Yesterday, I experienced death and lived

Well, sort of.

Ever have one of those situations where you’re laying in bed and you think you’re awake but you’re not really and then you want to move your body but you can’t, and you panic? God damn I hate those. Also, added to that I guess I dreamt I was having a heart attack while I was laying there. So I was trying to shout but I couldn’t, and my heart felt like it was beating faster and in pain.

What I find funny while I was dying was how fast I came to terms with the possibility of my death. I remember thinking, “There is nothing I can do. I am the only one in this room. I’m going to die.” I had only one regretful feeling and you’d think it would be something like, “Now I’ll never go to Japan.” or something. No, nothing like that. It was more like, “Damn, I wish I had deleted my porn. Now everyone will know how perverted I am.”

And then shortly I woke up with a start going, “Damn! I’m alive?”

I am serious most when I am alone

I’ve come to realize that I put on two very different faces. One when I am around people which is a generally happy, and perhaps airheaded, and bubbly and the other is a more serious, silent and complative.

They both serve their corresponding roles I suppose. No one wants to really be around a serious person thinking about such important life issues in a group of people with different values and beliefs, and an airheaded personality lightens up the mood. Although, am I really being true to myself or are they both myself?

I’ve grown to become what I hated seeing most in others as I grew up since elementary school. I quickly came to know what being hurt was like, and it bothered me that others hid their pain through a smile.

Somewhere along the line I guess I just figured I want to be more approachable or more liked by others so I’ll just put away how I really feel deep down currently and see what happens. I honestly panicked when Noble-san and Kim-san came up to me a few days ago because I wasn’t expecting it, and I was also half zoned out. I didn’t have time to prepare. So, I kind of just hastily fled the scene.

It made me feel a little depressed because even after all these years I’m still afraid when it comes to meeting people I know outside of a certain setting. Also, I say things like, “I have faith in people.” or “I sincerely believe most people have good intentions.” I probably don’t really believe this. How can I when I myself have fears that people might be using me for their own gain or part of some kind of joke?

Other times I do meet some people I know occasionally and I am able to talk very easily about what I’ve been doing and where I’m going. It’s an empowering feeling to say that you’ve done this or that or planning to do this. Prattling it all off like some grocery list.

This is perhaps one reason I like talking with Mr. Penny. Unlike a lot of the other adults I am in contact with in my family, and otherwise. Talking with him, I’m not really given much of a chance to do that. Intentional or not on his part I am uncertain. A response from him in those times I do talk about what I’ve been doing isn’t something that would boost my ego instead something that is more thoughtful.

This realization has come to mind not recently but thinking about it as I tried to fall asleep has compelled me to jot these feelings down on paper.

I kinda want to start writing and/or drawing again

Lately I’ve been doodling in my spare time out of boredom, and I recently opened up a deviant art account as well where I am just putting old stuff on it out of boredom.

I miss the days when I was more imaginative. I don’t think I was very good at writing or drawing but it was fun either way and I think that’s what counts most.

I’ve been thinking of either writing or drawing although more on the drawing side a continuation to my Dragon Breath story. Last time I worked on that was about a year ago. Although, that was Future Girlfriend and Heart Move which are much more in the distant future of the series. I want to return back to the series with less harem, spiky haired heroes and more swords.

I can’t even remember where I left off last. I know I finished the Bryan Arc but didn’t write about Bryan and Alyssa’s wedding or the adoption of Koji because Alyssa is infertile. I skipped around and then I was working on the first story in the series for the longest time all throughout high school. It’s 90 pages of crap let me tell you, and it’s either a quarter of the way finished or halfway.

I should just probably continue with the next arc entirely which is the Koji Arc. More light hearted with a bunch of teenagers going on an adventure who eventually get swept up into something bigger. Basically the children of my favorite characters from the Bryan arc are the main characters in this.

Koji, a human, is Bryan and Alyssa’s adoptive son.

Celcius, a demi human, is the daughter of Jessica and David (which is kind of random since they were bad guys and not really important.)

Sulfur, a human, is Erik and Andrea’s son.

Christine, Twin Slasher tribe essential human but with hightened agility, is Catherine and an unnamed deceased male’s daughter.

Basically, a tank, theif, mage/priest, and assassin.

This probably won’t get off the ground, but it’d be fun if it did, I think.

Penn State is such a wasteful college – Am I in hell?

Honestly, it is already late April. There should be no reason what so ever for the heat to be STILL on. The funny thing is the heat coming out of the heater is blasting the hot air out more than I’ve ever experianced all winter. So why now? Why now does it really start to just heat up my room?

