Journalism – Something I always did but never considered

I am sort of regretting that I never realized that I should have double majored or minored or SOMETHING to do with writing. I have been writing since I was young too when it came to writing horrible fantasy stories on my own, then blogging, and then writing about anime. Writing was something that I just did but nothing I ever considered doing as a job.

It just kind of donned on me that I am learning Japanese, a language that a lot of people in the anime/game community want to learn but some just never study it. If by studying Japanese, I could then write articles for a website or a magazine regarding anime or games or whatever. I never thought about it as an option. I was so dead set that I could only do translation but I never thought of writing as well.

I love writing. I must because if I didn’t I wouldn’t do it so often. The more and more as time goes on I really want to get better. The option of translating and writing articles sounds interesting to me. I guess I could always just take classes on the side if I were really interested.

Life is exciting and yet I wish I knew more about what I wanted to do in the future. If I only just discovered I like to write then I can only imagine what else I do that I am obviously to.

I’m trying – The road to becoming a better blogger

I don’t think I have ever tried as hard to wanting to improve my writing ability so much since the days I wanted to be a novelist back in my high school years. I really want to improve my writing. Get people to come and enjoy what I write. Think up interesting entries and actually put some thought and effort into them.

I have looked past the number of hits I get per day and it really was rude of me months ago to never really give much of a care to my readers and what they thought by being slow to respond or just ignoring what they left as comments in the first place. Readers are people too and they have feelings and just ignoring them generally isn’t going to make them read what I have to say again. Also, by ignoring what comments they had to give I ignored possible roads and alleyways to improve.

I am starting to recognize once again that my blog isn’t an island and if I really am serious about blogging and wanting to improve I need to be consistent in my entries by writing daily or at least every so often. I partly blame the first few months of school here in Japan, disorientation from culture shock and those things, but I am really back and ready to keep improving. クロス† チャネル has only been on a downward scale since the summer but that is because I took my readers for granted and wasn’t trying by that point. There is only a few more days left of November and I refuse to let クロス† チャネル get any lower in its monthly hits. This year will not end in the way it has been going for the past few months.

It has been decided – I am traveling south towards Osaka

The winter break is coming up and since it is so long I think this would be the perfect opportunity to go on one of those kinds of trips you go on when you want to find yourself or something like that. I dunno, I have been wanting to just go on a trip solely relying on my feet to get me along, a backpack on with essential things and just sleeping outside. It is crazy I know. I have no idea where I will stay or what I will do but I think that is some of the fun of it.

I am tired of being wimpy in my eyes. I want to do something adventurous and exciting. I might not ever get the chance to try this ever again in my life. This is something I want to experience. It might be cold since it will be winter here in Japan and it probably isn’t all that safe although Japan is pretty safe seemly than America.

I might die and never come back but we’ll see. Hell, it could be some fun. I am all about choices so if I die it isn’t like I didn’t know I wouldn’t. I made the choice.

My rules are that I have decided that I will take the subway in one direction as far it will go and go by foot from there. I should probably buy a map too because I am definitely going to fucking get lost I know it, and this is already starting to sound like a bad idea. Also, I have decided on south because it might be warmer there. Hrm, if anything walking to Oosaka is the destination. We’ll see how I fare when the time comes.

I am going to die.

OMG I am glad I am staying in Japan for another semester

I am glad I decided to stay in Japan for another semester because the time for going home would be soon and I would feel like it was such a waste since I spent a good 2 and a half months dealing with culture shock which ranged from intense hostility to depression. From here on I feel like really doing my best, and not just giving half.

Although, I find it odd that the most important lessons I am learning here in Japan aren’t those that involve Japanese or Japanese culture what so ever. I am learning a lot more about life lessons and myself than anything else. I guess if you’ve been following this blog you would understand. But for example the most important lesson I have learned recently is just how important a full amount of sleep each night is for me. I just feel so much more alive, energetic, and less moody. I also feel like I have a whole lot more time on my hands because I am not always taking naps or rather getting a full night’s rest in two 4 hour shifts.

Go away, but stay by me – Japan is growing on me

I think one thing with me is that I really loathe people, and find them a bother, but at the same time I enjoy their company tremendously. I am so tsundere. I want people to stay by my side but only to have these fragile bonds that whenever I am looking for something fun to do or when I am feeling down they should be there for me to serve as entertainment or encouragement.

Like, without everyone else there and if I were to visit Kyoto on my own I wouldn’t have had such a great time as I did. It is troublesome. Generally, I like to do my own thing, and being left to my own devices leads to a rather large increase in productivity, but at the cost of being very unsociable and more like a hermit.

But at least I am decent at faking interest in others and being sociable. Although, it always irks me when you see people you know who are walking in the opposite direction as you, and should I say hi or just not say anything at all. Those kinds of encounters always lead to awkwardness. It’s odd how I haven’t had much social contact for the past year, but coming to Japan I have met some of the fucking weirdest, and annoying people ever which reminds me why I went into seclusion in the first place.

I will admit that the social contact is a good change of pace for me because I am starting to realize that I am still not as perfect as I thought and still have a lot of quirky tendencies of my own that need to be fixed. One being I am really too considerate of other people’s feelings. Sometimes I need to be direct. Sometimes a chuckle isn’t the answer to everything.

