Some odds an ends

I haven’t written in a while even though not much has really been happening but I probably should at least write here every end of the week or so just to record things in general since things do pile up. It sucks because now that I’m working at a job little topics just come to mind that I feel I could write about but don’t have time to.

A pledge

I guess I’ll just first comment on my acceptance into Nanzan. I dunno. I’m indifferent. I wasn’t all that surprised or happy. More relieved maybe. Nothing seems to surprise me anymore. Maybe it’s a small bit of confidence and pride on my side but things have just been going my way for so long which is weird because of all the shit I’ve gone through up to this point. Just read the old entries and you’ll understand. I really never believed I would be here doing this now.

This is just another step in my journey and I have to prepare myself for what is to come.

I finally have a job again back at good old Sears. Today is my third day working. I honestly should be asleep instead of typing this but I took a nap and now I can’t sleep. There is this like spring cleaning thing going on. Sears wants their stores to be clean so yeah we’re cleaning the store. The store I work for since it’s pretty big, they even got more people from other stores to come in. Since I’m on the ISS team, I get to help out by cleaning the junk filled room we use. There is so much junk there and I left so tired after working yesterday. It’s good to work with some people I worked together with for two year again though.

Finally with this job a lot of old things will start having more value and starting to be fun again because I’m not doing them all the time now.

I like how I turn work into an excuse now. It’s like work is getting in the way of studying, writing this thank you letter, reading various study abroad things, but I definitely know this isn’t the case. I’m not making time at all for these things.

While I was eating my lunch, I was thinking to myself I’m pretty passive, and introverted. I seem to be regretfully seeing less value in my very old friendships although they are and can be fun. I know there will come a time when we just leave each other forever, I decided to promise myself that I wouldn’t give up on myself when that time comes. To strive to continue to build myself up by reading, study and exercise. I may not be very outgoing in a social situation but I care about myself and my condition. I’m very self centered because the only one you can really worry about and do anything for is yourself.

If anything, I want those things to speak for me. I’m getting older and I grow more worried about myself putting on weight by doing nothing. Well, I work now so it’s not all that bad. At least I’m being active again. I just don’t want to end up like a lot of typical nerdy people who just grow fat and become useless.

The Melancholy of Suzu… Er

Finally got all the entries to my first online journal transfered here. So, now that just leaves my Xanga which will be a lot more work. Reading a lot of the entries from 2003 seem to have a lot of odd parallels to now such as identity issues and what not that I face now.

I really don’t think I relate to the people I hang around much anymore, but for the lack of anything better to do I hang around them still. Although, I don’t think that is all of it. I’ve just been real melancholy lately and I’m not sure why. It all started since Saturday and just got kinda worse since I caught this cold and then went out with Erik and the gang on Wednesday.

My voice is just very silent and I just feel less outgoing then usual. Ever since this rainy weather has come in, it’s like my better mood has gone away like the warm weather.

My friends are nosy which is bothersome since I like keeping to myself from what I’ve found. I’m not sure if Erik is being serious when he says that his goal is to get me together with a girl or something or other. So nosy. でかいおせっかい Honestly, do they still not know what kinds of girls I’m interested in?

I’m fighting between what I think I value and what my friends value. Since my friends are like family, if the things they seem to value aren’t what I seem to value makes me wonder if I should value those things since to me they are my family.

I can’t explain it and I’ve found it is probably best to write less than more because I just end up disillusioning myself thinking it might be that or I feel this way or it’s because this or that was said. I’ve tried typing the things that I’ve pinpointed as being honest. I just think it is better to let these emotions play its course. I need to get back to working but I have yet to hear from my old job.

Resources exhausted

I am just so sick of things now. I need to get back to working again. The first week and a half was fun but now life is getting boring and I’m getting sick of everything. I’m sick of anime. I’m sick of games. I’m sick of alcohol. I’m so sick of everything I seem to have gotten sick because I’m here with a headache, stuffy nose and just feeling very under the weather.

This will go unfinished because I am done with this entry

I honestly could not sleep well last night at all. Too much tossing and turning since I suppose I was more sick than I thought but I still went out and drank with my friends. I had such a horrible headache when I got back home. Not from drinking too much either just because I probably shouldn’t have had anything to drink since I felt a little under the weather.

Last night was a fun night though. It was good to be around some guys I’ve known for years and to laugh and experience a good time with them. Although, I really do dislike being such an indifferent person being around them. I really wish I could have been of some help but I didn’t really have much to offer as we searched around for places to go after the brew works. I am as clueless as they are about what to do around here.

I don’t know what I want out of life. I don’t really see value in meeting new people or making new friendships although I did meet some new people at college. Mostly within my major. It wasn’t all that hard to talk to them since we had things in common. The kinds of people I might be interested in might not be in the kinds of places Erik and Andrew are looking into but I will still go with them regardless since I have nothing to really lose. Although, I am really pessimistic about it all.

Is it me or is it them? I don’t know if I can relate to them anymore. I just think I have different priorities and different values. I don’t even know who I relate to anymore.

I don’t know. It just makes me angry. It’s only around these guys am I really this way.

I’m not really looking forward to anything this summer. The only thing I want at this point is a job because I am getting tired of just sitting around at home. I’ve finally stopped marathoning anime which is a good thing because I was starting to lose my sanity.

