Tanoshikatta

Even though I don’t know when my best of friends will all drift away
Let’s laugh and sing for the time that will never return

I can’t sleep.

This isn’t self loathing this isn’t self pity, but my life is horribly average. I’ve always been so average and very below average for a few years into my early life. I believe this stems from my lack of knowing myself. Recognizing just what talents and abilities that I possess that makes me special. An individual.

I’m not really sure who I am. I’m not very consistent with my personality and feelings. I’m not good at a lot of things, but it kind of makes me remember that funny little story in Fruit Baskets that gives me some hope. Oh well. Perhaps we’re all just a part of some big machine and none of us really matter a side from a few of the big shots that are making the gears go.

Today, I talked to God because I was feeling sad, and hurt. Old wounds were opened. These were no ones fault. I must just be feeling under the weather. I think if I didn’t go to Him and talk to Him when I did I’m not sure how things would have turned out. I think my day got better. I felt a sudden drive and focus that I haven’t had in a while. Yet, I can’t seem to fall asleep right now.

I’m worried about Japanese class. On one hand, I’m thinking about what I got in to and on the other hand, it’s not that hard. There is one thing that I need to get out of my head, and that is I’m not some Japanese guru. I don’t think I’m thinking that way. Oh, I don’t know. Numbers are a pain in the ass and that is probably why I feel confused. A lot of this is a pain in the ass. I just want to know grammer and kanji. Everything else is made of blah and secondary.

Stopping now because going any further would RESULT in self loathing.

-Ja