It bugs me that my tuition money has to fly out the window but I can’t help but keep my windows wide open to let the breeze in. I’ve left a message to the people who take care of the stuff in the dorms and the only message I got back was, “The heat should be turned off in a few days.” Well, that’s really reassuring. NOT REALLY. I don’t have a few days because class is pretty much over in a few days. FAIL.

It’s kinda tolerable during the day but when I’m trying to sleep it is ridiculous. Sometimes the heat isn’t on at night but then it must come on during the night because I find myself with pools of sweat on my face and my shirt is all sweaty.

This college doesn’t know how to treat it’s students right at all. Snowy and slippery walkways during the winter and blasting heat in the dorms during the spring.

I never thought it possible – Soup you can drink in a can?

 

Yes, this entry is about soup. I was wondering about this when I bought it. I got it because I was sick a few weeks ago but didn’t really eat much of them. I’m eating er drinking them right now since I missed dinner today because I drank the rest of my alcohol and fell asleep. Well, at least I’m honest. Hopefully I am not turning into an alcoholic, though. ORZ

Anyway, I have nothing else at hand, and now I’m really contemplating these things as I study Japanese slllllllllllllllllllllllll

llooooooooowwwwly. I honestly never imagined soup in a can form you can drink like a soda. That’s kinda weird, I guess. I have the chicken and stars one and I really don’t know why these have things in them to be honest because it’s just like I’m drinking the broth for a while and a while and then when that is gone there is some chunk of mush at the end which are the stars and chicken part.

Maybe it needs to be shaken up. If that’s the case, I really failed there. Oh, yeah it does say to shake it but not in big enough letters for me to notice. Oh well, I was never one to read instructions.

Either way they’re pretty good but I still prefer the ramen noodle or miso soup. Asians really invented some great soup. Why can’t that be in a can?

Birthday Song, Requiem

Well, I am finally 21 years old. I honestly cannot believe I am still alive after all these years. I thought surely by now I would be dead, but thankfully I am not. There were times in the past where I wished I were dead just to avoid unpleasant feelings and experiences. But being alive this long, I would say that I’m glad I was born and have the opportunity to experience this human existence despite it has its sad side. I’ve learned that you take the good with the bad.

There have been numerous times where I’ve taken a step back and just thought to myself, “I’m conscious. This is reality. I’m alive.” It is just such an interesting experience being alive. I don’t know if I’m the only who thinks about this from time to time and maybe being born as a human and existing seems commonplace for my fellow humans, but I find it mysterious and strange. I’m alive as a walking, talking and thinking creature that has a choice on where to go and what to do. Humans are weird. There are numerous of them and yet they’re alone on this planet. I as a human am able to recognize that I have an “I” that seemly exists within this fleshy existence of muscles and bones. It all just amazes me.

I think that I’ve grown a lot since I was younger even in just a few years. One thing I always seem to find myself noticing is that I never notice how much I’ve grown in the present moment but when I look back I always find myself going, “That guy was such a kid then.” or “Why did I ever about THAT?” And it’s no matter what age I am. In 9th grade looking back on 6th grade or in the first year of college looking back on 11th grade or now looking back on the first year of college. I’ve had my ups and downs, and I’ve noticed that my life seems to really go in such a pattern. There is this base line and my state of feeling just goes up or down, but as time goes on I find myself spending less and less time in that downward space as I grow, experience things, and learn more about who I am. I would like to imagine that all this adversity hasn’t been in vain and that I have perhaps grown stronger and become a better person then I’ve been say 5 years ago.

Mr. Penny had once asked me, “Who are you?” and I wasn’t sure how to respond. Today, I am still uncertain how to respond to that. I’m not exactly sure who I am because I believe I still have much growing up to do. I find myself very on the fence and superficial depending who I am around. I’m uncertain if I’m being genuine or not in certain situations. I might not know who exactly I am yet, but I believe I’ve learned where I am going. I feel I am in a position where I am finally doing what I should be doing and being in the place where I should be at this time, but what I am supposed to do with these things I am uncertain.

Since I’ve transferred to Penn State I’ve learned that I too have the potential to do well and succeed. No longer do I think of myself as one of those that can never achieve things with my own strength. If I think I can do it, I can do it, and it’s that mentality that I’ve lost this semester. All throughout this semester I’ve been trying to figure out what is the thing that is wrong with me. What am I doing wrong? The problem with this is I’ve been looking in all the wrong places. Ultimately, all fingers are and should be pointing at me because I am the one that chooses to do these things over other things and no one person or object is at fault but me.

