Split
July 30, 2006
It would be so much easier
if these stale emotions
could just disapper without a word.
At the crossroads where we split
it saddens me to think we may never meet again.
Depite adding the emotions that are lacking
things cool off just as soon as I warm them
but I still don’t want to believe.
Just how long am I going to brood over the same word?
How long?
Well, Otakon is coming up and as far as I know we’re still going. I want to go but if we don’t go that’ll suck, but I’ll just use the money I saved up to get merchandise off the internet anyway. Still I’d prefer to go to Otakon for the experience. Hell, I’ll get to act real nerdy for three straight days instead of just one (when we went down to Mitsuwa).
Got to check out the schedule and see what I want to do. Dunno what everyone else wants to do but I want to see a bunch of the booths AND definitely get Ayako Kawasumi’s autograph, I hope.
Yay! This will be just like how it was in Genshiken.
Some stranger called me a loser from their car today.
It hurt.
I’m trying to figure out what humans gain from hurting each other.
I haven’t been able to think of anything beneficial or long lasting.
I think my chemical imbalances are stabilizing.
Well, that’s good.
-
Only a few more weeks and Japanese will be over. I will miss my favorite spot on the Lehigh University campus.
Owaranai Natsu – Neverending Summer
July 18, 2006
“As for mankind, he is born alone, and he will die alone.”
The following is written by a tired Bryan who cares nothing about his image or what you think of him. Parental discretion is advised.
I don’t know why but I had the hardest time sleeping last night, and I had to get up for an orthodontist appointment which I was probably a little late for but oh well.
I don’t know what happened. Walking home from Erik’s really put a strain on myself. It was refreshing but it was also sad because I felt alone. I couldn’t think of anything to think about. My mind was a total blank. Is this how I am when I don’t have anything to occupy me? I hate it when I’m like this because I start to think to much about things like reality, why I’m alive, what about the future… I can never sleep well at night.
From my point of view everyone appears to be more stronger than I am even though humans are weak. We’re weak. (Why am I continuing to drink this half drunken cup of dunkin donuts coffee. It’s only causing me to stay up even more.) I can say that I’ve had the pleasure to experience three different my selves perhaps four or five small ones. The current me and the past me which one is more free? Which one is better? The current me feels more like I’m natural and yet I don’t feel any happier. Is this freedom or am I more chained down than I realize?
I can’t read hearts. I’d feel better if I could. Knowing people experience and feel the same way I do from time to time. Perhaps some do. People can fool you so well to make it look like they’re happy. I hated that about people when I was younger, but I’m not too sure about my reasoning for it. Because I’m a cry baby. I thought I had figured everything out and maybe that is why I am a little angry like this. I thought I had figured everything out about everything, but I really don’t know much of anything at all. It is only the begining.
I hate to remind him if he reads this but, Erik’s birthday is coming up and he is turning 20. I remember when we were just little kids. If I were turning 20 I think I would be going through some kind of personal crisis. That’s just the kind of person I am. I’m afraid of the future. I wish I had someone that I could go to and tell me everything would be ok. To tell me that no matter what it will be alright. Life isn’t like that is it?
I’m tired, and I’ve been having vivid dreams that leave me with a hard on in the morning. I haven’t seen many real girls in a long time being all cooped up in my room day in and out. Do I miss them that much, I wonder? I’ve never been close to a girl on a relational level… Really. I guess I’m a loser, ha. Actually, I don’t care for girls. I don’t want to find myself in a relationship just because I’m the needy one. I’d rather be in a relationship because I care about the girl. I suppose, I have some sense. I don’t want to talk about school. I dread August so much. I think we all pretty much do somewhere inside ourselves. Still, this new school year is different not because I am a 2nd year but because of all the 1st year girls.
