It boggles my mind that I can play games in Japanese and understand what the fuck is going on. I think I have gotten to the point where I can actually read the dialogue in eroge. Knowing another language is amazing.

I hate it when everyone gathers in my flat and just talks very loudly at these hours. It just reminds me of the times where I was a kid but I was forced to go to bed while the adults talked late into the night in the other room. I mean, I like my room mates but this is one reason why I hate living with other people other than myself.

NOISY. Just VERY NOISY. Since coming to Japan I have honestly lost that very strict workaholic schedule I had back at home, but I mean I guess you can’t really blame me since I am in a foreign country. I just kinda wish I had more structure here, and by structure I mean I really didn’t hang around people much and kept to myself.

Also, it just makes it more apparent my social recluse tendencies. It’s not my fault I just don’t have an interest in being very sociable all the time. Can you really blame me for loving my computer and the Internet more than social contact with others? Although, it just makes me hate people because it makes me think that they’re the ones rejecting me by not including me while actually it is I not including myself with them. I’m probably just making a big deal out of nothing.

I don’t know. I can be very paranoid like that which really did cause me a lot of grief in high school, but really a lot of the experiences I have had here in Japanese with the other study abroad students has been a good learning tool and helped me learn maybe that not all people are out to get me and can at least be talked to without being too shy. Can I even consider myself shy anymore I wonder? I am shy talking in front of people when I have to put on a speech which is kinda normal. I’m not shy around girls typically, but it changes dramatically only when I think I have feelings for the person. So maybe some progress has been made in the past few years or so.

Also, I just hate Japanese people some times. I really just want to get back home with my own people in my own country. People with the same mannerisms, expressions and what not as me. People I actually feel I could makes friends with, and go back to possibly having a date with. I am just, I suppose, bitter that it feels like I have been here for so long and have not gotten to know a single Japanese person. My other room mates probably know my Japanese room mate better than I do and they’ve only been here a few months. But, that too, is my own damn fault, I guess. It just feels to me that they don’t have an interest in me. My room mates are like well you gotta talk to them.

Ok, like about what? My interests are totally different than theirs. I’d want to talk about games, anime, and stuff like that. I honestly believe that no matter what, the Japanese people in the dorms just have their pet favorite gaijin, and only hang out and talk with them. Because there has never really been a time where a Japanese person in the dorm initiated a conversation with me. Thus my reasoning that they probably just don’t give a damn about some gaijin male especially one that doesn’t fit their criteria as normal. Us who are more reclusive and nerdy are just kinda shafted perhaps in this society of stuck up people.

Oh well, whatever I guess. I should probably just go back to stop giving a shit because what are people other than just for my personal amusement and to entertain me? And perhaps the occasional personal discussion.

As a pass time project of mine I have been translating an erotic novel. The following sentence I translated as

決してはしゃでいられるような状況ではない
By no means, would this be allowed under normal circumstances.

This definitely isn’t correct since I just kinda made something up but I’m glad I looked into it. Apparently the は in this case isn’t a subject marker like I first thought. It’s actually part of a verb that makes up 燥ぐ (はしゃぐ) which is to make merry, be in high spirits etc. This is honestly what happens when no Kanji is used when there probably should be some. So the sentence actually now makes more sense in the context of what I translated before it.

These are the little battles that Khatzumoto is definitely talking about when it comes to learning Japanese where you should pat yourself on the back and say that you’re learning.

Hrm. I just applied for housing on campus next year at my university. For some reason I thought I would get an e-mail about it. So, now I’m just wait listed since I waited too long to apply. This sucks. Hrm. I hope I get housing. Wouldn’t want to live in a box on campus or something like that. I really thought I would get an e-mail about it. I mean I did last semester but I didn’t apply since I was going to be in Japan this year. Maybe that’s why. Hrm, oh well. I’m sure it’ll work out. I mean, I am a senior. If I complain I’m sure they could do something about it.

It’s gonna suck living in a room with another person or people if I manage to get into supplemental housing. My first and only year so far at Penn State was awesome because I was in a room that was for two people but my room mate moved out like the second or third week so I had the thing to myself. It really made the year enjoyable for me since I could do what I wanted in the room at any time. Didn’t have to worry about anything else, and it was just over all awesome.

I need to look into the details about class selections soon. I don’t want to be screwed over with that now. Ugh, I hate responsibility. I’ve thrown all of that out of the window ever since I got to Japan but now that I’ll be returning to America soon I need to start thinking about college, classes, and what I am going to do after I graduate kinda stuff… I really don’t want to be thrown back into reality. I so desperately want to return home, but then that means growing up and gaining a little more responsibility than when I left it.

