A Long Winded Entry On Myself

You know, I think I’m a good person. Maybe better than most people. Ok, maybe not. Who am I to judge others? Still, I think I’m a good person. Maybe not the most virtuous or righteous person around, but my heart’s in the right place (somewhat -_-;;). That has to count for something, right? Even though my heart is in the right place, I am weak. I am a very weak person. I think one of my weaknesses is I focus on my weakness. I think it’s good for people to recognize that they’re nothing and they can amount to nothing without God, but what I’m talking about here is different.

I’m not courageous. I hate confrontation. I’d rather turn tail and run than face my problems. I suppose you could say I’m like St. Peter in this respect. One night I was thinking while trying to sleep, and I was thinking that it would be so easy to be a saint or atleast the best person of myself. This life I’m living, I believe I could easily change it and stop whatever negative things I’m doing so fast you wouldn’t know what hit you. I guess this is the catch to free will and all because I don’t have the will to change. I don’t want to change because that would mean becoming a totally new person entirely.

Also, it might be alittle scary too. Whatever happened to just not giving a shit about whatever people think and going into things head first? Oh, wait that was never me. I was the one who always walks back and forth thinking about all possible outcomes and getting all flustered. In the end, just giving up on the entire endeavor of whatever I was thinking about.

I have no interest in getting to know people. If people seek friendship with me I will gladly consider them, but I don’t look for friendship. Finally, I’ve come to get over needing people. People are interesting to watch, and their actions and movements are enjoyable. (Especially the females, teehee) Getting to know and having too many people in my life would get annoying, and would just distract me from important things. (No, I don’t mean video games and anime. Those things are distracting too, but that’s another issue) Also, I would just take part in frivolous dialogue.

Personally, I’ve liked this time at college for some time. Maybe not those times when I felt lonely because I felt like an outcast. I liked my time here because I get to just get away from people. High school was so annoying being around people for most of the day. Here, I rarely interact with anyone and I’m mostly to myself which I find enjoyable.

It feels like last semester was ages ago, and from that time, I’ve grown much. I just feel so much more different. In my attitude and how I feel. I don’t know if it’s because spring is coming soon. (I seem more with it in the spring and summer. I have a dislike for the more dead seasons of the year.)

Ok, I’m back. Let’s try and continue where I left off.

The more and more that I’ve grown, I’ve become to care less about the quirks other people have, and if possible I just avoid people who annoy me like that. Boy, I wish I were like this years ago. I would have been less bitter and hateful. Today, I am less hateful. I don’t know if I’m anymore caring though. Sometimes feelings pop into my head to do sponatenous acts of kindness, but then the thought pops into my head, “Well, even if I offered my help would they want it? They’d probably just say turn me down because who helps random people in this day and age?” This kind of thought enters my head every time I want to go out of the way and help total strangers.

I don’t know if anyone hates me, but I’m sorry that you feel that way towards me. I don’t think you have anything to really gain from hating me though because I am such a pathetic excuse of a person not worthy of such emotions. If you hate me because I have a lolita complex… Or something else that is a fault in my personality. Well, I don’t know then, but I find it childish if you hate me for that reason. I would say, find fault withen yourself first. I try not to hate anyone anymore, and I’m not really that bitter anymore about anything.

All along deep down, I think I wanted to learn in a college setting, but I hadn’t matured enough emtionally, spirtually and mentally. In high school (and grade school 6-8 ) the main drive that made me bitter and hateful was the immatureity in my peers(high school) and the fakeness of everyone else (grade school 6-8). Grade school was some hard times for me in all aspects, and it feels weird writing about it now, but it’s important to my development. In grade school, I was very hurt and I harbored a great deal of anger and I would try and show this on the outside. Let me put it this way, I was sad and it pissed me off that everyone acted happy when (I assumed) they’re probably hurt too on the inside. I found this to them acting fake.

