Things are going well. I wish I had a job so I could be making some income but regardless I am in my own way making the most of my time.

I believe for the longest time I have always been set on improving myself whether it be gaining knowledge, keeping in shape, trying to improve myself overall. It does make me wonder though how one can improve without human interaction as in having a group of friends. I mean, I do have a group of friends here, but in my spare time I don’t actively look for friendship or intimacy. I’m very dependent in this respect. But as I was going to get to it makes me wonder. How can I improve certain faults in my character if I don’t have certain amounts of interaction? For example, if you have a tendency to lie, how can you improve your situation of not lying if you don’t have people to lie to is the kinds of things I am getting at. People act as a mirror to see the self. Don’t get me wrong. I am all for interaction and meeting people, but I’m not one to start a conversation or initiate things mostly due to no interest, I suppose. But if there is a level of interest, say, I heard such and such person was interested in something I was or whatever I might initiate something because there is that common base interest.

At the very least, I proven to myself I don’t have difficultly meeting new people or making friends because I met a lot of people while I was in Japan and learned a lot of new things. But the common theme between all those things was we were all interested in similar things. There was a chance of having the same interests from the start.

So, I’ve been trying lately to be more web savvy. Getting into Twitter, and trying to keep up with anime things and what not. Twitter still seems like the amount of bullshit I thought it was before I signed up. I mean, it’s just AIM away messages on a larger scale, and you can’t even do many of the things Facebook has. If anything I feel like Twitter is for people who want to meet new people. There is this open dialogue of exchange that comes in and out. But with Facebook, it seems mainly restricted to people you know and are familiar with. There is open dialogue but it stays within the circle. So, I suppose Twitter has greater power in this regard I’ve seen. Still not sure of the appeal of Twitter though. People see disinterested with my messages even though they are just as spontanious and not interesting as the few others I am following.

On one side I want to be noticed as a blogger. I mean, I want people to recognize what I’ve written and comment about it. I guess my views have changed. In the past I was very much about just writing for my own interests which I still am but I want others to take note of these kinds of things. I dunno. I guess I just want E-peen, which is stupid. I should just stop caring about being noticed, getting hits or whatever and just concentrate on what I like to write about and getting better at that.

Man I need a shower right now…

The book I am currently reading is Sanson’s Japanese history volume 1. Maybe not as good as this but Sanson’s is probably as good as it can get for the everyman even if it stands as being outdated. The thing that surprises me about Japanese early history is just how were they not taken over by Korea, China or even the native Ainu that they often fought off? The early Japanese government was very incompetent and not to mention they borrowed many systems political and religious from the mainland, and used them almost exactly without thinking that it might not work well for their situation. They of course tweaked them to their set needs over time, but still.

I want to read more about history and I feel ashamed that I don’t know so much about many things. Math related. Science related. English related… Many of which I was learning in school but never really paid much attention to or studied with any earnest feelings, but aren’t most students just as uncaring when it comes to their early schooling anyway? Maybe this is an American thing. Maybe it’s just present in families that don’t instill learning as something important in their children. I don’t know. But I’m trying to change this in my life.

I think I might be Humanist but that is something I guess I will research more in detail later.

Who cares if Michael Jackson died?

Who cares if Michael Jackson died? Maybe it is the troll in me to instantly fight against the crowd but does it honestly really matter? To some perhaps, but I was never a fan of his music or his life. I found him to be a creeper actually.

Countless many others die daily but why do we raise those under the class of entertainer up on a pedestal? Many of which live dirty and immoral lives. I will never understand this. As a fellow human being I guess I can sympathize in some way but that is as far as my feelings go.

I just figure death is the natural course of all things. Why get sad or emotional over something so unavoidable and inevitable. Certain causes of death can be avoided and should be stopped.

I’ve been told I can be quite empathetic, but maybe that is just something I show on the outside so I’m not regarded as weird by my peers. I don’t know.

Not something I wanted to come home to

Yeah, celebrating solstice was fine, but I guess coming home to finding my dad sleeping with a woman wasn’t really all that cool. I figured something was up when the lights were off. I actually figured ahead of time though too because he had told me he was helping some woman and talking to her or whatever. I have no idea.

I just wish my dad had the balls to tell me he was doing this kind of thing and not trying to cover it up by saying he is going to the chapel or going to the store or whatever the hell… I mean, I guess it’s his own business but I’m his son.

I’m wondering how I want to take this. Harboring resentment silently or asking for answers. I don’t know. Maybe there is a decent explanation for this. I have no idea.

Maybe I’m tired. Maybe it’s all the coffee I’ve been drinking lately. I don’t know. But for some reason right now at this time it feels like, “Whoa reality. This is reality.”

I probably looked at myself in the mirror a little too long.

I came across a blog today where the girl is just 16 but writes kinda like she’s older. The things she wrote about really reminded me of myself when I was her age and also reminded me of Sarah in a way. That was kinda interesting just really seeing that young people have and will experience the same kinda things you’ve felt and been through.