I really hope I can get my job back at Sears for the summer. Dare I actually try and find a new job. I just need a job when I get back so I can start gradually to pay back all the money I used here, and not to mention just build up some kind of savings again. I so miss having an income.

Also, if it is one person I miss most from home it is my dad. I never would have thought because for the longest time I’ve been pretty neutral about him even for some time hated him. I never really liked him much when I younger and into my high school years. I thought of him as a constant annoyance and I never got the kind of space that I wanted. I hated how he dropped out of college, and just works in retail. He never made anything of himself, I thought. But coming to Japan and a little bit when I was living at Penn State did I really realize that he has done a lot for me and he cares despite me being so ungrateful for so long. He may not have been the best kind of father as far as being one that gives the greatest advice or very worldly knowledgeable, but that’s okay.

He has been there for me in his own way, and maybe he has realized it long before me that maybe I didn’t need the advice that I always thought fathers gave to their sons because I never really needed the advice to begin with. My head has always been in the right place and no matter how troll esque I try to be deep down I am really just a nice guy. Still, it would have saved me some grief if he tried to comfort me more when I needed it but even then I probably wouldn’t have opened up to him. Maybe the time is soon to just sit down and talk about that kind of stuff.

Taking a personal day off from class never hurt anyone

I went to bed around 2am last night and when I woke up I really didn’t feel like going to class. Normally I weigh the pros and cons of not going which follows by me accepting my responsibility of going to class and to just man up that it was my fault for going to bed so late. I also had a Kanji quiz too. Although, I was just like fuck it this time and just went back to bed. I didn’t know any of the Kanji that well so there was no point in me going. Sure there was the chance of me getting some right but the torture of then having to sit through class after that didn’t make me feel too good.

I needed this day off. I just needed to catch up on some sleep, and reboot my brain. This Japanese thing everyday for the amount of time it is just is too much even if it is a subject I like. I was able to reorganize my thoughts and prioritize what I’m going to do from here. Did some of the work that is going to be due the rest of the week, and also started to study ahead of time for things again since I have been slacking in both getting homework done early and studying early.

I was also able to just get this stupid scholarship letter writing out of the way. 500 words of fluff. I have to write a resume too which I will probably do soon after I eat and what not.

Let me tell you, if I thought sitting through my classes back home was torture going back after having to sit through the 3 hour classes here in IJ, I’ll probably be able to sit through fucking anything. They don’t even call on me in class at all. It’s like they’ve totally just given up on me. That guy can never learn Japanese he is a lost cause. Oh well, least I know I can learn Japanese. Least I know classes suck and only help on the slightest level. Tests aren’t everything and only measure how well you can take a damn test.

This is the thing. I used to be one that felt nothing can be better than taking a class. You can’t learn from a book well. You can’t teach yourself things to a certain extent. You need someone certified to pass down their knowledge to you. But I’ve realized that’s bullshit just propagated by society. If you don’t go to school you’re a failure. If you don’t have a piece of paper that claims you know this and that you aren’t anything. That’s such bullshit. I’m tired of classes since they’re generally very boring and unimportant. Those math classes I took, I don’t remember anything besides the basic shit I need to know. I’m tired of learning things from other people especially the stuff society claims I need to learn to be a well rounded person. Classes have helped me more or less, but the most of important and interesting things I have learned have come out of self study or in books I have read out of my own interests.

I know people like worldly and open minded people, but I have to say that I do censor the information that comes through me. I only retain the shit that is important, and the rest of the stuff I just kind of let it pass through enough to get through the class, but when it’s over I forget it. So tired of school wasting my time sitting through bullshit I don’t need to know for my major. This really has nothing to do with Japanese right now, but I have to pick my classes soon for when I return to America.

I had to ask my parents once again for money. I hate asking for money but they’re like don’t worry. I am going to be in debt for the rest of my life…

BLAH BLAH BLAH – I hate writing these things

scholarship letter

My name is Bryan BLAH BLAH BLAH, and I am a Japanese major with an Asian studies minor with a 3.38 cumulative GPA. I am very dedicated to my major and always looking to improve and learn more about it. From August 2008 until May 2009 I will have been studying and living in Japan via the study abroad program provided by IES at Penn State. Living in Japan has given me a better understanding of my education as a whole, and has helped me to grow as a person and student.