I just don’t see myself with a girl. I don’t have high hopes for an American girl to just accept me for who I am if she’s more on the “normal” side. Saki-san and Kousaka like relationships do not happen in real life. So that basically leaves finding girls that like the same things as me which I am very uncertain where to go with that.

I got drunk bad

Friday night was a horrible night for me. After a long week of doing work and running around getting drug tests, job interviews and getting the documents together I needed for study abroad. I thought I was ready enough to finally unwind and enjoy my time off from school. Although, this wasn’t without its consequences.

I was drinking Blue Moon, a pretty good tasting beer if you ask me. I think I had a little too much. It was probably the worst I ever got so far. I was really drunk and it’s good I was here at home and not at someone else’s place where I would just be a problem to them. I dunno, I only had 8 but I guess this was just a different beer and such so I wasn’t used to it. Around midnight, I found myself throwing up in the bathroom. Not fun. I threw up again around 1am. I was apologizing a lot to my brother and dad because I was in a real bad state.

I honestly couldn’t believing I was throwing up myself. I was kind of in a state of surprise because I was just sitting in the bathroom since I didn’t feel well and I just got out of the shower. Well, more like just sitting in a bath tube of water dazed. I got out and sat down and I just threw up into my hands. I was really surprised I was doing this because I really took pride that I never had gotten sick from drinking.

The hangover the next morning wasn’t that bad. I seem to handle those pretty well. Only thing that was bad was everything was bright and a slight headache.

As they say, “You live, you learn.”

Spring Semester 08 in retrospect

Well the semester is finally over. For some they had to stay at school until Friday, but I left on Wednesday even though I was done on Tuesday. I decided to just leave on Wednesday since it would give me time to pack and I wouldn’t be in such a rush after a stressful day of finals.

In short, this semester gave me the same results as the last and yet I was more stressed out for whatever reason. Here is a break down in my grades this semester.

Japanese 110: A
Japanese Literature: A-
American Studies: B
Health: A
Speech: ?

Still waiting on my Speech grade.

I was very stressed out of my mind because I thought I wasn’t performing the best that I could do. Granted I wasn’t working very hard at all, but it all worked out in the end and that’s what is important. Next time I shouldn’t expect to get away without working hard enough. Since starting in August, I will be in Japan and that is when I really get a taste of my abilities.

I’ve been getting straight A’s in Japanese since level 001 but it makes me a little uneasy because is it my own abilities or are the teachers just going easy on me because they want to look good or I’m a major in Japanese? I don’t know. So, I am looking forward to being in Japan because I will be able to see if I really live up to the grades I have been receiving.

I’m glad the semester is over, and I don’t think I ever experienced such a wide range of emotions in one semester as I had this Spring. As much as I just wanted to get the hell off campus because I was getting sick of it, living in a dorm away from my family and everything I was familiar with was a very good experience for me. I learned a lot about myself and I think I learned to open myself up a little more to those around me.

I had a great time on Friday the 2nd with Noble-san and everyone. We went to a Hibatchi restaurant and Sensei came with us. Afterwards, we all (but not Sensei and a few others) went to Noble-san’s place to drink and such. It was a fun. I tried Rock Band which was actually a very fun game. The one girl with us got pretty wasted and was laying on Noble-san and then hanging around in his bathroom throwing up. Her friends came by but didn’t help much in regards of getting her out of there. Noble-san just eventually took us back to the campus. He wanted to wait until she left but it was getting late. So, he took us back with her and her friend’s there.

Overall it was a stressful semester but probably not without reason. I don’t think I worried so much about my GPA and grades than this school year. So much would be at stake if my grades weren’t good enough, but that hurdle is over and I am now relieved. I was able to meet a lot of interesting people this school year, and was able to experience some new things. For once in my life in college, I actually felt quite connected to others within my major and my place in it.

Odd feelings

Um, for the first time in my life I am reevaluating my sexual orientation. It’s really weird, but I’ve been finding myself liking traps. Like REALLY liking traps. Just something about guys dressed as women is hot? Although, rest assured it’s not real, and just drawn pictures of which I am interested in. Although, it is a little strange regardless because it’s guys and I’m a guy. Does this make me gay?

It’s not like I woke up this morning and was like I think I’m gay today. I was kinda hung over and was woken up at 5am due to some loud partying from the dorm across from me. So, I just decided to browse 7chan. Clicked on a trap thread and I’m like, “Oh wow this is pretty hot.” followed by “Wait a minute… This seems wrong.”

Like fantasy is fantasy and reality is reality and I consider everything with a .jpg at the end just a part of fantasy and I make sure to NEVER have the TWO cross EVER AGAIN. Also, real traps are ugly. Not like I’ve… Seen any images mind you!! At least drawn it looks moe.

On the other hand, I’m probably just blowing this out of proportion and it was bound to happen since it kinda stems off from the futanari genre. Kind weird how everything is connected like that if you’ve ever seen that weird graph floating around.

Ugh, I am such a walking wreck of messed up fetishes. Don’t even get me started. I partly blame anime for this. Glasses, doll joints, futanari, and now traps! Just to list a few.