I feel old…

More bad things about Every man’s battle

I honestly can’t wait till I finish this book. It’s very mind numbing. Maybe I’ll pick up something more Japanese related? Just a little more than halfway to go. Anyway, first of all the title is very misleading I’ve found. It says Every Man’s Battle when it probably should be titled more like Every Married Man’s Battle. The book offers no very substantial advice for a single male because it gives this advice (which is stupid but more on that later) and suggests that you should only look at your wife, your wife can help you, and your sex life will increase when you become more pure among other things it says. …Uh, okay but what about us single guys? So, I felt it is very lacking in this part. A very misleading title.

Second, the authors really assume their audience. Yes, I understand this book is, I suppose, a Christian book albeit an Evangelical one. But come on! They assume I drive a nice car, I have a wife and kids that I need to be an EXCELLENT EXAMPLE TO, I wear a suit everyday, I hold Sunday church meetings or whatever it was, I frequent going on business trips, and among other things. Ok, granted maybe some of these are examples and I could replace maybe like… Ok no. NO. I can’t replace anything in my life with anything remotely similar to the things they assume in my life. As a 22 year old, non-religious whatever I can’t get on the same wavelength as these guys. Not to mention their style of writing just makes me feel like I’m getting stupid. It’s simplified, I guess. I feel like it could have been done better.

I mentioned this before but the sexy examples need to stop. I have to ask what were they thinking and was it necessary? Ok, I can understand the authors wanted to have the readers know that they and others understand them and the kinds of stuff they are going through, but is it entirely necessary to describe the curves of the secretary at the hotel front desk? How her chest just seems to burst out from her blouse and how her ass is tight against her skirt. They do this with a bunch of other examples too. I mean, your book is about trying to stop lustful and sexual thoughts, right? Duh! Why are you doing this to your reader many of which by the way they describe how men are wouldn’t even be able to handle their descriptions.

That is another thing about this book that sets me off. It keeps going on and on about how just because of my maleness I am bound to fall in this trap and a lot of the things they write about would probably make any normal person feel loathing and self guilt over just being male and having normal sexual feelings. I hate how the authors merely look at things in a total black and white manner. It just doesn’t make any sense because I feel a man can look at a woman and admire and say, “Yes, that woman is real cute/sexy.” or whatever, and NOT undress her with his eyes, dream about wanting her, or even just spontaneously start masturbating to her. It’s stupid. But to these authors it seems like men only want sex, and that is all they have on their brain. They’re always looking at billboards of sexy women, always looking at playboy, and always looking at the sexy jogger in the skippy bikini. Maybe some men have this problem but most certainly not all.

A lot of the stories from the men that they interviewed were also rather strange. Maybe I just couldn’t relate because a lot of them were from married men. Maybe it’s just me, but I think if you’re forcing your wife to let you masturbate to Playboy before sex, or he’s looking at other women or whatever. I really think you need something more than some prayers, a god and some ministry guy’s advice can provide. Maybe a psychiatrist or marriage councilor. Oh well, what do I know? Like I said, I’m 22 single, and never really had a deep relationship with a female in my life. So, maybe my criticisms aren’t valid enough.

The book itself doesn’t even get into it’s sexual purity advice until midway. All the way up to that point it’s more like a pep talk. The advice they give bouncing your eyes and controlling your mind is rather general and kinda like a no brainer. I mean, I had even read about this stuff in a lot of Tom Merton books, and stuff by the Dali Lama and in Buddhism in general so really their techniques are nothing new to me. Couldn’t they offer something more? Not to mention I doubt these kinds of techniques would help the kind of people they’ve interviewed for this book.

Ugh, this book just makes me feel very icky inside. One of the worst religious kinda books I’ve read that is for sure.

Every Man’s Battle more like Every Man’s hunk of bird shit

Well, I want to make reading a habit in my life so what better time than now when I don’t have a job for the summer? I have a ton of books that I buy that I just never read so I want to try and make an effort to read these ones first. So, I picked out Every Man’s Battle. Oh why did I ever buy this book? I guess I was another person back then which was at least 5 years ago, but even when I was more Christian I wouldn’t have read this book. My doctor at the time actually recommended it to me for some reason. I think because I said I masturbated? I dunno. The doctor I went to during my teen years was a weirdo. He was always very religious to me and shoving his religion down my throat. Oh well.

Anyway, this book is about sexual integrity, which is weird because I have no idea why I would buy this, but since I did pay the $14 dollars at the time I might as well read it. So, I finished the first chapter. Jeez, I could do nothing but complain the entire time. The fact that it is a book geared towards Christians isn’t even the problem. It is a shit poor book so far.

First the books is supposed to help you relieve yourself from being lustful or whatever. How does it expect to do that when the stupid stories from the people they interviewed are so sexually descriptive. Describing the curves on the woman’s butt or how big her breasts were. Bullshit. Way to fail at what you’re trying to stop.