Despite not being very sociable, which always seems to be something that is a constant lacking, I’ve had my chance to meet a lot of different people who have changed my life for the better and those that have caused me a lot of grief. Regardless, I am grateful for all such encounters because not everyone is fortunate to experience them. I am one that feels you don’t just meet people by chance and that people cross into your life for a reason. However long they stay could be brief or very long. Whatever it is they’re in your life to teach you or pass onto you is how long they’re in your life for.

Perhaps more because of my fault or both of ours I’ve fallen out of touch with various people that I used to talk to, and yet I really don’t have any motivation to speak with them out of the blue. Although, this could mostly be because of my own character and no fault of theirs, but why bother with people if they too make no initiative to talk to you? I do feel some kind of pang of regret like, “What if I still kind of talked to them from time to time? How would things be? Would things change at all?” These are the kinds of feelings I’ve had. This is a sad thing in life. People change and they eventually just grow apart from each other.

Although, those that I still hang around it’s very rewarding for me to be in your presence still and those that I’ve met in college it is a pleasure to get to know you even though I really don’t “hang out” with you so to speak.

I’m going into another year of being single. I have never had a steady female relationship. In the past I would normally consider myself a loser or a failure because in the past it just seemed like having a girlfriend + high school = good times, and some days even now I do get those days where I feel, “I am the worst person alive. Why am I so alone? Why can’t I have a girlfriend? Am I that plain? Is it the way I dress or my hair? I want to experience sex!” But I would think less of myself if I ever had sex for a reason as just wanting to feel good or just to experience it… I am just such a hopeless romantic. I dream of finding that one girl out there where I will be able to love with my very being and protect with all my strength. This isn’t really reality and things don’t always work out this way, and that is a tough thing to overcome even though I really don’t think about it much anymore.

Another thing is that I think down about myself. Perhaps I am not worthy of another person’s love. I myself am such a horrible person with so many faults. I don’t want to hurt another person who would have such faith in me. There are better guys out there. I don’t know if I could truly love another person with my very being as I previously said. I’m sure it would be a very selfish love at times and maybe at all times. I don’t know if even I could have faith in another person because I myself am a human, and that gives me some idea of how other people cam be. Humans aren’t infallible. I don’t want to be betrayed by someone I have complete faith in. Someone I might grow to love. I don’t want to experience that at all.

Then I get those days where I do enjoy my single hood. I don’t have to worry about another person, and I can spend more time to myself, doing my own things that I enjoy, and trying to improve myself. I can concentrate on what I need to do now. I get both of these kinds of days. I don’t know if I’ll ever find myself in a relationship, but who knows maybe someday when I’m much, much older?

Who could have guessed I’d be at Penn State studying Japanese? I didn’t. I’ve found life is full of such surprises that just turn you into many different directions you would have never thought you’d find yourself in. Sometimes I just want to run away from these encounters because they scare me. They put me into a position where I have to break outside of my safe spot. Like having to study abroad or putting on this Japanese speech. Then again I will hopefully only grow and learn from such things.

Something I dislike about myself at this present age would be that I am too assuming that everyone for the most part isn’t like me in respects to I ponder life while they probably haven’t. I mean, I don’t know. I spent a lot of time in my youth searching for answers to questions and I still am. I don’t want to be a mindless drone of today’s society and just eat up the same kind of garbage that they want me to eat. But, I assume we’re all the same on this base level and someday we have to ask ourselves these important life questions, I would hope so? It’s just how can you know if others have? It’s not everyday someone walks up to me and asks me, “Do you think there is a God?” or something else along those lines. To me, it just seems like we’re too preoccupied with other things and that maybe it’s really not all that important or maybe we’re all too afraid of stepping on other people’s toes.

Looking back, I feel shameful for the things I’ve said in the past about this and that. I was being pragmatic, but I was young. I seemed to have been more concerned with the actions and rituals than the meaning behind the things being done. Oddly enough as much as I want to deny it. I still feel this is all some kind of weird journey I’ve been going on just to finally end up a better Catholic in the end.

Recently, I read in the school’s newspaper how a 21 year old student died of natural causes. Things like that just go to show that even if you’re young you’re not immortal. Sometimes I think about death. Usually this is when I’m lying in my bed trying to sleep. Like, what happens to me when I die? I don’t know if there is a soul or not, but honestly what happens to me? Some say that the body just dies, and that’s it. Makes sense, but I am not my body. I am not my brain. These things might die but I am not defined by them. This “I” within myself must do something or go somewhere. From my perspective, it just seems so ridiculous to try and explain a human in just physical and scientific terms. For example, parts of the brain do this and that making emotions just some kind of chemical response or other such things. These things may be true but it just seems like there is more to us than what we ourselves can explain.

Well now! Happy Birthday to me, and it’s time to go down a new year in my life. I don’t know what lies ahead. Whether good or bad, I’ll try what I can, and do it to the best of my abilities.