The way of teaching in Japan is very different from America. It has taught me to use my time better, get projects and homework done earlier, furthermore to strive harder for academic success. Also by living in another country I have been able to see and compare the values and ideas of one country, namely Japan, to my own. There have also been not only Japanese but other students studying abroad from all different countries and backgrounds. I have been able to talk to these students which helped me learn about other countries and other parts of America this way. The experiences that I have gained helped me to grow in understanding of my place as an individual, and interacting better socially on a global scale.

Before leaving for Japan, I was involved with some extra curricular activities. I was a member of the Japanese Association where we explored various Japanese customs and helped to bring awareness of Japanese culture to Penn State. One thing we did was get a troupe of Japanese puppeteers to preform last year. Another such club I was in related to Japanese popular media in the form of cartoons called anime. In the Penn State Anime Organization, we would watch anime together and also hold social events for others to come to. One such ongoing social event is Setsucon which is a convention where anime can be watched, anime merchandise is sold, and sometimes people come in dressing up as characters from these shows.

My career goals are to graduate at the latest spring 2010. During this time, I will be applying for the JET program which I hope to be a part of once I have graduated from Penn State. The JET program is a program where they take English speaking students who have knowledge of Japanese and have them teach and help English speaking students in Japan. I hope that by being involved with this program will further give me experience in Japanese much like my time abroad in Japan has been.

At Penn State, learning Japanese has set me apart from other students since the Japanese program is an ever growing program with only a hand full of students majoring in it. Being a Japanese major requires hard work and dedication because it is a foreign language. I have displayed this through my grades that I care about my education and hold it as a high priority during my time at Penn State.

Drunk post over 9000

Sometimes I just get this feeling like I want sex. I just want to be like an animal. I want to be with someone but with no real emotion or real feeling there, and yet that is something I am afraid of most. Sex just seems like something vile and disgusting. Something so embarrassing and stupid. Two naked bodies just pounding into each other. More and more I feel like love means less and less in a world with a growing divorce rate. I mean, haven’t scientist and all those kinds of people proven that love is really just a bunch of nerves going off in your head anyway? Love really doesn’t mean anything, and I think it is just humans trying to put meaning into an animal instinct anyway. Isn’t it natural for one to want to reproduce and to spread one’s genes?

It is just so stupid. All of it. I wouldn’t even want a girlfriend for normal things since I am just a sick bastard. I suppose, if she would just model for me in various types of clothes as I would fap to her would be fine with me since sex to me just seems so vile. And yet sex is something I regularly fap to. It is weird, I guess. Rather, I think it is more about what the female is wearing that I fap to than the actually sex.

Also, I am the worst of chauvinists. I have been for the longest time, I think. Women are weak and need a man to protect them. Women can’t do anything. Women are useless in most fields, and distract men. Women should be the ones working in the kitchen or doing the tasks in the house.

Also, I hate Japanese women. Maybe it is because of the Mifuyu thing but it just seems like Japanese… No Asian women in general are just not winnable. Asian women suck and I should have realized this from my childhood days. I cannot wait till I return back to America because it just seems like things will become easier all around after this Japan shit. Fuck those lies that say foreign Asian women want gaijin cock because it is a god damn lie. Japanese women from my observations just seem so fake anyway. They’re all dressed the same and all dolled up. Generally, I hate jeans on woman since I really like stockings and pantyhose but to be honest I really miss seeing a woman dressed in sweatpants or jeans and going to class. I mean, in America most girls don’t get dolled up for that shit. It’s just school so who the fuck cares?

Ugh, it just makes me sick. I should really start compiling that list of all the things that I will and won’t miss about Japan. I probably should have started this a long time ago too, but oh well. I probably should have been writing here a long time ago too. It would have saved me so many depressing days last semester.

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKEND GONE

Yeah so I like how the IJ500 teachers completely destroyed my weekend. So much homework is due on Monday, they give us a heads up about a project we have to do alone and finally gave us our mid terms back.

If I look at it this way, I didn`t do bad on the mid term at all. I did fine on the parts that mattered. It was the reading section that killed me and cost me 12 or so points from the 65.3% that I had gotten. The thing is that the reading part is the last section that they hand out. It is so stupid because I have to pick out the answers from a reading that I don`t really remember well. And by this time I usually have about a half hour to finish which is not enough at all.

I think it might have gone better if the reading part was one of the first sections they hand out. That way I can do better and take my time a little more and then blow through the rest of the test.

But I guess you could say that then I should just blow through the beginning parts first just as fast, but for some reason they always seem to take up just as much time. Mostly because their questions are so ambigious and I doubt what should be filled in the blank or be written in their half completed sentences. Also, I think it might have helped if I had gone over some of the reading section`s old homework.