Second the abundance of stereotypes. They make it seem like every man has this stupid problem. Sure I masturbate. Sure I look at porn of not real girls and real girls and all that jazz, but the men described in this book are total weirdos and lowlifes. They paint a picture that all men get off when seeing some kind of sexual scene in a movie or go down to the local gym to see women exercise and jack off in the car. WTF? Granted I’ve only read the first part and they do say they’re going to center around the men that are in between not having a problem and being extremely addictive. So, I dunno. I still doubt it will get better because they make it sound like men are some unholy sexual beast while women don’t face these kinds of issues. Ridiculous.

Those were my main probs that didn’t deal with the Christian aspect of it. Even though so far it really didn’t seem to have much of a Christian message going on. Well, there is some talk but it really all it seems like is fluff to me with some Bible verses thrown in. Anyway, I’m getting off track. Maybe this is more modern youth talk coming from me here but I never understood the whole Christian thing of hating your sex drive. I like porn, and I like sexual things. I think most males do. But I don’t let it freakin control my life. What is so wrong about masturbating and just having a fantasy to relax? I guess some people just can’t control it, and it is a problem when it does take a strong hold in your life. When it becomes an addiction.

I don’t let these things control me, but maybe so strongly to a point I’m just not being honest with myself, which causes two selves, but that is something outside the scope of this. Another thing I really hate about this book is if you’re masturbating, looking at porn or being a voyeur while you’re married like some of the guys in this book you don’t need some guy in the sky and prayers to save you. You need to stop, get a slap to the face and get told you need to see a psychiatrist or marriage counselor. It’s ridiculous that people believe that prayer and a little self control can just change a person. This books is horrible and I can see this straight from the start. I’m only going to finish it because it makes me angry, and I like things that do that in the way this book makes me feel.

I’m just glad I don’t let this shit weigh on my mind anymore. I feel more free than I ever did when I was in that Christian phase. I realize I have problems and set backs in my character but I don’t think of them as “sins” that need to be purged by some guy every few weeks. Things like that always weighed on my mind, “I sinned again. I am so worthless.” Those kinds of feelings. Now I just think of it as things I’m trying to work on improving but I don’t pain too much attention to the failing part. Oh well, enough ranting. Maybe I was a little too critical towards Christinity in this one, and maybe even hateful. Oh well.

Prayer

Sometimes I have this feeling like I want to pray to god and give thanks for all the things in my life or whatever. I find the human mind so amazing and all that jazz.

But then I remember there is no god.

I can’t explain this, but I feel I’m under extreme pressure right now and it is all self-induced. I am not sure why or how it happened but since yesterday I just have this feeling and this unbelievable amount of energy that I need to study Japanese. I need to do this. I need to progress. Study more. Read more. Listen more. More more more. I can’t relax, and do other things except browse Facebook, my blog, a few other random things and draw. I’m wondering if I should just go with it because these feelings might just die down in the next few days or just force myself to do other things. Maybe it is just my way of putting my angry energies from what happened to my packages to positive use? I think for now I am just going to go with it because it’s probably a good things, but the not being able to relax and having a tough time sleeping is a pretty shitty downside.

I can’t sleep for the life of me right now and yet my eyes feel so tired. I don’t know what is wrong. Maybe I have been drinking too much coffee lately. I love coffee and I honestly drink it like water, and drinking a whole lot of coffee probably isn’t very good for my body either.

A lot has gone on recently. Well maybe not too much. I mean, I was in Cape Cod just a few days ago with Erik and some other people. Oh, some drama went down but nothing that really effected me personally so nothing really to write about there. It was a good trip but what happened kinda put a damper on everything else.

I got one of the two packages that I sent out in Japan. Lost at least $400 or more dollars worth of merchandise. This package was filled nearly to the brim with things and what was left was only a few things which were left severely damaged. I honestly screamed for a few seconds, and amazingly that felt good to get that out of my system. Sometimes you just need to let it out and maybe that is why everyone is so crazy in this world. They just let it all bottle up inside them. I dunno. Anyway, I lost a lot of things and I still feel kinda down about it but I mean, they’re just material things, and in the end what does it matter? Still I spent the money on them and that is what was making me angry. I should have went with EMS, but I was broke by that point… Oh well no use thinking about it. What is done is done.

Some how I feel very motivated again to study though. Probably because I finally got all those Kanji cards into Anki that I know. So that’s good. Been reading more Japanese material, and trying to cut down on English material. ALTHOUGH. I really don’t visit much English material in the first place so it is more like just adding visiting Japanese material into my schedule. Also, I made the mistake of having a backlog to words I don’t know. What I should have been doing is looking them up and then just putting them into Anki. I was so stupid by just adding like 10 or 12 words a day to Anki. Sure that might be good for someone else, but I have a goal here. I need to know this stuff. So, I’ve stopped making a backlog.

Been finding some great study books online as well so I need to sort that shit out as well. If things go smoothly I feel I might reach another level in a few months, but I need to seriously calm down and hurry up. I want to be good now, but I need to take a slow but go at a good pace. I’ve come a long way, and I can see that. Everything I’m doing and trying is getting me closer. I can do this.