Looking back on 2008

If this were the me from years ago, I could just prattle on about my experiences on the year, but I am older now and just more lazy I guess.

To be brief, I have so many experiences, memories and feelings that I want to etch on this virtual paper for whatever reason. I will never come back to read it ever again, but if I do all I can say that it has been a very good year. With all its hardships and joy, I take it all hand in hand.

I look forward to the kinds of things I will experience in 2009.

Things

The two stupid things that I wanted to do before I leave have been done. I don’t regret them in the slightest. Whatever will happen will happen. It is much better to act in whatever way then to keep the feelings to oneself for all eternity. Although, I have yet to man up and be able to say my feelings in person, but in writing is better than nothing at all.

I am ready to set out on my journey. I have no worries or cares. Acceptance or rejection once I get back either or is fine.

The ground rules among other things

Before the break begins I am going to do two stupid things. I figure I might as well try. What do I have to lose? I don’t feel too bad about either of them it is just if the one pulls through it might be like, “Hrm, what do I do now?” and if the other doesn’t work it might then be awkward. I have this odd tendency to take risks from time to time and sometimes I like testing things to see if it might come true. For example, partly this whole Japan thing was seeing if I could actually make it here.

On this trip of mine, I will probably get lost a lot but I will buy a map. A map that probably won’t be much help anyway. I have been formulating some things as a ground rule.

*Getting to Hokkaido is ideal but not necessary. This is mainly for fun and adventure. There is no set destination just experiences.

*I can only get on the subway once to the end in one direction.

*There is no stopping so I always need to be walking, eating, sleeping or a mix of those.

*Find interesting things, and allow time for introspection so that means not listening to music all the time. This will probably be at night just for safety reasons.

*Don’t die.

These aren’t set in stone but just something I have been thinking about. Like, I really want to take some time out to write things that might come in my head and I am also bringing a sketchbook along.

This is going to be interesting. Traveling around Japan on foot during the holidays and New Years. Who can say they have done that out of the people I know? I am not expecting much but I hope this experience changes me in some way or I learn something from it. I guess I’ll soon find out.

I am going to die. I am so scared but at the same time I want to do this. This is so weird.

Free Write

So, I can’t sleep for the life of me right now and it is usually these kinds of time I find myself just typing for the sake of typing and writing out whatever comes to mind whether or not it is how I really feel or not, I suppose.

So, right now I am in the middle of fending off a cold, and right now really isn’t the best time to get sick. Oh, no it is nothing like the weather being bad or anything. For the beginning of December, it is still very warm here. Hell, I have my window open, and the leaves are still on the trees. It really looks beautiful though. It is more like it is a problem to be sick right now because of school and well I haven’t been eating very good lately. Fruit is expensive and I cannot recall the last time I had a good few glasses of milk. This is mostly due to my lack of funds because I keep using my food money on games and such but this should stop probably with the next month’s reimbursement since I am definitely using it for FOOD ONLY, I hope.

Also, being sick just allows weight gain. I am very paranoid about my weight and combined with not eating well is just a bad combo here. I was never all that concerned about my weight in the past but ever since I started to exercise I have been concerned about it because it just feels like if I eat a lot and don’t work out after a while I am just setting myself back and ruining whatever gains I might have had from exercising. It is a funny reason why I started to exercise in the first place because it is a pretty shallow reason. I honestly started to jog and lift weights mostly because I am an anime fan and a mild hikkikomori so I know no girl is ever going to be interested in me so I thought it might be beneficial to just start improving myself so maybe I might looking more appealing. Oh well, it hasn’t helped much in that regard, but it really does make me feel better about myself so I keep it up regardless of not having the kinds of results I wanted in the first place.

I think it is kind of ironic how the people how seem to be most worried about me never get back to me while my dad who doesn’t seem all that concerned about me here in Japan e-mails me back right away whenever I feel like sending an e-mail. My uncle has been annoyance. I mean, I understand where he and my grandmother are coming from but I am horrible at keeping in touch and they should just understand that. If I want to tell them something I’ll call or send an e-mail, but otherwise don’t get angry about my one or two word replies. My world doesn’t revolve around them and they need to accept that.

If it is one thing, I have tremendous gotten more respect for my dad and this just makes me feel more like shit for not really having much respect for him mostly for stupid reasons too in the past.

Well, I am tired. Bed time.

I just want to be cool like the other bloggers

I want to be like the other anime bloggers out there where they actually get a bunch of comments and actually have a discussion or some kind of input. Maybe I just fail at reaching out to people. I don’t know. I want to be able to stroke my E-peen and be all like, “Yeah, people care about what I have to say.” even if the post is like a single image with a witty one liner on the bottom like some other bloggers do.

I really am not a part of the community either, and I really don’t bother to read what other people are writing half the time because I just don’t really care and what they have to say isn’t very relevant to my interests, and I’m not looking to post things that aren’t relevant to my interests just to appease the interests of others. Hrm.

I am just very jealous of other anime bloggers. It feels like I am reaching out to no one and so I lose the motivation to just keep writing and to keep trying.

Stuff

I really want the semester to end. These last few weeks are going to be hell. So much to do, and I have no real motivation to do it. Small tests every day till the end. Rush rush rush.

Just want to get on the road and start walking around Japan. I have a lot to see. A lot to experience and think about.

My life in America feels like a dream. People are moving on without me, and I without them.

I am never good enough.

Stop brooding it doesn’t make you cool.

What’s it like to hug a girl is the kind of feeling I am feeling. SO RONERY. Don’t know why.

Should get to bed since I am feeling sick.