I am sick of home life

I’ve never been very close to either my brother and my father ever since my parents divorced back in 96-97. Since that time we’ve all kind of done our own thing and things have just become distant between all of us. Being 21 now, it just makes me a little angry that I have no one to really confide in or to talk about my problems or what kinds of decisions I should take. Sure, I have been blogging(online journal writing) for years now but sometimes it’s good to play off ideas with another person.

It’s all very troublesome, but I act like this is something new when it really isn’t. I’ve been fighting my inner demons since my parents got divorced alone. I never confided in my father and just withdrew into my inner world. I haven’t liked my father for some time now. He’s nice and does a lot for me don’t get me wrong but I just harbor some anger towards him for just abandoning me emotionally even though I was in obvious pain for so long. He never came to me trying to get me to open up to him. He never tried to find interest in what I was interested in. My father hasn’t been much of a father figure for me. I am not very close with my defined family. For me, family has been my friends, and sadly even those seem to be fading as we all begin to get older and go our separate ways.

It just makes me so angry that my father isn’t doing anything to try and make my brother do something with himself. My brother is 18 now going on 19 next month and he’s pretty much almost an adult, but he’s still not 21. I hate to admit it but I do worry about my brother’s wellbeing. To see him just throw away his life like this bothers me. I know he needs to live his life and learn lessons for himself but sometimes pain can be avoided if you just listen to what others have to say. He could at least help out around the house if he’s not going to do anything job oriented.

It just annoys me that my brother just sits around at home and doesn’t do anything productive with himself. I got up at 7:00am and he woke up at 2:00pm today. He’s been out of high school for a year now. He pretty much does this everyday. He just stays in doors and browses the Internet and talks to this girl on the phone from Massachusetts that he met online for hours at night. He hasn’t looked for a job, and he doesn’t seem to have any motivation to strive to some kind of higher lifestyle. He also just gives up on things that he starts. He went for driver training for about three days before just quitting and wasting my father’s money over it.

Just last week he had this girl he met online stay over for the week while I was gone in Maine. I don’t know what went on exactly while I was gone but apparently my father allowed it. I confronted my father about it but he’s like, “I agree with Ethan’s choice. She may not be very attractive… But Ethan and her get along well. Maybe she’ll be able to get him out of this pit he’s in. Maybe he’ll become more active.” It was something like that. I just don’t agree with this. You can’t just depend on another person to get you out of something. Maybe I’m bitter. Maybe it’s because I’ve had to get through my own pain alone that makes me find people unreliable. I don’t know, but I have more hope in the power of the individual than depending on others to get me out of my depressed feelings. Other people are fallible and undependable. Only the individual can make the choice to really move forward. My dad isn’t acting much like a father. He never has. A girl is the last thing my brother should be getting involved with.

I just want to scream. I have no power over this situation at all and my father doesn’t seem to care. I’m just not around anymore. My life is moving forward, but everything here isn’t. I’m sick of it. I know my brother is getting older and can make choices for himself, but I think he’s making a bad choice. I think he’s just living in some kind of fantasy without really making any progress with his life. I’ve told my father that I don’t agree with this at all, and that I have no idea why he doesn’t. He’s pretty much like, “Don’t worry. He’ll probably end up in Massachusetts.” What kind of answer is that!?

I haven’t confronted my brother about my feelings yet but I’m afraid to. I just have this growing pit of anger in my stomach that just wants to be unleashed. I want to yell at him. I want to scream at him. I want to hit him. I want him to see that what he is doing isn’t helping himself at all. I’m afraid to get close to him in that way since I’ve never really acted like a good brother to him either. I’m not free of blame either. I’ve called him a failure among other things. I’ve kicked him and hit him out of anger before. I am not free of blame either. All three of us. My father, my brother and I have all been bad people to each other. We all just abandoned each other and yet kept a minimum bond since we’re related. We are hardly what you call a family. On one hand, I don’t want to leave for Japan so soon but on the other I just want to get out of this environment as soon as possible. I never realized how leaving on your own away from your family just for a year can change your prospective of them.

I’m sorry if I make my home life sounds worse than maybe what it really is. It is perhaps the best I could ask for but it was just lacking in much that I needed while growing up, and now there is nothing really there when I need it most. I am sorry to just rant like this but I have no one else that I can really just vent off to.

Worried

I am so anxious right now. So anxious that I cannot concentrate on other things and I’m avoiding what I’m anxious about. That is studying for this Japanese language exam once I get to Japan. I am so nervous over this thing. I’m going to fail it and not get to the level I need to get into if I don’t devout more time to studying Japanese. I hardly remember the last few chapters of the second book. I think this is the thing that I need to do more than above anything else.

I can’t concentrate on games, anime, or reading. The fact I haven’t been studying and I’m trying to avoid it is leaving a shaky feeling in my heart. This is the reason I haven’t been enjoying my hobbies of late. It was a little easier to fool myself into thinking I had time to put off since I had just gotten out of school for the summer, but now that this camping trip is over, there is nothing between me and my trip to Japan. The plane tickets are paid for. Things are becoming more concrete and it’s starting to hit me. Play time is over and I need to start taking responsibility and start doing these things that are important. I cannot avoid this anymore. If only for a few hours a day, I need to review.