Nowadays, I’d like to think I look pretty deadpan on the outside if you see me walking around. Never smile, tired eyes, etc. Doesn’t mean I’m down or sad. Kind of like this little drawing.

Or, it’s probably just the wishes of an anime fan trying to apply fantasy to himself. In anycase, I look pretty plain on the outside, and I rarely show how I feel. Yeah, high school. I thought things would get better but things really didn’t change much at all. I hated the immaturity among my peers. This was my freshman year. This feeling faded and grew more into a hatred of everything and anything, but that’s all ready well documented here. Ah, the hate list lol.

Well, here I am now in college. Without knowing it this is the place that I was really hoping to be. Controlled classrooms, zero immaturity in the class, etc.

There is another reason why I have find it enjoyable being solitary. I find myself complaining less and less about things and people to other people. I’ve learned to accept things and people for what and who they are (least the things outside of our control.) You guys know how it is. We don’t like certain people or whatever so we run to our friends and complain to them about these people that bother us as if it’ll change.

Now, if only I could learn to not be so preoccupied as much and then surely I could grow in wisdom. I am always being distracted by material things (my main weakness). Like right now, I am listening to music which is distracting me from writing a deep and filling analysis of myself. Of course, not that I’ve said that I’ve shut it off.

There is a topic that I don’t know if I want to go into and that is the subject of suki or for my english reading fellows, like. Have I ever truely liked anyone? I reply with a no. Everyone that I’ve ever liked. Well, there are some females I’m not sure if it was genuiene or not, because I just don’t remember the feelings and thoughts from that time. (This is one reason why I turned to a journal. So, I can remember and document these thoughts and feelings.) I am truely sorry from the bottom of my heart, but I say, no. Simply because there was a motive behind everything, and it was always about me. Yes, I was a horrible person.

Why was I so into wanting a girlfriend in my young years? Was I subconsciously drawn to such feelings because of the anime I was watching at the time? Was I jealous because of my friends and I too wanted to experiance similar things in my own life? Or was it because I was still so sad and I depended much on other people that perhaps having a girlfriend would releive the pain within my heart? Strangely enough, I find this all great stuff because I have never looked back on this, and I would say it could very well be all of them.

Today, there are some days where I’m like, “Yeah, a girlfriend would be nice.” I look at girls and mummer a, “Cute.” (kawaii) or a, “Moe.” (Excessively cute more or less.) But it’s all very physical. I keep saying that if it is my vocation to get married, God isn’t going to put a girl in my life until I can respect women and just stop looking at H (A capital H is basically the Japanese equivilant of saying pornography in English. Just that H is animated). Even if it’s my vocation to remain single, I still need to stop. (Hm, does H even degrade women since it’s drawn? It’s fantasy? Hm, oh well, I’d like to lump it all together for the hell of it.) This goes right back to when I was talking about being a better person and I could change easily but I don’t want to. The thing is, I don’t want to stop looking at H. I’d feel like I’m missing out on an aspect of anime that I like.

(Animated breasts?) Ugh… (shakes head in shame.) In anycase, I don’t want to stop, but if I wanted to I probably could stop entirely. Fapping is another story though, and that won’t even be talking about. I’m open but I haven’t grown that open… yet.

I’m not really sure if I like anyone at this time. Mainly due to the fact I haven’t really thought about my feelings on anything. Truely this is the first time in awhile. I sat down and thought about the past and my feelings on things in a long time. Hahaha! Really makes up for all those entries when it was all about EQ2 or anime, huh? I came back with a vengence. I do know one thing.

I miss someone and I want to see them.

-Ja

I am grateful to know and still have good friends in my life. I’ve messed up my friendship numerous times with these people and yet they still have the kindness in their hearts to still talk to me and forgive me for my past mistakes.

Thank you.

-Ja

Well, my last day off and all. It was a real fun break while it lasted, but I just wish I had beaten atleast one game. It is going to take awhile to get used to working again on school because I’ve been sitting around most of the time.

