it. I then went up to the mall not much else.

I forgot to mention that I had PSSAs this week. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. I think I did well on the first two, but I totally fucked up the 3rd one. It was something like what is affecting your community or something. I put that there are giant aliens that attack my town, huge pot holes with krakens in them, and man eating care bears that sell drugs, rape women and kill people.

Man, I have a sore thought right now and I hate it. I hate sore throats so much!!

I don’t understand my friends Erik and Zack.

Zack is an alright guy but he says alot of stuff but doesn’t really do it. It’s not like it annoys me or anything. Anyway, the thing that bothers me is I don’t understand him how he can say that he hates Lauer but then just go back to being friends with him. He broke his trust and he goes back?

I don’t understand some people. I just keep hateing people that annoy me. I hate people that don’t even do anything bad. I hate them just because its who they are. All I can do is hate the world and the people in it. Everyone I’ve ever really loved has left me in the dirt. I’ve always get the short end of the stick.

I don’t understand Erik and how he can just forgive people and just not care about them. I guess its called moving on. I never move on. I’d rather hold onto the anger and hatred. It fuels me, the dark side in myself…

-Ja

Uguu! I hate computers so much. Ever since I got this new cable modem everything has become more screwed up because of these firewalls I have. Hopefully I fixed everything now.

Blah, today was an alright day. I was able to dress casual. I had the alchemist symbol on my back so that was cool. I wore my iron maiden shirt too.

I wasn’t able to get my Theo project done, but thank god she let me have the weekend to get it done. I’m pretty tired right now so I’ll add more later.

-Ja

In Spanish today I was thinking about something. Why I feel a relationship with a girl is so important to me to live. I think it’s because I don’t see my mom. I don’t see her anymore. I don’t have a motherly tender figure there to hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright. To cheer me on when things are bad and to congradulate me when I’ve done well. I don’t have that love between a son and mother. There were times when I’ve had other mamas to teach me about things, about life, and myself. But they’re not my real mom, and no one could ever replace her.

Why the fuck did you fuck my life up mom?! Why? You too pops. I hate you guys for breaking up, and I don’t think a bond will ever mend between us. I can’t wait to say ‘goodbye’ never seeing you again.

-Ja

I don’t care how well I thought my day was…Inside I’m sad and no matter how much I smile or act happy I’m hurting deep inside. I wish I could see Cat again. I would probably cry, but then walk away. I have no business seeing her anymore…

I want someone to tell me that everything is alright. I want to love and give my whole heart to someone. I want this meaningless life of mine to have meaning.

-Ja

Just finished up The Vampire Lestat. Great ending if I say so myself. I can’t wait to read the next book, but not until I finish Dracula my next read.

-Ja

I had a pretty good weekend if you ask me. Friday was very slow, and I couldn’t wait to get out off school. Ugh, I had a Theo test and I know I failed. I knew almost nothing on the test.

After school I decided to go up to the mall and just hang around. After awhile I met up with Zack who was with Dustin too. It was a fun time. We walked up to Army and Navy and they had a bunch of band shirts. It’s awesome. I have to get that cradle shirt etc that they have. I also got Dracula.

I went up to the mall again! I’m such a mall rat. Zack IMed me from a computer in the mall, which you’re not supposed to be on in the first place. I went up and met him. He was hanging around these people that are always up at the mall. The one guy complimented my cross another time. After we got away from them we walked around for awhile.

Somehow I lost Zack but met up with Laura and Ashley. They were with a pretty cute bunch of girls. I didn’t hang around them much. So I was for the most part alone at the mall for an hour. It was boring as hell.

I got home and went to bed after awhile. I think I played a few games of WC3.

Today I had some of the weirdest dreams ever. They were all horror related and someone dieing. It was crazy. I rememeber one where I was at the mall as a vampire and I was being staked to death left and right.

I don’t know if I’ve ever really said this before but I’m proud that I can draw and express myself through art. I don’t know where I’d be if I couldn’t draw. I love drawing!

-Ja

Wind – Naruto

Cultivate your hunger before you idealize.
Motivate your anger to make them all realize.
Climbing the mountain, never coming down.
Break into the contents, never falling down.

