Here we go again. I really don’t write about myself as much as I would like to, but I guess if I truly cared I would write more often. The only real reason I first starting keeping a blog was because I had a lot of repressed feelings that needed to get out, and eventually I started writing about anime and games into those entries. Those days were odd looking back at them, and sometimes I wonder why I went through the things that happened and why I went about them in such and such way. I was a weird kid, and I probably do have many kinds of weird tendencies yet, but some of the ones that I did in the past were kind of weird. I wonder why I did them or what would happen if I didn’t do them that way. How would things turn out today?

I guess dwelling on the past isn’t really all that important even though I think we can all learn a thing or two from our past experiences. Sometimes things will arise from my memory that were quite embarrassing or painful. Things that I’ve suppressed and used all my power to forget them, but sometimes they surface. Maybe trivial things in the long run. Someone once said to me,

“Kids today have too many false stresses. They worry about their grades, GPA, and ex cetera, but in the long run does getting one bad grade really matter? Will that still effect your chances of becoming a business president?”

I liked his words. At times I find myself sometimes looking back at my high school years with a distant fondness and a dash of disdain. Truly a time where I mixed with many different young boys and girls, but also a period where much time was lost. Although, at the time you never really think about the “Hrm, I could be doing a lot more with my time right now.” kind of thoughts. I never really fit in with anyone in high school, grade school and even younger years I vaguely remember were such as well. Maybe I never gave it much effort, maybe I didn’t understand.

I don’t think it makes much of a difference if I made the effort to really get to know anyone or not at my high school. I just didn’t fit in with anyone. I had different interests, different views and different ideas. Well, until I caved in for a while and started to believe in Christianity. To this day I don’t know what was going through my head. I feel like I did believe it, and maybe I might have subconsciously brought myself into it so I could be more well liked, and accepted? I don’t know. I still don’t.

I had a few acquaintances in high school, but no one I really could call a friend. No one I really hung out with outside school from my high school. I was just very disinterested with everyone. Maybe if I didn’t go to a Catholic high school perhaps I would have found more people with similar interests but that is a What if…? kind of situation that has no point in trailing down in this entry.

There is a small distant fondness though for my senior year. Nothing in particular happened that was amazing. Just the quiet gentle days. I felt like I was really at peace with myself for the time being. Although my first two years in college would just show how it was a calm before the storm but I really just look over those times as a road bump albeit a long one.

What is the meaning of friendship? Is something I wanted to think about her but I will hold back for now.

I wonder when it was when I stopped thinking to myself? I don’t even know if this is normal. The kinds of thoughts that go through my head are things like “I’m horny so I need to masturbate now.” “I need to take care of various bodily functions.” Despite being rather quite, I’m not a very deep thinker. It’s kind of annoying how being back from Japan I’ve just reverted back to how I was before I left. I find it kind of odd how I made myself into a certain kind of character there. I guess I made up a kind of persona although it was the kind of persona I had wanted to be here at home.

Well, I’m getting tired and I should have went to bed hours ago. So, I’ll just stop with my ramblings here.

Oh, but one more thing. Life never stops surprising me. How people come and go.

I think the way I am living this summer is tolerable. If I were living this way as such for longer than this I probably would go insane though. This is fine for now. I don’t know how my brother was able to live this kind of life for a few years without ever going outside.

But for now I am fine with this kind of life I have this summer. I just wish I spent some time thinking about myself a little more. I most certainly avoid thinking about myself and others.

Eh. I worry about it later. I’m definitely going to stop working from my desktop computer because it is distracting and doesn’t have my Japanese learning things on it. But I’ll probably just making excuses for my recent inability to stay focused. I don’t know.

I like how the Internet brings out our would be, want to be selves or even a hidden side of ourselves. While I was looking myself in the mirror earlier today, I was thinking that I think I have a lot more pride in myself than I show on the outside or even I seem to realize myself.

I think those assumptions might have proven true when I hurt another girl’s feelings unintentionally who is also studying Japanese. I wasn’t thinking when I made a comment saying that I apparently have a reading level of a 6th grader, and that if she is really serious about Japanese she should try grinding more from now on.

She sent me a message saying it hurt her and she isn’t trying hard. I replied back with my apologizes. I really said something stupid. I really wasn’t thinking at all. I’m not going to lie that I think that everyone else isn’t trying as hard as I am as a form of motivation for myself, but I guess I need to realize that is just a fantasy and surely isn’t the truth.