WTB start from old save data

If last semester was me at my best than this semester is certainly me at my worst. I honestly haven’t felt a wide spectrum of human emotions in only a few months before granted maybe some of them aren’t justified and me just being emotional for the sake of being emotional.

All semester I’ve been trying to do what I can to get by with very little effort on my part. Amazingly, for better or worse, I’ve been fine, but it just bothers me because I know I can do better. I saw it last semester with my own eyes. All A’s but a D in Math. Although, I was taking three courses in my major while this semester I am taking three classes NOT pertaining to my major at all so I could be lacking motivation in that regard because of all these shit courses. I find myself with very little motivation for anything, and it amazes me how I am getting by in Japanese 110 without the constant studying I did last semester. I am doing better on the tests no less.

I am also worried about my grades because I haven’t been as working so hard I’m a little uneasy and even though Penn State has allowed me to participate in study abroad they can still pull me out if my grades aren’t very good this semester. I keep telling myself I’m fine and I shouldn’t worry but I don’t know.

But, I find myself to just not being myself. It’s horrible and I can’t really get out of it. It’s like I’m doing my best at being a bum for better or for worse. I can’t even look at myself straight in the mirror anymore. I find myself eating a lot more junk food no matter what day it is. I’m sleeping a lot more during the day because I can’t find myself sleeping when I should be at night and among other things are going on. I’ve quit WoW momentarily because it just hasn’t been a whole lot of fun and makes me feel even more like a fat bum that I’ve come to perceive myself as. A lot of the things I used to enjoy haven’t been fun lately.

My 21st birthday is coming up and I guess I’m one of those people that just starts getting stressed out with each increase in age. Like last year I’m starting to reconsider everything I like and do. Perhaps I should start growing up a little more and act my age. No more living in fantasy land and what not is the common theme.

Everything I’m saying is really childish, and I know it is. I usually laugh at those people who are so stupid and let themselves get so emotional that they can’t get back on their own feet again. Although, once you feel it yourself it’s hard to get up and the emotions just feel justified even though I really don’t know where they’re coming from. Honestly, what happened to the confident, strong and motivated me from last semester? Sure, he’s still here, but I haven’t given the slightest effort to make a difference even this late in the semester. There is what…? About 3 weeks left of classes or so. Can’t this just be over now?

I hope things are better when I am in Japan. Although, I really want this semester to end on a good note but at the rate this is going it feels like it’s not.

One more time, One more chance – Masayoshi Yamazaki

Translation taken from here.

One More Time, One More Chance
Transliteration and translation: daike
Translation support: Emma
Translation edit: icie

How much more do I have to lose, before my heart is forgiven?
How many more pains do I have to suffer, to meet you once again?
One more time, oh seasons, fade not
One more time, when we were messing around

Whenever we disagreed, I would always give in first
Your selfish nature made me love you even more
One more chance, the memories restrain my steps
One more chance, I cannot choose my next destination

I’m always searching, for your figure to appear somewhere
On the opposite platform, in the windows along the lane
Even though I know you couldn’t be at such a place
If my wish were to come true, I would be at your side right away
There would be nothing I couldn’t do
I would put everything on the line and hold you tight

If I just wanted to avoid loneliness, anybody would have been enough.
Because the night looks like the stars will fall, I cannot lie to myself.
One more time, oh seasons, fade not.
One more time, when we were messing around

I’m always searching, for your figure to appear somewhere
At a street crossing, in the midst of dreams
Even though I know you couldn’t be at such a place
If a miracle were to happen here, I would show you right away
The new morning, who I’ll be from now on
And the words I never said: “I love you.”

The memories of summer are revolving
The throbbing which suddenly disappeared

I’m always searching, for your figure to appear somewhere
At dawn on the streets, at Sakuragi-cho
Even though I know you couldn’t be at such a place
If my wish were to come true, I would be at your side right away
There would be nothing I couldn’t do
I would put everything on the line and hold you tight

I’m always searching, for fragments of you to appear somewhere
At a traveller’s store, in the corner of newspaper,
Even though I know you couldn’t be at such a place
If a miracle were to happen here, I would show you right away
The new morning, who I’ll be from now on
And the words I never said: “I love you.”

I always end up looking for your smile, to appear somewhere
At the railroad crossing, waiting for the express to pass
Even though I know you couldn’t be at such a place
If our lives could be repeated, I would be at your side every time
I would want nothing else
Besides you, nothing else matters

Chosen…

I ended up oversleeping for classes today and I wake up of course to messages from people telling me that I have been chosen for the Japanese Speech contest. I knew this would happen. Sigh…