Oh well, enough of that I am not taking it to heart much since I`m not taking Japanese to pass tests. Tests don`t mean anything. Class has been beneficial but I have been finding my self study to be a whole lot more effective, and helpful. I just go to class and take all the stuff in. Study and just do what I can. I am making progress. I am where I should be. There is no reason I should beat myself up for not being fluent or a higher level. You cannot start at step 1 and then move to step 8. Things are gradually. So, I`m not going to stress too much over my grades or whatever this time.

So, this project we have to do. Last semester, the IJ500 people actually worked in the group to do this but for us we all have to do this ourselves. It is total bullshit, but on the otherhand I kinda want to do this. We have to talk to Japanese people asking them something to see how they feel and then complile this into a report and a project.

I think this can be interesting but let`s think about who we`re asking. Japanese people. It`s bad enough they`re all so wishy washy and then to ask them how they feel about something is like AIIIIIIRRRRR. I`m doing my topic on what Japanese people think of anime compared to Americans. This is right up my alley and I will probably use my blog to ask for people`s input.

Mid term for the semester is tomorrow but I haven’t really been studying. It is only on 3 chapters and we only have an hour to complete it so I take it won’t take very long to really review anyway since the test probably isn’t all that long. Plus I took a nap earlier so I doubt I will be going to bed any time soon. In these cases, I always seem to find myself watching Youtube videos to avert myself from studying. I usually turn to Angry Video Game Nerd videos since they’re always amusing and speed runs of various old Nintendo games.

Not much has been going on as always. Although, I have been getting kind of lazy with everything, but I blame the weather. It suddenly just got cold again in the last few days which really puts a damper on my mood. What is it with a burst of warm air and sunny skies that just makes me more highly productive and motivated, I wonder? Despite this I have been continuing to learn new Kanji on a day to day basis. Hopefully by the time I return to America I will have 672 Kanji under my belt which is pretty much grades 1 to half of 5. When I first started to learn Kanji via the Tuttle flash cards. I really didn’t see much of an improvement, but ever since I’ve started volume 2 and being here in Japan, Kanji knowledge and recognition has improved significantly, which is pretty much the only thing I seem to be good at in regards to the Japanese language.

My assumption is even if my speaking is shit if I can learn Kanji and improve my reading skills eventually through magic I should be able to pick up on speaking. This has become my ace in the hole so to speak. Not to mention it just allows me to consume more popular media from Japan at an ever growing rate. Recently I have become friends with a Japanese college student who is an anime fan on the Internet, and we exchange 感想 (impressions) about various shows and also help each other out with our studies of our respected foreign languages. I read his blog which isn’t too hard to understand and his entries are relatively short. The Internet has everything. Haven’t really made any Japanese friends in real life here in Japan, but the Internet never fails me. There seem to be a few other Japanese web blogs that have linked to me, but whenever I comment or whatever they never seem to reply, and that is very discouraging to a reader no matter what country they’re from. So, I have just stopped going to them no matter how good or bad the content is.

A few neat things coming up in the next few days. Idolm@ster SP comes out tomorrow for the PSP. The release date is the 19th, but I have found that things seem to come out a day earlier than the prescribed release date for some reason in Japan. Yukari Tamura’s concert is on the 22nd in Kaneyama. I will probably be the only gaijin there out of many Japanese fans. I am a little anxious but also a little amused to see if I will garner any kind of reaction from the Japanese fans. I hear that these concerts usually have merchandise you can buy which is just horrible because I will probably buy more things, and then just ask my parents once again for money to fund my final trip here in Japan. Lastly Yoakena MC is released on the 27th. I’m wondering if I should have preordered this or not. I haven’t seen a case where things get sold out in Japan but I also want the special edition copy.

There has been a lurking 悩み(worry) in the back of my head about just how am I going to get the things that I have back home. I bought a ton of stuff already. I’ve decided to just save that to when March comes around when I probably will start getting some things together to send back home. There is still a lot of things that I want to buy here. Most of it being the Hibikino Watcher magazines off Japanese Amazon with their advance discs for the date simulation game, Tokimeki Memorial 2.

I’m not sure how they work but they allowed the other female characters speak your name during the game other than the heroine and your teacher. These are hard to find with the CD and are out of print. Amazon Japan has some people selling them which are used but you can’t get them from America so now is really my only chance to grab them or wait till they some how appear on Ebay like the one I just bought. I bought from the guy before so I can count on a good condition product at least. Well, there goes the 14 dollars I made on the ads on my site. Least it paid for the shipping and some of the price itself.