My knee is still shaking, like I was twelve,
Sneaking out of the classroom, by the back door.
A man railed at me twice though, but I didn’t care.
Waiting is wasting for people like me.

Don’t try to live so wise.
Don’t cry ’cause you’re so right.
Don’t dry with fakes or fears,
‘Cause you will hate yourself in the end.

(Repeats)

You say, “Dreams are dreams.
“I ain’t gonna play the fool anymore.”
You say, “‘Cause I still got my soul.”

Take your time, baby, your blood needs slowing down.
Breach your soul to reach yourself before you gloom.
Reflection of fear makes shadows of nothing, shadows of nothing.

You still are blind, if you see a winding road,
‘Cause there’s always a straight way to the point you see.

Don’t try to live so wise.
Don’t cry ’cause you’re so right.
Don’t dry with fakes or fears,
‘Cause you will hate yourself in the end.

(Repeats)

Current Mood: Happy but Tired

Today at school I was strangely happier inside then usual. I don’t know if its because I got more sleep or what. Anyway, in the morning I saw Costa and Lauer walking around on my way to homeroom so I’m like, “Hey looks its that fag patrol!” Haha.

I finished my Theology project. It might be missing some stuff but who cares. Atleast I did some work to get a decent grade. Maybe she’ll give me extra for the comic I’m doing for it.

Read The Vampire Lestat alot today. It’s getting good but it’s still more of the same old. Oh, I’m a vampire. I’m so sad to live…your kin will turn on you kinda deal. It’s still good though. I’m thinking of reading Dracula next.

Lunch was great. Costa totally does nothing nowadays. Like what Begani said how in the beginning of this year I was like, “Go away I need to study/do work.” and Costa would talk alot. It’s such the opposite now. I like it this way now actually.

Uguu~! I have so many tests to study for tomorrow, and it pisses me off. Least its a Friday and I have study hall. Yay!

This weekend I’m going to work on my comic project part, and quit FF11 since I hardly play it any more now. It’s a waste just having it sit there. Kyosuke, an online friend of mine, finally got back on from being away for like a month. He gave me his cell number just in case I wanted to call him. I’m wondering if I should or not being 1 I’ve never met him personally and 2. You can’t trust people online no matter what they say.

I really need to buy Kanon for the DC and Tokimemo 3 for the PS2. I’ve been wanting to play those for awhile…

Yay! Its finally started to get semi warm or something outside. I hope it stays that way and get warmer out.

Today’s topic is my new doujinshi I call Broken.

Instead of being something that is done all at once a strip will be done in Megatokyo fashion. Every Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Until I get a scanner no one can view it sadly.

Anyway, its about this guy named Bryan Zarek who lives with his aunt in this mountain town. There he meets three girls all based on real girls I’ve liked in my life. (Yeah thats right! It’s one of these symbolic things).

Bryan is basically a reflection of myself so his personality can really flexuate from happy to sad to angry to happy again.

Bryan’s aunt is like Yuuichi’s aunt from Kanon. Just one of those nice figures that helps the characters if need be it advice, help in life etc..

The first girl he meets is Alisa (Can’t remember what her last name is). She lives next door and has a pet fox named Pip. Shes one of thoe generic girl next door types.

I don’t know whats really in store for the series but I’ll keep you posted as I go along.

-Ja

Let Me Be With You – Chobits OP

To make sure the two of us meet, I cast a spell
Our hands are gently touch, and then look at me smile

We pretend not to realize how we really feel
And suddenly, we fell in love
Let Me Be With You
Let Me Be With You
Let Me Be With You
I want to hold you tight

Until now, unable to say it, I’ve just been hiding it
I’m only acting strong,that’s all it is, please see

through it

Just wait five more minutes until we can meet
And after that we fell in love
Let Me Be With You
Let Me Be With You
Let Me Be With You
I just want to cry

When we let go our joined hands
It makes me uneasy It makes me uneasy
Let Me Be With You
Let Me Be With You
Let Me Be With You
I just want to hold you
I just want to hold you

I feel like telling a story about my life. A part I have no luck with either because I keep myself back or I just have no luck at all. This story is about love and some of the things that were around them. Each song placed at the start of each section reflects the song that I’d listen to that point in time that makes me rememeber that time the most.

