Hate but with no reason

I wonder if not liking someone for no reason at all is a valid reason for not liking a person? Back in high school, I didn’t like certain people because it just seemed like there was just something in the air that they set off with me that just put me on the offensive around them. I would be mean, angry and harsh with them for no real reason. I found this to happen mostly with females.

Here in Japan, I am experiencing such a feeling with this one gaijin girl that is here. I don’t like her, and I am not sure why. I don’t know much about her but whenever I am around her or talking to her she puts me on the offensive. I don’t understand it at all.

I think it has something to do with their image, personality, morals, and character that just conflict with my own ideals. Perhaps. I don’t know.

What is there really to say

I feel sad, but I mean I’m not crying and I am not really all that angry either. I mean, I did what I could, and I expected the worst. I’m not a baby anymore. I’m an adult.

I wish I kinda had someone to talk to about the situation but you know what is there really to say to a person who has been rejected? Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. You did your best.

I mean, what else is there? Move on. Meet new people and try again. Nothing else can be done. You can’t make people feel a certain way for you. It’s just how things are. Although, I am just hoping this doesn’t make things too awkward for the rest of my 5 months here in the dorm. Oh well… But I am tired of being rejected all the time. Least I am actually trying, and gaining confidence. Someday maybe.

I am feeling very tired though. I think I will be able to sleep well now that a huge weight has been lifted off my chest. Let’s get this semester rolling.

Crisscross

I just cannot sleep for the life of me so I ended up walking to Irinaka and then Yagato and then back to the dorms, but not without some star gazing in between. Honestly, this is one thing I am going to miss when going back to America. The ability to just walk around a town at 1 or 2 in the morning without worry of being attacked or jumped. Sure the chances of it happening are there because JAPAN IS NOT SAFE, but really I don’t have much worry walking around Nagoya at night as long as it is the main roads.

I’ve been having some things on my mind lately, which really doesn’t happen too often anymore since I have become more and more laid back, but I took a step back and just thought about how time has really gone by. How just a few years ago I was in high school and all that. I thought about how during those days I felt my life was so very worthless and I didn’t know why I kept on living. I felt life was so stupid. People were stupid. Everything was stupid. I thought. I really just wanted something to end my life because I was just so much of a coward I couldn’t do it myself.

But lately, I can see just how this coming to Japan thing has changed me. Maybe not in a huge way but, I can see some changes, and perhaps my family and friends will see it more than even I can right now once I return. I believe I have gotten to the point that I have come to realize that in life one takes the good with the bad. Life isn’t all bad things, and perhaps I have learned to love myself a little more. I was always the self loathing type.

I have met so many people here and experienced so many things. I have found the value in friendship, and just being in Japan I have learned to love my family. I am going to miss everyone I have met here. I hope once I return back to America, I can take the experiences I have gathered here and apply them later. The last thing I want is to return back and spend my time alone once again in my room groaning and complaining to myself about why isn’t my life going anywhere? Or something along those lines.

Also, I need to act now. Everyday that goes by is a day lost that could have been spent together. Today has to be the day. I need to try.

Let the fun times continue

Already I can tell this is going to be another fun and interesting semester. Maybe not in the same way as last semester but fun nonetheless. Last night, I got back from jogging and ended up drinking with one of my room mates and my Japanese room mate who I hardly ever really talked to until this semester. I really didn’t want to drink that night but I’m glad I did. It was a fun time, and I was able to work on my Japanese, and help correct the Japanese of my room mate and translate some of the things my Japanese room mate was saying for my room mate.

Sure, I woke up at 1:10 pm missing one orientation and then almost missing the more important orientation involving the picking of classes, but hell it was an experience, and it was fun. To be honest, I’m kinda glad my room mates are interested in going to bars and that such of thing because my friends back home like that kind of stuff. I too like drinking and having a good time with others and that was one thing that last semester was kinda lacking on.

Let the fun times continue till the end. I only have about 5 months left so I better do everything that I’ve been wanting to do before I leave.

Also, I got a B in Japanese 400. That’s fine with me. Let’s shoot for an A this semester!

Apathetic

I need to sit down at least a half hour to an hour each day to brainstorm topics for my main blog. Going for days with out something to really write about is killing me and it is mostly due to not taking the time to brainstorm.

In other news, I seem to be trolling a lot in real life again. I wonder what this means? I think it means I feel I am either close to the people I hang around or that I am finally comfortable with my surroundings enough to act that way.