I’m not feeling mentally here right now if you haven’t noticed. I’m bitter. Angry. A little sad. Very tired. It’s hard. I remind myself that I’m not a kid anymore. I shouldn’t be moopy. Adults don’t get emo, do they? I don’t feel that old. Still, I’m such a cry baby, right? I don’t know why I’m going to mention this for probably the one billionth time but I know nothing about my family. I don’t know if other people know about their parents or their relatives. I don’t know what other families are like other than my own. That’s just the kind of family I’m from I suppose or maybe it’s one of those comical this like, “Well, you never asked.” Kind of things. Still, I don’t think I’m going to start getting close to my parents or my family any time soon. I might regret it. Still, (I like this word don’t it feels like I’ve said it a hundred times already) if I ever have kids of my own (god forbid). I don’t want to fall down that path and have my kids not know what kind of person I was, the kinds of things I did and the people I met growing up. I don’t want to be a stranger to my children.
My father is a very good man, and he deserves more than what I give him. But what he says to me. His encouragement and his advice feels cold to me. It doesn’t motivate me any more than if he said nothing at all to me.
I argued with my dad because I’m tired of him taking me everywhere I need to go. I can’t do anything like this. I was tired of his excuses for four years. Strangely enough this got him to do something. He going to talk to a friend of his or something about getting me a car because this guy takes care of cars, and also I’m probably going to get my permit soon enough.
I suddenly feel like I don’t want to write anymore.
The fact that we’re all just channels that cross at certain times in life makes me sad. I’m glad I’ve been able to be around the people I’ve been around this long. I’ve been able to meet even more interesting people and experience many other things, but because we’re all going to part ways eventually is inevitable. (I spelled inevitable as inevidable. I am so bad at spelling. I was so bad at pronouncing things as a kid as well…)
I, I am too hard on myself, but I feel a little better since I took the time to type this.
Ok day playing Star Craft but would have liked to go paint balling. Kyle needs to get the jargon right. It’s not lolita it’s loli.
Probably the best part of the day was walking home from Erik’s. I really need a shower right now.
I wonder if I could concentrate enough to try and translate 46 pages of Japanese text in one day?
I was able to see my uncle recently who lives up by Niagara Falls. He works with the airlines there or something, I believe.
Talking with him in the car he says to me, “Don’t give up on your dream. You can do anything. Just don’t give up on your dream. It took me but I finally achieved my dream, and I love what I do.”
I agreed with him, but it got me to wonder just what is my dream. Some of the things I think about deviate from my current point. I’ve probably said it before that I feel boxed in where I am. I’ve lost interest in Theology and I want to try something else that I feel that I could like doing more. Still, perhaps its more like I haven’t done anything to stay interested in my major. Usually one does the things related to that hobby to stay interested. I’ve heard that life is what you make out of it, but what do you do when you’re someone who doesn’t really have any strong motivation for anything? If I could sit around and do nothing for the rest of my life. Literally nothing but sit down. I would enjoy it.
Life is rather complicated. Perhaps complicated enough for me. If anything I try to keep things simple for myself.
I’m not an outgoing person. I’m more a shut in then anything else. More a loud mouth online and a quiet person face to face unless I’m in some kind of mood, I guess. Last night was fun like that. I’m not really sure where I’m going. Why am I making it sound like being loud in one instance and quiet in another a bad thing? I’m just babbling to the no names on the internets who still come here by chance, I guess.
I’m a realist. I don’t fall into those trap phrases that say I can do anything but I probably could do more if I tried. Still, there are billions of people out there, and I’m just one drop in a large pool. I do the same things everyday that everyone else does. My life is really not all that special or important than anyone else’s but I go on anyway. I’m not saying my life is pointless or worthless. I’m glad I was born in this time, and my experiences, the people I’ve met too. They are a crazy bunch. They aren’t bad people. I’m not really one to think about the future. I’ve lived mostly day by day. Is this the best choice? I don’t know. It’s worked enough this far. I’m very inconsistent with myself, and I hate writing about these things because I just spew garbage that I’m not really sure if that’s how I feel or not.
What do I find most important?
Maybe I need to get laid or perhaps just find a better pair of pants.