1. Begining

Stars Of Tears – Xenogears

Your fingertips Moving gently to my heart
The force of Life goes on and on
The song remains
Like a haunting melody
Of angel music held in chains

(*)
And I ask you
Can we ease the pain of those who lost (The force of life goes on)
Can we know the cause of all this sorry (Tears of Loneliness)
Can we catch the tears of a broken wrold
Falling down upon the earth…

The waves of time take me deeper into you
A haze as blue as summer skies
And turn to find
The key will not unlock the door
This broken bird away it flies

* repeat

As a child growing up, I loved my parents. I was so ignorant and shielded from the troubles of the world. I didn’t know much. Then I was so fucking fat and short. Then, I didn’t care much about it. I was such a carb board cut out. We all were…us children. Anyway, there was a girl I liked. One of those age old childhood things. She was cute, and I figured she looks even more like Tifa Lockhart now from FF7. I was strange. I didn’t really think about her much. Her name was Alyssa. It’s kinda funny because after I moved from Parkland, I felt more detached. I missed her. Why? Why did I miss her. I wasn’t a friend of her’s. I didn’t talk to her. I think even then I was pretty shy as a child. I can’t bring back the memories of my past. They’re so deep down I’ve forgotten them.

In anycase, I missed her. I had nothing to grasp onto after my parents got divorced. All I could think of was finding her. So, I started walking. On a search to find her. I had no idea where she lived, but who cares? I was young and full of adventure. What’s odd is my dad is like so protective, and yet I was allowed to walk the streets while I was in 6th grade? I’ll never get that. I’d remember trying to find her house with my cd player and my Xenogears OST playing. Ha, the days before I had a computer. After awhile I just got kinda bored walking all the way to Parkland and back so I stopped doing that, and I eventually just gave up on her. I still went walking and worked out. It just felt good, and it was a way to get rid of my stress and angry in a positive way.

St. Francis was stressful and I had a hard time there. I had no one to really be around. To talk to. I was still a cardboard cut out. I’d keep away from everyone else. (Holy shit, memories are coming back.) If I could somehow decribe the way I was during these periods I was like Kaori from Tokimemo2. Hardly saying a word. Not interested in anyone. Until 8th grade. (7th grade was pretty pointless and doesn’t need to be told.)

2. Lost Cat

Melodies of Life – Final Fantasy 9

Alone for a while I’ve been searching through the dark
For traces of the love you left inside my lonely heart
To weave by picking up the pieces that remain
Melodies of life–love’s lost refrain

Our paths they did cross, though I cannot say just why
We met, we laughed, we held on fast, and then we said goodbye
And who’ll hear the echoes of stories never told?
Let them ring out loud till they unfold
In my dearest memories, I see you reaching out to me
Though you’re gone, I still believe that you can call out my name

* A voice from the past, joining yours and mine
Adding up the layers of harmony
And so it goes, on and on
Melodies of life,
To the sky beyond the flying birds–forever and beyond

So far and away, see the bird as it flies by
Gliding through the shadows of the clouds up in the sky
I’ve laid my memories and dreams upon those wings
Leave them now and see what tomorrow brings

In your dearest memories, do you remember loving me?
Was it fate that brought us close and now leaves me behind?

* Repeat

If I should leave this lonely world behind
Your voice will still remember our melody
Now I know we’ll carry on
Melodies of life
Come circle round and grow deep in our hearts
As long as we remember

I remember those times just like how I know Chrono Trigger like the back of my hand. It was 8th grade, and I think we were doing something with Art or we were done for the day. But I remember somehow…somehow Catherine said something about Sailor Saturn and liking her. Then and there it felt like destiny. I felt empowered to draw. I had to draw Sailor Saturn for her, but not just one but a sketchbook of her.

Ok, now people. If you’d see the thing now. The drawings suck. I’ll say it now. They suck. I’d burn it and draw new ones for her…well maybe not anymore..Ahem, anyway, I remember that day I handed it to her with a note inside. I don’t know what possessed me to do that…After this its pretty much the same story. I’d be like a broken record repeating what happens next, but for the sake of the story I’ll write it.