I had some good times, but everyone is probably back at college now or on there way back. Isolation and loneliness will settle in eventually for me I’m sure, but for now I’m going to enjoy this day and finish some anime.

Spring will come soon.

-Ja

Waltz
:: Suneohair
————

Looking through closed eyelids
At a pastel patterened future
Persuing scattered codes
Pulling up facial expressions
Hey, what was it you were searching for
That was, yeah.. when was that
We met while we were fighting against gravity

*
It was like a waltz, mysterious
Like a whispering at the criss-crossing of sunbeams
While they spun around as if waltzing
They were expressing something
*

All their thoughts were beyond warm
The spit out landscape has ben
Smoldering for over half a year
Bring light to the image
What was it you lost
But still it’s ok
Our gravity allows us to seek the comparisons
That was like a waltz, beautiful
While listening to some muttered chirps
It was like a waltz as those two
Were expressing something

Ah,
Reality is playing dumb as we repaint it in primary colors
I’ll bring it closer to you
From there let’s continue dancing
A waltz just for us

(Repeat *)

This is my class schedule for Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Intro to Psyche 9:30-10:45

Exercise Walking 12:30-1:45

Communication and Thoughts II 2:00-3:15

Eh, not too bad. I still have that hour or so to goof off. I won’t be able to go on any exciting walks these days though. My MWF days don’t look too bad. I have a 2 hour gap and the schedule is similar to the one I had last semester, but with different classes. Still, I have a feeling Tues. and Thurs. will be my goof off days. I like Psyche stuff so I don’t sense a problem. What I’m worried about is work on Tues and Thurs. because I still can’t drive (grr) and I don’t know if I would have enough time to walk up to work. I guess if I run halfway. Hell, least it’ll give me exercise, and the spring will be here eventually.

I actually feel like I will enjoy my classes over all pretty much this semester.

Well, let’s give it our all this semester everyone! After this the first level will be over!! I can’t believe it!!!

Then I’ll be able to hit on the freshmen college girls. Fufufufu…

-Ja

Yeah, bad news. Fuck this day was horrible. Turns out my computer won’t get here till probably after the 21st. Yeah it sucks, and I’m pissed about it. Turns out Gateway didn’t have enough HDs in stock, and whatever. Man, I’ll be in school by then.

Grrr, and I gave this computer to my brother already and I just set it back up again. Ugh, what a wasted day.

My brother has already tainted this computer as it is with all his crazy programs. Ugh…

I want my new computer…

-Ja

I woke up this morning thinking it was at least around 11am but it was actually 9:30am. I was surprised and alittle disappointed that I didn’t really sleep in.

I played some .Hack//Mutation but that was a wasted effort because I kept dying. So, my morning was pretty wasted.

I had to go into work at 1pm. It sucked and was boring. It was Angela, Natasia, Chris the part timer, and I. Shawn was supposed to work too but he called off. It was just mark downs for like 5 hours. Took break. The more mark downs till 6:30 when we went to lunch. Ugh, just a slow night. There was take down too, but not much. It was sorta fun at the end, I guess, but mainly slow.

Now, I’m home here just browsing 4chan. Probably will just head to bed soon.

 

-Ja

My batteries are dying. Ugh, I need more sleep.

Only 9 more hours of this shit.

I am so glad work is over for a little bit. Today was just more of the same. We did mark downs up in kids still. Ugh… Chris and Sue got us pizza which was nice. Well, it was mostly Chris’s idea since she wanted to get us pizza for Christmas or something but she hasn’t work with us in awhile.

Yeah, the day just went on and on and on. I just wanted it to end. The morning was sorta fast but it got SLOW after we ate at around 1:30.

Got home, but I tried going to sleep but I stayed up.

YES! Going to Philly tomorrow with Erik and co. Should be fun. I want to check out that anime store so bad. OH NOES! There goes my paycheck.

