Some obscene dreams I have experienced of late

Ok, so yeah I have been having some weird dreams lately, and really the symbolism is so apparent what it means, and it is so typical Freud.

The one dream I had was on the IES Kyoto trip where I was in a room there was a shit ton of semen on the floor and some pron scattered around too. Although, I think I am fairly certain there was a beginning part involving a female.

The second dream I had was just today during my nap. So, um I found myself sucking on a long penis which was my own in this dream.

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I’m not really sure what these dreams mean but I will take a stab in the dark I guess. The first one is pretty obvious that I have been feeling rather deprived of sexual and just romantic feelings in my life. Although, it is a little odd because I really don’t have much experience of it to begin with. Can one really long for it when I really don’t know what it is like to begin with? Romance is something I want to experience I guess but on the other hand sleeping around just seems better since I just look at girls as objects generally.

Oddly enough, this goes to my entry on anime girls where basically there are those that will be treated like objects but only a very few I truly like in the end. I can only assume it is like this in real life. If ever I’ll meet those that would just be for sex or good feelings and then those I could truly find myself loving as a person. As I mentioned, I guess I could find some way to just sleep around but that doesn’t seem like my style and I really don’t want the emotional baggage since I am a very sentimental and emotional person. Sometimes I wish I were born a woman because such complicated feelings would just seem more justified…

When it comes to romance and relationships in general I have very complicated feelings. I usually give the excuse that I am more focused on what I need to do now involving myself and I don’t have time. Also, I say things like, “I’m not good enough.” Which is partly true. I’d rather someone else than myself since I am hardly the best of people even though I seem to do the best for myself. But watching Ef, the one character, Hiro, really made apparent a fatal flaw that I have. I only give half for everything I do. I am also not willing to sacrifice and drop various things that might be getting in the way. I am a stubborn person.

It is so complicated because how can lust become love? Generally, you meet girls if you are attracted to them by their appearance. I just don’t find this right at all. It seems better to just randomly have romance come out of no where if you’ve known each for a long time and just eventually realize, “Hey, I like this person.” Or whatever. I don’t know. I usually also give the excuse if I have my right hand I’m fine with that. Really, I guess I have just resorted myself to believing I will never experience a relationship or I just am a very weird person but really women just attract me but it isn’t their body features and more like their clothes. If you put a girl in one set of clothes but then put them in another they go from sexy to boring or vice versa.

I am still very childish because of my lack of experience, and I have written before. I am not cool, and I am most certainly not living in a drama. So, why do I think I am attracting other women around me? I am a very self centered and confident person on the inside but weak and withdrawn on the outside, perhaps. Maybe this is my way of acting modest but it really isn’t true modesty at all. It is just a mask for the kind of person I am on the inside.

The other dream probably points to being selfish and self centered which is typical of me generally.

It’s odd really. The things I have written I really don’t think about during my day. I don’t think about being selfish or self centered or that I want sex. Generally I think I am being a “good guy”. I don’t know myself honestly. I like to think the actions and responses I do are the best I could make, but how do I really feel? Who is the true me?