By this time we were conversing through email about things, and such. It kept me around. I felt like someone actually cared about me. I had a princess I had to protect. I’d die for her were things I thought about. I was a child, and to this day I still am. During this time, she was going out with someone from my class. Ha…I was so jealous. So angry when she’d talk to some other guy. That’s why I’d always be so moopy in class then. God, I hated the lock in for that reason…If I could go to that the person I am now I’d prolly enjoy it.

Every little thing she said to me or did I treasured. I remember she said happy birthday to me and put her hand on my sholder. I remember how it made me happy that day. Then he graduated…the summer came. It’s a little fuzzy here..I remember parts but its not relevent.

We met sometimes in the park outside her house. I loved those times. Just being by her side. Seeing her smile, how her hair moved in the wind. The sound of her voice. I was thankful just to be able to be in contact with her.

Of course then we had are fights. Mostly my fault over trivial things. I always did end up going back to her again. I couldn’t shut her out of my life. She was just to important to me. And then the summer came, I had finally after long last told her my feelings. I’ll say now that it never got anywhere and it won’t ever in the future.

I had nothing to regret after that. Sophmore year came, and I was on fire. Passion was in my heart and things were looking up. Even if the pain was hard with the little time Erik went out with her, and then Andrew for that while. I still went on. I went on through the cold snow and wind. I couldn’t help but feel jipped and I still am to this day…

3. Hippo Hontz

Shooting Star – I’ve

Together, looking up at that distantly shining star
and thinking it was destined that we met,
pretending to be casual, I try to touch your palm, but
you only smile gently.Since these feelings are getting stronger and the number of worries are
increasing,
never let go of the heart you once embraced, no matter what happens

In this vast universe,

if I can keep staying near just you alone,
even though the clock-hand of broken time
soon starts to move slowly toward the future,
stay just as you are, just like this.

I whisper this wish softly to the flowing stars:
“I pray that I can always be with you…”
Close up just this one part of time in a glass box,
even though it would be better if it could always be seen.Since I don’t want to make your gentle smile be clouded by worries,
when I want to start crying, I think of this night sky.In this vast universe, we found the place
where just the two of us can be happy, didn’t we?
Here there are moon and stars and
thr night wind that wraps the two of us up together and
my feelings about you alone. You, who struggled here from that far country,
are that shining star. Shooting Star
Incessantly — yes, like twinkling a star I swear to this night sky that I will embrace both you and the future.

Hippo, whorebag, the Ex. Whatever her name was that’s what I call her nowadays I “loved” my girlfriend. She was the greatest person to ever walk into my life. It was May and we continued to go out till about October. We had trouble and fights after awhile. She just wouldn’t open up and tell me how she felt inside. Her friends would then get on MY case about it. Pissed me off. Ah, man…I liked her. I liked her alot. She was a dancer…sigh. We did a few things together. Like we saw the fireworks, some movies etc… I’m just going to cut it off short here. Now, shes with some ass raping senior from Parkland. I hate Whitehall and all it’s students. I hate you Cathy. I trusted you…Now, because of you..You ruined any chances I have with her too. God damn you both.

4. The Future…?

The Prisoner – Iron Maiden

On the run kill to eat
You’re starving now you’re dead on your feet
Going all the way nature’s beast
Do what I want as I please

Run fight to breathe it’s tough
Now you see me now you don’t
Break the walls I’m coming out

Not a prisoner I’m a free man
And my blood is my own now
Don’t care where the past was
I know where I’m going … out

If you kill me it’s self defence
If I kill you then I call it vengeance
Spit in your eye I will defy
You’ll be afraid when I call out your name

I’m not a number I’m a free man
I’ll live my life how I want to
You’d better scratch me from your black book
Cos I’ll run rings round you

And now here I am a junior in high school with no real love interest. The last girl I liked shot me down, and now I hate her too. After Cathy and I broke up, I mooped around until I found myself. A passion like last year but not for grades, but in myself. Rebel, metal, to be gothic and an individual. What the future holds for me in love I don’t know. I have no future in Cat or any of the other girls I’ve listed. I don’t give a fuck much about school or alot of the people there. I only care about my art and the few fleeting interests and friends I still love.

Now, it is time for this guy to get some sleep fore tomorrow is a new day…a new day for the hope of something good to happen.

-Ja