In other news, Japan is really starting to grow on me. It’s odd because I was so hateful and angry about it at the start of the semester. That all seems like a dream now, and I consider this more or less my temporary home. Everyone around me is getting sick while I remain somewhat healthy. I am keeping my fingers crossed. I really want to do my best here but I still don’t find myself doing any hardcore studying like I did when I was trying to get here. It is a shame, but I don’t think anyone else is working all that hard all and all. I don’t know how that is related but whatever. I have starting today gotten over my fear of class. Some how I had forgotten that living in fear of being called on only leads to pain and unneeded stress. If I go to class with confidence even if I mess up I don’t look stupid, maybe.

I still have yet to regain the confidence that I once had though because I can see the obvious differences between myself and others. I no longer have the perceived advantage that I thought I had at Penn State. We’re all from different schools with varying levels of knowledge and years of study. Compared to a lot of other people I am like a level 200 studying in a 400 level class.

If it is one thing I should not forget is that I need to do my best with the knowledge and time of studying that I have had up to this point, and that shouldn’t be a point of discouragement but rather something to keep trying and moving forward.

Some obscene dreams I have experienced of late

Ok, so yeah I have been having some weird dreams lately, and really the symbolism is so apparent what it means, and it is so typical Freud.

The one dream I had was on the IES Kyoto trip where I was in a room there was a shit ton of semen on the floor and some pron scattered around too. Although, I think I am fairly certain there was a beginning part involving a female.

The second dream I had was just today during my nap. So, um I found myself sucking on a long penis which was my own in this dream.

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I’m not really sure what these dreams mean but I will take a stab in the dark I guess. The first one is pretty obvious that I have been feeling rather deprived of sexual and just romantic feelings in my life. Although, it is a little odd because I really don’t have much experience of it to begin with. Can one really long for it when I really don’t know what it is like to begin with? Romance is something I want to experience I guess but on the other hand sleeping around just seems better since I just look at girls as objects generally.

Oddly enough, this goes to my entry on anime girls where basically there are those that will be treated like objects but only a very few I truly like in the end. I can only assume it is like this in real life. If ever I’ll meet those that would just be for sex or good feelings and then those I could truly find myself loving as a person. As I mentioned, I guess I could find some way to just sleep around but that doesn’t seem like my style and I really don’t want the emotional baggage since I am a very sentimental and emotional person. Sometimes I wish I were born a woman because such complicated feelings would just seem more justified…

When it comes to romance and relationships in general I have very complicated feelings. I usually give the excuse that I am more focused on what I need to do now involving myself and I don’t have time. Also, I say things like, “I’m not good enough.” Which is partly true. I’d rather someone else than myself since I am hardly the best of people even though I seem to do the best for myself. But watching Ef, the one character, Hiro, really made apparent a fatal flaw that I have. I only give half for everything I do. I am also not willing to sacrifice and drop various things that might be getting in the way. I am a stubborn person.

It is so complicated because how can lust become love? Generally, you meet girls if you are attracted to them by their appearance. I just don’t find this right at all. It seems better to just randomly have romance come out of no where if you’ve known each for a long time and just eventually realize, “Hey, I like this person.” Or whatever. I don’t know. I usually also give the excuse if I have my right hand I’m fine with that. Really, I guess I have just resorted myself to believing I will never experience a relationship or I just am a very weird person but really women just attract me but it isn’t their body features and more like their clothes. If you put a girl in one set of clothes but then put them in another they go from sexy to boring or vice versa.

I am still very childish because of my lack of experience, and I have written before. I am not cool, and I am most certainly not living in a drama. So, why do I think I am attracting other women around me? I am a very self centered and confident person on the inside but weak and withdrawn on the outside, perhaps. Maybe this is my way of acting modest but it really isn’t true modesty at all. It is just a mask for the kind of person I am on the inside.

The other dream probably points to being selfish and self centered which is typical of me generally.

It’s odd really. The things I have written I really don’t think about during my day. I don’t think about being selfish or self centered or that I want sex. Generally I think I am being a “good guy”. I don’t know myself honestly. I like to think the actions and responses I do are the best I could make, but how do I really feel? Who is the true me?

I want my euphoric field

I woke up today wondering just why I am here in Japan.

I woke up yesterday from a nap with a thought reminding me that my time alive is finite and I will die someday.

Why do I waste time? tick tick tick

What is my dream?

Friendship is golden.

Where am I going?

I realize that this is my story and I pave my own way but feels like I have no control over anything. Sometimes I wish someone would just come into my life and free me from the bonds that I feel I have. But I’m not as cool as I think I am. I am not as cold hearted as I wish I were. I’m average, and I have no idea what my talents are. I’m not in a drama. Why do I keep thinking this?

I want to do better. I feel like I am not doing the best I can but to do that I need to cut myself off from everyone, and for the first time I feel like I am missing things when if I cut myself off. When did I start valuing social interaction?

Just being around people warms my heart up. Things feel better. Is there more to life than just grades?

I wish I knew where I was going. Up to this point I feel like I have had circumstances that just lead me into a direction where I had to go, but from here I feel like I don’t know where to go. I am at a dead end. I want someone to tell me where I go from here. What do I do? What CAN I do?

Does everything require hardwork to get a good payoff?

Apparently because I’ve forgotten how you have to work to get people to read a blog. I just kind of assumed people would keep on coming even after I only write every so often. I guess it doesn’t work that way for the unpopular ones. It is no wonder my hits have been dying. I think if I gradually write more and more daily about anime or some other various topics. Who knows? Maybe I can find myself enjoying anime again as a hobby or find myself writing better. I don’t know. I do like this recent string of upward progression. I do want to try hard to keep it that way because honestly I miss the days when I would get like 1,000 hits or so a day and getting barely 300 a day was making me feel sad.