My brother is trash

Once again I am angry at my brother. I hate how he just lays around the house and does nothing with himself. It’s been nearly a year now since he graduated high school. He hasn’t had a job and he tried to get his driver’s license but just ended up quiting. When I got home from Maine, apparently he had this girl over for the week. She’s from Massachusetts and he met her online. She is totally fucking fat. I mean what the hell? I honestly expected my brother to get better. My brother, I think, is a lot better looking than I am and he picks up some fat chick from the Internets and has her stay over at our house for the week. God damn.

I am tired of this kid. He is nothing and will never become anything. He is turning into such a slob as well. Always belching out loud like what Emily was doing ALL THE TIME on the Maine trip. It’s disgusting. I know there are times where people just go on the other side of the tracks and don’t do the norm. But, my brother has done nothing to progress his life. He’s just been doing the same damn things all the time since a year ago. Just browse the Internet and stay indoors. Since I’ve been home for the summer, he talks to this girl all the time on the phone. Honestly, I would have nothing against this if the girl wasn’t so fucking fat, and my brother actually did something with his life. He needs to move forward and stop with this fantasy. He’s been in this stasis period for too long.

I’ve talked to my dad about it but he’s like, “He’s just going at his own pace.” Bullshit. If I went at my own pace I’d be doing nearly the same shit as him. I just have higher goals and expectations of myself. My brother boggles my mind. Doesn’t he desire anything better of himself than just sitting around all day doing nothing? AND FOR SO LONG. My dad appears to be pinning his hope on this one girl to get Ethan out of whatever it is he’s in. I don’t agree with this either. It doesn’t work like that. You can’t use people as a crutch to get you out of your slumps. People are fallible and unreliable. The only one you can depend on to get you to move forward and out of your pit of whateverness is yourself.

I’m washing my hands of this. I don’t care. He can do whatever he wants. I’m not around anymore. I’m hardly a part of this family as it is anymore. I’m leaving for Japan in a few weeks. He can fuck up his life even more for all I care.

Back from Maine – Time regrettably moves forward

I was gone in Maine for the week at the national park, Acadia, by Bar Harbor. It was a very enjoyable experience. As Erik said the word that summed up the trip was definitely soggy. The ground, tents, firewood, relations among everyone on the trip were all soggy. Mostly due to the weather. It rained the entire week we were there, and the only two nice days really were the day we arrived and the day we left. All the people that went along were me, Erik, Andrew, Steve, Megan, Emily, Jess, Ross and Kristi. A far cry from the 12 people total that was desired.

Let’s go camping – I don’t want to encounter a bear

Well, I leave for camping in Maine with Erik and everyone later today for the week. I am honestly not very excited for it, but I find myself not really getting excited for anything anymore. Erik says I should try having a more positive attitude about it. Not really sure what to expect so I try to keep my expectations low so if it really isn’t that enjoyable I won’t be let down but if it’s actually really enjoyable I’ll be surprised all the more. I guess you get whatever you put into it so I want to bring some things so I have some personal entertainment.

I should probably bring some things to read on the way there and while camping. Probably will continue to read The Wind-up Bird Chronicle by Murakami and this new book I bought today on Linguistics called The Language Instinct. A friend of mine from college recommended it to me since I am interested in Linguistics and he is a minor in it. Also going to bring some manga just for the down time when I don’t feel like reading something without pictures. I have the new volume of Negima and a ton of other stuff I haven’t even touched. Definitely going to bring my Japanese stuff to study since it would be a waste having that week off and not studying. I should bring something to write things down.

I hope the weather is nice and tolerable, but it looks like it might rain the entire time we’re there so says the weather forecast. I like rainy weather and I probably wouldn’t mind, but this is camping and no one wants to really camp in the rain. Least I don’t.

As for the people going down. I don’t know. Lately I really find myself being detached from everyone and even myself. I miss the days when I would blog daily about my life and the daily happenings. It at least kept me more in touch with who I was and how I felt. Looking back on my old entries from years ago, it seemed like I was more a person than I am today. In the past things would annoy me or just get me angry. I had more of a personality because of those things. Now I just seem more calm and serene. Nothing really gets me angry or annoys me, but I am just in a state of total emotionlessness it seems. Lately, I haven’t been blogging much and I seem to be losing myself or whatever it was I thought was me.

The people I’m going camping with are good people and I have nothing against any of them, but I just don’t feel very close with any of them anymore especially Erik. Although, this is probably my own fault for not really doing much to improve our friendship. But it’s been kinda shaky ever since our interests diverged and I started to change as a person since my high school days. Erik seems pretty serious about this camping thing, and I don’t blame him. Although, he really is the type that wants to have the right stuff for the occasion. I’m more laid back and make due with what you got. I should probably invest in a small reading light though. I’m totally not prepared for this thing. Probably.