-Ja

About you in 2005

How old did you turn in 2005? eighteen

Was it a good age? I think so.
did you lose anyone close to you in 2005? Yes, my grandfather and my hamster boo.

did you make out in 2005? No
did you kiss in 2005? No…
did you drink in 2005? No.
did you smoke in 2005? No
did you question your sexual orientation? No, I don’t think I need to?

School/Work in 2005
Did you get a new job/go to a new school? Yes.
if yes, was this a change for the better? The job is allright. It’s better than being a cashier. I get to work with people sort of, but still get the satisfaction of working on my own.
Did you get good grades? I passed the classes I had finals for, and I think that’s all that matters.

How you looked in 2005
how tall were you? 5′9 something or other.
Did you gain any weight? I don’t think I did.
DId you go on a diet? I don’t reall need to, I think.
Did you try to gain weight? No…
what color was your hair? Brown
Did you dye it, if so what color? I don’t dye my hair.

Love Life
How many girlfriends did you have? Zero, zilch, nada, cero,

How many times were you dumped? N/A
How many people did you dump? N/A
How many people did you makeout with? Zero…
How many people did you kiss? Zero…
Did you like all of them? I’d rather save my kiss for after marriage.
Were you cheated on? N/A
Did you cheat on anyone? N/A

Wellness
Were you sick often? Not much actually. Thank God.
what was the worst sickness that you had? I think that time I had to go into work and I was real real REAL tired and not feeling well.
Were you in the hospital at all? No.
if so, for how long? N/A
were you depressed at all? Yeah, there was that short spell a few weeks ago.
How much school/work did you miss in total? Not many. I miss high school in this regard.

Summer 05
what is your best memory from the summer? Cross Channel, Maria’s party, Air movie, Honey and Clover, becoming a /b/tard, finally recognizing that I am lolicon, Read or Die, Digital Devil Saga, Paranoia Agent, Kino’s Journey, if I hung out with Costa those times. Translating Air. Gungrave.

Wow, if this is my summer in a nut shell. It must have been boring?

what is something that happend in the summer that was really funny? That, I can’t remember.
Did you meet anyone new? Not really. If anything, I lost people I knew.
Did you do anything stupid? Probably not since I was just myself.
go to any camps? No, but I would liked to have gone on a retreat.
any jobs? Not at the time.

Friends
Did you make any new friends? No
Did you loose any friends? Sort of. Sort of not. Kinda getting back in the swing with people I thought didn’t really want anything to do with me any more. I’m actually quite pleased that we’re trying to get together and do stuff again like old times.

Were you teased? Of course.
Did you make or loose more? Lost more. :/
who was your closest friend? I think I “bonded” with Costa the most in 05.
did you gain contact with any old friends? Yes.
Did any friends move? Yeah…

Random
how did you make money? Bummed off my dad.
did you see any bands preform live? Nope.
Any pets? Boo (2)
what are you looking forward to most in the upcoming year? Girlfriend, becoming a better man, getting in touch with my more spiritual side, warmer weather.
will it be a better year? I believe so.

-Ja

Uh, I dunno. I woke up around 1am. Read something in my email and I’ve been nervous, exicited and sad at the same time. I’m not really tired and I can’t sleep. So, I’ve been up since then. I have to go into work in a few hours too. 7 to 3. Ugh, atleast the pay is going to be better in two weeks.

So, yeah I dunno. This week.

God, I am so not mentally prepared at all. I’m probably just making a big deal out of nothing too.

My room is a mess. I need to clean it up. Also, I still have a ton of stuff I need to put onto disc on this computer.

Damn. Oh well.

-Ja

Saving space for a better entry later today. Now really off to bed.

Well, even though I got a crappy grade in Art, I must admit I learned to love and appreciate using sketch pencils. I always used a mech pencil, but lately I’ve been loving the versatility and usefulness of a sketch pencil.

Listening to I’ve and drawing.

Work tomorrow 7am to 3pm. I’m hitting the sack so I get enough sleep. I was up late last night.

-Ja