Ok, time to actually study…

Valentine’s Day was pretty damn normal as usually. I was feeling alright, and the weather was real nice and warm today. I went for a walk. I ended up in Osu after an hour of walking and it was there I realized how small Nagoya must really be or maybe I just walk fast I dunno. I pretty much just walked around to the usual stores that I go to in Osu like Wonder Goo and Gamers. A lot of stuff is coming out soon that I want to buy. Namely Idolmaster on the PSP, and Yoake Mae Yori Ruriiro Na Moonlight Cradle, an eroge, on the PC. I normally would just download most eroge I get but I really liked the original Yoakena so I might as well purchase this rehash with new characters from the PS2 port and added story elements plus a new character. If it has a new H scene involving Mia it will make me all the more happier. She is just too cute.

Walking around Osu though kinda put me in a worse mood since all I really seemed to pay attention to was the couples walking around. Also, I must look like shit to everyone else since I haven’t really shaved in days, and long hair is “messy” I guess. In my last entry I mentioned briefly about having to purge the faults of my own character. This is another thing I forgot to mention. I’d probably have to start wearing fancier clothes, and look a certain way that I don’t want to. Especially in Japan I have noticed if I guy isn’t dressed or looks a certain way there probably is no way he will find a girlfriend. Japan is kinda a weird place in this regard with the whole maintaining an outward appearance and only inside one’s home do they really let loose. I can understand the whole dressing nice but sometimes it just seems so excessive like high heels to class? Uh…

In a way I really want to return back to America because I miss American ways of doing things, beliefs and I dare say American culture. I like Japan and I have grown accustomed to things here now but there are just some things from back home that I liked better than here, but I just cannot put my finger on anything in particular. I will probably be able to make better distinctions when I return to America.

I really do go off on tangents a lot. That is something I like to do so that is what one must get used to when they read my personal blog. Browsing around Osu I really only seemed to see couples everywhere and that put me in a bad mood. Then I saw a gaijin male with a Japanese woman who seemed to glace back at me with a sly smile as she clasped her gaijin prize’s hand. That was the icing on the cake. I was just kinda pissed off from there.

I took the subway back home since I didn’t feel like buying anything. Speaking of buying, I forgot to mention that I am low on money. I spent a lot of money in Tokyo and probably more than I should have. I have about 550 dollars in the bank. I used up my rent for this month. So that means I have to use the food money along with the rent money for March to pay for February and March. Where am I going to get food money if I need to pay for Idolmaster on the 19th which is $150 plus whatever else I might buy that day? because apparently they’re selling special accessory packs… And then I want to buy Yoakena MC on the 27th and of course I want to get the special edition version which is about $100. So that leaves me with about $300. Oh boy, and I want to go to Kasumi in March. I am quite hesitant in asking my parents for more money since I have already asked about 3 or 4 times over the course of my year stay so far. I would feel some regret though if I weren’t able to see the setting for Air during my stay here.

They’re always like, “We’re on your side.” and “Think nothing of it.” But it really does make me feel bad, and I mean I seem to be spending a lot of it on anime. Well, no I lie. I only spent a lot on anime those two times for Christmas and just recently for my birthday which is really no different than what I would do in America so maybe I shouldn’t feel so bad.

People were going to go to Outback today but it was canceled because they couldn’t get tables. Well, dur it is Valentine’s Day plus you need to 予約 that shit in advance. So, I dunno they went out some where but I didn’t go. I stayed in my room and fell asleep. I was acting like an asshole as usual as they were trying to make plans for a new place to go. I was suggesting Yoshinoya and McDonald’s and such. It was all in good fun. Anyone who really takes me seriously most of the time really needs to get their head examined.

Rebekkah came into my room as I was sleeping. I acted kinda grumpy to her at first and wondered what the hell was going on. Did I flag an H event? Then my thoughts went to “There is a girl in my room. I hope there is nothing around that looks weird.” I didn’t see any doujinshi or porn on my computer screen so I thought I was alright. Apparently she wanted to give me some chocolate that she had made for me and other people. So, I in a tired manner thanked her and said that I would eat it later after taking a picture of it. She left suggesting I should go back to sleep.

Later I went jogging and that was pretty much it to the day. Today I am going to Iga prefecture with IES to see some ninjas. I’m only familiar with Iga prefecture from the eroge, Sengoku Rance. In Sengoku Rance it was basically a land of ninja rulers. God, I regret not buying that Suzume figure now… It is amazing what kind of shit you can learn from a porn game based off of ancient Japanese history.