The ideal me

The me that I want to strive to become has nothing to do with becoming rich, famous, or even get in many affairs with women. I think the kinds of goals the dreams I hope for myself are rather simple and nothing really all that special or important to most people. They might be even controversial to an everyday person.

Right now I really dislike my appearance. Nothing like I’m ugly I look horrible. Just the little things that I can do something about. I don’t really think I’m all that overweight or anything, but more like out of shape. I’ve been striving to at least work out again everyday or every other day such as when I’m off from work to exercise. I miss jogging but my shoes are really broken up now and not good/safe for jogging. So, I won’t be doing that unless I want to invest in some sneakers.

Not just my physical appearance do I want to work on but just the way I appear to others on the outside. I’ve been wanting to get a haircut for a long time now. I’m really sick of my hair. It’s just some remnants of a me from 3 years ago. I want a haircut which doesn’t take a whole lot of money but clothes do. I want to wear more fashionable clothes. Nothing to impress people but like nice clothes. I’m not much of a person who follows fashion trends and what not, but I would like to wear dressy like clothes more often as a regular day kind of thing. This might be something that can be achieved in the future.

I’ve started reading again. All last semester I just couldn’t seem to find time to read, but I’ve been reading again. It has once again reawakened my desire to just want to become a fountain of knowledge. I just want to read everything and anything, but I usually read when I want to or when I make time to. When I do make time I make sure to read a lot though. Anyway, I want to read a lot of many different subjects. History, religion, philosophy, some sociology, some psychology, and I’ve been wanting to read some things on linguistics since I am a language major. I’ve thought about other subjects just to become more knowledgeable in them, but I don’t know about that. I never really liked business, economics and math much.

I occasionally read fiction books but have no great desire to read tons of it. I spent a lot of high school reading mostly classic literature and I’ve grown to dislike it. I can understand why it’s important but it’s really a thing of the time. I like light reads without anything too deep to them. Haruki Murakami is probably my favorite writer since his stuff is more modern and very light to read a great deal in one sitting.

I believe that I have many qualities that are good, and some that need to be worked on, but the ideal me isn’t anything like becoming outrageous or more outgoing. I could be a little more of those things but I am who I am. Every time when all is said and done I end up trying to justify why I didn’t talk enough with Erik and everyone, but I need to grow out of that and just accept who I am. I don’t quite understand why I can be talkative in some situations like when I was at college, and back here at home with people I’ve known for years I act another. I don’t want to speculate reasons why, but the ideal me is his true mind. Currently I am very lost. I believe that I show many faces and I don’t know who is the real me or the me that is the correct myself. Are all forms of me myself or just a fragment? Which is the real one and which are just pretends? These are things I am searching for.

Right now I just desire to become better at what I’m studying. The ideal would to become fluent in Japanese. It would be nice to just get a job doing something with Japanese. I wouldn’t mind if it isn’t all that high paying. If I can afford everyday expenses with enough for things on the side I think I could find myself being content.

These are just some things I’ve been turning over in my mind as of late. Nothing important or special and might be just a fleeting kind of deal. I don’t know, but this is the kind of person I’ve been wanting to build myself up to be like. I guess this is what people call goals.

A regret – Got to come to terms with this

I haven’t been writing much about my life presently, but I assure you (and myself in a way) that there really hasn’t been much going on in my life. Ever since I left high school and just stopped having contact with old “friends” from my high school, things have just quieted down and there just is less drama to write about, and a lot less makes me angry and what not. Since my life is pretty boring as well there is nothing exciting to write about.

But right now I cannot concentrate. This is one of the first entries in my life that I’ve written on paper first. Currently, I am at Borders and I was reading for a little while actually. I decided to get up and browse around before I started to study Japanese until I saw her browsing the manga. I first started to notice her about two or three years ago. She’s the same girl I spoke about in this entry, and actually got me into liking Yukarin as noted in that entry.

I don’t know her name nor do I know if she’s younger or older than me. I think she is older at this point or at least out of college. What made me notice her was definitely the way she dressed and her ladylike air around her. The numerous times that I’ve seen her, she has worn sun dresses or other dressy/cute attire but never pants. These are the kinds of women I like, and this is why I will never find this kind of girl that appeals me around here or around my friends.

My standards are far to high for the kind of person that I am and those that I hang around. I’ve been trying to change and improve myself into the person that I want to become, which I will talk about in the next entry. Although, these changes are slow but any progress is still progress. Also, I am just horrible at meeting new people randomly unless we share some kind of common bond or interest that would make a good segue into other topics.

After writing this out I feel better. When I first saw her there was this initial shock and my heart beat making me quickly turn a corner, but all it is is a little crush. In the past, I’ve fallen into the trap of deluding myself and making up little stories in my head. Something to make me think the other side might be interested in me, but it’s not real. It’s true that I will never know unless I don’t act. But there is a time for acting and a time for recognizing just fantasy and passion. Now is one of those times where I must sit back and just say, “Goodbye.” to something that was never there. Those feelings are just remnants of a younger me that must be regrettably let go.