It is tough being a troll though because I have been having this problem that I myself don’t even know what I truly feeling I believe in because when I am around people I like to usually argue the opposite for the sake of being the opposite. Also, I think really believing in something just sets you up for an attack so being apathetic about everything or maybe the important things like god, or the afterlife or even stuff like world hunger or whatever is probably best. But me being indifferent really isn’t anything new anyway…

Some starting notes

So I guess things are off to a good start. I am starting to recognize that there seem to be less people that get my type of humor in the dorms this semester and maybe no one really gets it but me. I like to say stupid and obviously random things. Honestly, I like to laugh, and I like to make other people laugh. Less 4chan type people around too. Especially my room mates seem to have no idea what I am talking about when I sound serious when I’m not. Oh, I wonder what they think of me? Lol. This might make for an interesting semester. They both seem very innocent too. I have been saying this a lot since new people started to move into the dorms, but I feel like a returning character in an RPG. You know, one of the main hero characters that you liked from the first game and then you suddenly discover they return in the sequel. I feel like that.

I mean, living in Nagoya isn’t a new experience for me, but now I can see from an observers point of view how I might have been when I first got here, and the kinds of things I did. My room mates themselves seem okay, but I guess it will take a bit of time for me to really see what kind of people they are.

Welcome Party II

How nostalgic this is of last semester. The welcome party. Least this time I actually know some of the people I am talking to but and yet there is some kind of feeling like… I don’t know.

The last welcome party I don’t remember to well. It’s funny actually. That was me at my worst. I really drank too much and ended up sleeping in the bathroom because I had too much to drink. It was weird and really marked a time that I can look back and realize just how young and stupid I was. Course, I am drinking a lot again but I am trying to not go over board. I mean, liquor really can get you far and fast but it can be dangerous.

These past few days have just been very nostalgic. With all these new foreign exchange students around I feel like one of those returning characters in an RPG that was a hero in the first game and then they reappear as a playable character in the sequel.

…

…

It feels like no response is worse than having a rejection response. At least with a rejection response you get some kind of answer but not even getting a response at all is the worst.

Sigh… I am never going to get this response am I. Oh well, who writes love letters anyway. That is just creepy. Why did I do such a thing. That was stupid of me.

Vacation End

The vacation is going to come to a close soon. Tomorrow the new study abroad students move into the dorms. I hope that goes well. With the beginning of the new semester I hope this causes me to eat and drink less because I have been eating a lot of snacks and drinking few cans of beer every night or every other night as I watch anime. I am going to wake up one day and wonder how I put on the weight.

Hopefully I will start running again. I did a little bit last night and I was surprised to see how my legs haven’t deteriorated as much as I thought, but my heart on the other hand, hahah…

It feels good to sleep in. I am going to miss that.

Looking back on 2008 Part 2

Just a half hour before the next year. I feel this year has been a good year, but it is odd really. The other half of the year, the half where I spent time in America, just seems like a blur. The memories, and feelings. The me that existed then doesn’t seem to exist much now. I suppose I cannot know for sure until I return back to America, but it just seems like this Japan trip has been my whole year. These 5 months have been the entire year for me. I have grown and changed in whatever way that means.

I cannot imagine how much fun I have had in just this amount of time. I have come to know some interesting people over the past 5 months from all over the world, and sadly a lot of them are now gone where I will probably never see a lot of them again in person, and yet I feel indifference. Maybe this is my way of just ignoring the sadness or maybe I have just come to realize that this is a part of life.

During my times in Hokkaido it came to me that the way I used to handle friendship like how I handle characters in strategy games. I stick with the main characters that I start out with never to really move on to the new people that join up. Mostly because I have already built up the current ones enough, but the thing is sometimes these new characters have hidden potential if you start building them up. In other words, I have come to know my current friends back in Allentown well enough, but there are a lot of people out there too that have potential to be my best of friends but I never get to know them or seek them out. Being in Japan has changed my feelings. I learned to seek out and find people with similar interests as myself and because of this I have been having the greatest of experiences.

So when I say this year has been good I say that these 5 months have been good and that is what the year has been for me. Everything before that I have no concrete memories of. I am taking one day at a time. My friends and family are there in America, but they too are moving forward without me as I am without them. I cannot get hung up thinking or wishing to be by their sides because we are all living our own lives. But Japan has really brought me closer to my father in whatever way that could mean. I grew up hating my father in some way for being distant and just not being the father figure I wanted, but I have learned to have more respect for him then I did in the past, and he has been a help to me which I am very grateful too. This year has been an eyeopener for me honestly. Many things that I took for granted I have come to recognize the preciousness in them. Family, and friendship.

At this point I don’t know what I am saying and really just writing whatever since it sounds cool, I guess. I am happy I came to Japan. I don’t know what the next year will bring but I still have a lot more time here in Japan but I want to make the most of this. I want to learn and experience many more things before I go in the rest of the time I have left here in this country.

Here is to a happy new years. I hope 2009 is full of many enlightening things.