I find myself drinking whiskey almost every night just to relieve the stress. Fucking IJ500.

IJ500 has broken me.

So I’ve been playing Harvest Moon on the PSP as of late, and I would have to say that it’s fun and it’s actually worthwhile to play since I’m learning Japanese from it. A lot of the Kanji in the game are Kanji I am actually going over on my own right now like mine 鉱山, copper ore 銅鉱, milk 乳, sprout 芽 and the like. Also, seeing Japanese I have seen in the past that I actually looked up for before has been showing up like costume 衣装.

Which just reinforces what I now believe is the only difference between me and someone who is at a higher level of Japanese speaking and comprehension is that they’ve done the work. They’ve said the phrases over and over. Looked up the vocab and the Kanji. I’m getting there すこしづす and there is no reason to beat myself up over certain things. Although, I really should get in the habit of looking up one or two Kanji as I play Harvest Moon because most of the stuff that comes up I can read but there is also a good amount I can’t. The game is full of mostly farming vocabulary, but it’s helpful in its own right I think. It’s a simple game that is actually something I am interested in and on just the right level I can understand it without too much difficulty.

So yeah, things have been winding down here. Still trying to get over that period of being off because I still don’t feel like doing formal studying despite playing games in Japanese is studying anyway since it involves reading, and comprehension.

Handing out surveys to Japanese students at Nanzan tomorrow who probably know nothing about anime or at least the kind of info I want. OH BOY.

Totally hate it when Ryohei takes a shower at like 2 in the morning, and sings loudly in the shower which wakes me up every time since my dorm room is near the bathroom. I mean, wtf? Just WTF? Can’t you do this during the daylight hours or when I’m not actually in bed?

I have concluded that learning anything in any formal way in Japan sucks.

I feel so not motivated for this language. I also want to see my family.

Well, least it’s vacation time.

Getting into long lasting relationships in the first place is futile. Man was never meant to have them with anyone. We’re ultimately just wired to have sex and reproduce. It is just things like religion that try to push the basic animal instincts aside and make it into something with “meaning”. I am satisfied with this. I believe this is true. And yet I want to believe otherwise, and just act ignorant to these facts. Human emotions are such a complex thing.

Sometimes I try to wrap my head around if we have free will or not. If it is all just an illusion of deep intertwined decisions we made long ago that are just continuing to effect each and everyone of us today.

I still don’t understand the position that man is something special though. In the grand scheme of things man is rather insignificant. Yet, time and time again it amazes me that I am this life form, and this entity called a human. That I have this ability to perceive and be conscious of the world around me. I suppose there are those out there that are born and just don’t even give their lives a second thought. They just take it that being human is normal. That they things they can do is normal. Thinking and being conscious is normal. I don’t think it is normal, and I cannot help but think of it as strange. It is just so weird that I am this thing. There probably is no purpose either to me being here. I just am here and some how I am aware of this.

I wish I could take full advantage of what it is to be a human but like all humans I too am weak for some reason.

Wow, people look back and think of me as a god tier troll on /a/. Wow, just wow. My life is complete.

Being sociable is overrated.

So I’ve pretty much given up on class. Japanese class just isn’t helping me and I’m not seeing the results I’ve wanted. I mean, my grades have been horrible. All it shows is that I’m a bad test taker, right? (And that my listening skills probably suck) I’ve started to do a few things on my own and I can see improvements, and I really wish I had done some of these things when I was first starting Japanese like listening to the audio and writing sentences using the grammar or just saying sentences aloud with with the grammar. I wish I had done those things because I really start to use them more when you start saying them aloud on my own. Also, I had forgotten how beneficial it is to do self translation because I am just recognizing grammar, and Kanji all over the place. Although, I’m probably still being too literally in my English conversions.

I really take back the whole learning Japanese all the time method. I have been picking a choosing what I like about it and applying it to my own learning. Also, I like a lot of the encouraging words he says. I have, in particular, taken what he says about people that appear more fluent than yourself to heart. The only real difference is that they’ve put more time into Japanese, they’re familiar with the patterns, the grammar, the kanji and vocab. It’s memory now to them. I can be like that too if I put in the effort as well. It’s not some lofty far off goal. No one is just born with these talents. They put in the time to get that way. So, if I put in the time I can get that way too.

I also regret brushing off a lot of Japanese over the summer before coming to Japan. I wasn’t reviewing and practicing at all, which was probably the cause of my initial what the hell is going on here troubles when I first arrived. Can’t let this happen again.

Get me out of this fucking country

I’m really tired of being here. I’m really stressed out. I feel like people and being sociable is getting in the way and being distracting to what I think is more important. I’m not getting enough sleep. I’m tired of getting up for a 9am class. Tired of the homework and irrelevant material we’re covering. Japanese just isn’t fun anymore in the classroom. Fucking get me out of here and back into America.