Yesterday & Today

Well, the summer is pretty much over and everyone is back at college. A rather uneventful end to an interesting summer, I guess. A lot went on maybe, but a lot of it seems hazy as if it never really happened. Like Maine, wow it’s hard to imagine we even went camping. It seems so far away. I had a nice dinner with friends on the 18th followed by some Internet gaming at Nerv which was nice. It seemed all so final though as if it would be the last time we’d see each other, but there still is the winter and spring breaks essentially. Bonds just seem to be growing weaker and weaker among a lot of us for some reason or another but I suppose that is how life is. Although, you only really start to notice how great people are when they start to leave your side.

I’ve been rather angry living here at home for the summer. I just cannot understand the life my brother lives day in and day out. I couldn’t handle it and I don’t get how he can. Hell, I’ve been kinda doing it all this week and I’m sick of it already. He has been out of high school for two years now. He never leaves the house and just stays indoors on his computer, and talking to his online girlfriend on the phone and such. My dad is just my dad, but other than the things I feel he does out of obligation we aren’t very close. I’m not very close with either of them, but I guess that’s how things are and will always be among us. I have accepted this, and come to terms with it.

My father was never a good father to me growing up and I’ve accepted this and I need to move on from this and not let it bog me down. He has never mentioned that he was ever proud of me or expressed how he feels about what I’m doing with myself. It doesn’t really hurt me much because we haven’t been close, but I just feel like writing it down because isn’t it normal for parents to say such things? I don’t know. Regarding my brother, he is living his own life. I can’t tell him how to live it. He needs to learn to change on his own and ultimately it is up to him to decide on that. Not me. But I can bet he will still be doing the same things once I return and if he isn’t and is actually doing something with himself. I will swallow my pride and actually congratulate him.

A lot went on for me this summer. I had a very downward spiral period filled with much depression, self loathing and escapism. But it seems like I’ve been able to pull myself out of it. My motivation and confidence is really starting to come back which is a good sign. But my sleep schedule is very off, and I still need to pack my entertainment bag with stuff I need for Japan. My clothing is all packed though. I’m kind of going with the flow. I’m not very scared or worried about anything since I’m not really sure what to expect actually. I will take one thing at a time.

Going to Japan. It was easy to say, “Yeah, I plan to go to Japan next year.” Just a two semesters ago, but now all that I’ve worked for is just over the horizon and has come true. I’m no longer in shock, stressing about it, or fearing it. I mean, it’s reality so I need to face it head first now. It’s been a while since I’ve actually thought about myself, my character, but I’m hoping I learn much about myself abroad. I don’t doubt that I will. Being in a different culture, I will learn much more about depending on myself, how to budget money and all these other thing. A lot of people are expecting good things of me, and they’re anticipating to see how I will change and grow in just a few months. I’m not sure exactly what I’m waiting for but somewhere and somehow I’ll grow into the person that I want to be.

Cheers to us my friends.

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Yesterday & Today
Do As Infinity

Dear friends, so long
In those unforgettable encounters
We used both hands to hug our wounds, Wandering eternally
Attending that limited world, The travelers

It’s so precious when you have good wishes
Open eyes and see inside of your heart
It’s so precious when you have good wishes
Open eyes and see inside of your heart

The crime called solitude, They induce sounds of prayers
The reality that became last, And the soft sighs of the tomorrow
Believing that that will forgive him, There is no need to feel perplexed
You just need to proceed in front

It’s so precious when you have good wishes
Open eyes and see inside of your heart
It’s so precious when you have good wishes
Open eyes and see inside of your heart

Wandering eternally, Walking towards the light, The travelers

Dear friends,
Even if don’t have the energy
We still have to cross that phase, Bravely
To love, mutually, Leave the eternity to bloom in that city
It is then one day maybe we will sing together again,
Beginning one more day
La… la… la…

Music is awesome

So, apparently they don’t make the 30GB Ipods anymore, which is what I had. Now they have 80GB Ipods. I bought that which was relatively the same price but holds 20,000 songs. Good deal and awesome upgrade in my opinion. I’m putting all my music back onto my new Ipod, and I’m finding songs I’ve never even HEARD before. This is the problem with Ipods. Least with burning CDs you choose the best of the best that you liked, but with Ipods there is so much fat that needs to be trimmed off, and in my case, I seem to listen to the same 100 or so songs even though on my last Ipod I have about 5,500 songs on it.

Also, maybe with these 6th generation Ipods they kinda reworked the shuffle feature or something. I dunno. Oh well, finding good music that was ALWAYS there is awesome, but kinda slowpoke like.

Damn it dad

I am too drunk to care right now but for one thing.

1. We are just children looking for an escape.

2. I don’t care how I act in front of a bunch of freshmen college students.

And.

3. My Ipod was stolen from my car because my dad never locks my car door niiiice. He owes me $300 dollars. A fucking god damn, I lock my car doors and roll up my windows even if there is nothing of value in my car no matter what. Hate my dad kinda a lot right now.

Move on

I had about 500 words or so written out but then I read over what I wrote and then deleted it all. I realized basically it could all just be summed up.

Everything that once meant something or was important in the past, doesn’t mean anything and isn’t all that important anymore.

ぼろぼろ – Crumbling

Lately I’ve been very cynical and angry in my thoughts. I’ve been having this growing anger for a lot of things and in particular religion because I’ve been watching videos about people who say certain religions are true while others not and what have you. The list goes on. It just seems so pointless to me, and I want to go into an entire rant about how I feel but that really doesn’t make much of a difference than what they’re doing in those videos.

When I’m angry, cynical and just hateful of humanity that obviously shows that something is wrong with my balance. I’m probably just projecting the hate that I’ve been having for myself outward. I’m blaming others for my own inabilities.

Life is just so pointless. I imagine what if I just didn’t go to college after high school. I’d just be working some dead end job and living on my own the rest of my life day in and day out. I would have no opportunities to meet new people or experience new things. I would get no where. I find the same thing happening in my life now but it’s only going slower. All my current friends that I’ve come to know. We all kind of just hang out and we all know we’re going to go our separate ways and we’re all just trying to run away from the reality of what is to come at least that looks like how it is in my eyes. Real life comes down to it how much of a pay check you want to receive. So you get an education, and network and try to get a better job. What’s the point of gaining knowledge when you’ll die. What’s the point in doing anything but feeling good and having a good time? But doesn’t make sense because I absolutely detest my brother on occasion for doing just that. So perhaps I have more of a jealous feeling for my brother and his life style. Dunno.

Lately I’ve been wonder what is the point of morality? Why do I act the way I do, and why can’t I easily go against what is ingrained in my head. Would I be any better with them or go about things a different way? What exactly are my deep moral values? I just do what I “feel” and I’ve been pretty indifferent.

I’ve finally grabbed a hold of that feeling that could be best equated with excitement when it comes to going to Japan. I’m excited. I want to get away from here. I want to get out and meet new people and see new things and experience new things and settings. I want to grow up. Push myself. Find a new me, possibly. Ever since I’ve come back home I can only feel like I’ve lost all that progress I’ve gained throughout the year as I was living in a dorm at college for the first time.