I don’t think my Japanese is good in the slightest, but I guess I take pride in that I have come this far, and maybe I just want to help move people along too so they deserve an extra push. I dunno. Whatever I’m probably just talking out of my ass now. Who cares? I hurt her feelings. I was thinking and I said I was sorry. Back to my studying.

I’m really getting sick of it, but it only makes me more motivated. It’s weird because I acted this way when I was very Christian. When I succumbed to sin it only made me want to try and overcome it. And now, my weaknesses and short comings with Japanese are making me want to try harder and improve. Oh well it’s all the same thing anyway.

It has finally donned on me that to do Japanese all the time. Really fucking means to do Japanese all the time. I finally understand it some weird cosmic way. Listen when you don’t understand regardless. Weed out and sample what interests me. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. If I like something I’m bound to keep coming back to it. I understand now. I always thought that since he or she did something that way it would work for me too, but not everyone is the same. Not everyone likes or learns the say way. I’m not drawn to certain things in English because their the best thing my language has to offer. NO! It’s because it interests me.

The more and more I grow in fluency, the more I can try new things and grow in interest in Japanese things, but for now I can only deal with the tools and material that interest me here at this level.

I feel like I may not be gaining material wealth this summer, but I feel like I am gaining a great heap of wealth when it comes to learning about myself, forming a work ethic, and striving for a future I want. But for all I know this might just crumble in a few months. Although if this really all matters and is truly important to me as I feel then this will not happen. I fear it though. I fear it much like how my religious beliefs crumbled in such a way when I had this devoted, and some what passionate dedication to it. I suppose I will have to wait and see.

I’ve been well, sorta. I was at a party at Sam’s on the 3rd? I think it was. That was only a few days ago… Hmm I totally lose track of things in the summer. Anyway, the party was fine. Ross played some interesting tunes with his band. Erik and I definitely drank a little too much. Least Erik’s girlfriend was able to take us back to Erik’s. I heard things weren’t so good on Erik’s end that night. I probably shouldn’t have driven home that night. Driving drunk is serious and shouldn’t ever be done. I don’t know how I got home. I should have stayed at Erik’s but I knew I was going to crash. I didn’t what to be that kind of burden, but I think he wouldn’t care because I mean driving drunk is serious. So, I guess it’s more of a pride thing on my end. So, when I got home I was basically in the bathroom that entire night. I must have fallen asleep because my dad later woke me up there. Man I was hit hard that night and all because I didn’t eat enough. Usually at these things I’m munching on stuff but I wasn’t here and thus this is what happens. It’s so embarrassing and I hate these kinds of things.

I kind of stopped my Japanese studying for a bit because I wanted to get Persona 4 completed, and now that it’s been finished I’ve been gradually getting the water boiling again. My only real problem is I’m not consuming any Japanese material. Everything I’ve been doing is in English. I need to fit more Japanese things into my day. Maybe it’s taken far too long but in two years of study I almost have the 1,006 Kanji memorized that children up to the 6th grade learn. So that means I will soon have the reading level of a 6th grader in Japan.

Ordered some games of eBay. Not sure how they are I guess I’ll have to wait and see.

I kinda feel bad for not utilizing the outside environment but I’m not a very active person aside from just lifting weights indoors. I mean what am I going to do anyway? I have no money to do anything. No job… Well, least that camping trip is coming up. I wonder how that will go. I’ll have to bring some things to just keep me occupied Japanese study wise.

I’ve been reading volume 1 of Japanese history by Sansom. Man, this guy can sometimes just go on long tangents with tons of name dropping and some things I just don’t follow well. I get the jist of it and I guess that is some what important. Not to mention, Japanese early government structure isn’t something I’m heavily interested in. I basically just take what I get out of it, I guess. It’s not a bad book though. Definitely a good buy for anyone who is interested in Japanese history on a level much more in depth then some of the things out there. Still, I liked the Japanese basic history I got at my college even if it was kinda basic.

I guess a problem I have is if I’m working on something for a long time or taking too long to finish something over a course of time. I feel this urge that I absolutely need to start devoting all my time to it to just get it over and done with. I do it a lot with books, anime and games. Right now I’ve clocked in about 100 hours into Persona 4 for some reason and I am close to the end, but man it just seems never ending. So, I just gotta get it done.

Sucky thing is when I do this I just put down all the other important stuff I was doing.