What did I do this summer?
August 22, 2009
I’m trying to figure out what I did all summer that soaked up a lot of time because I feel so empty right now like there is absolutely nothing to do. Maybe it is that initial feeling of being in a new place? I dunno. I’m back up at PSU again, and I feel so bored. I mean, I’m watching anime right now like I would on most days but I’m not really sure how to explain this feeling. Maybe I’ll just watch some more shows and then start studying and go for a jog. I’m sure once the semester really begins I’ll have a lot to do. This is just the calm before the storm. Most definitely.
The mystery to why my hair has been feeling dead as of late has been solved. It was something as simple as just not washing it fully and really drying it properly. I’ll have to keep this in mind in the future.
Well, as I said I want to write more.
As much as I know I need to I just don’t want to take responsibility for my life. I know it’s childish and not very adult. I’m just tired of having to make things work to get anywhere. I wish things would magically just happen without much effort. I’m half serious here. I’ve come to accept that no matter what I do for myself I’m going to have to exert effort.
Stress has been a current problem because things are piling on and I really can’t do anything about it yet. I’m hoping that once classes begin and such things will start falling into place but the initial. The problem with me is no matter what I tell people their responses are, “You can do it.” or anything along those lines. It’s so easy for other people to say “You can do it.” or “Good luck.” They really have no meaning to me from anyone. I can only believe in myself and my own strength. I’m not satisfied until I see the results. It’s never about what I did or how hard I worked. Those never guarantee the hopeful end.
Maybe to someone else this is very pessimistic but I find it realistic. I don’t hold unwarranted expectations. I need something concrete. I got to make this work. If it doesn’t work out I don’t look at anything as a failure. The worst of it is I don’t get into JET.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me physically. I haven’t been feeling well for a few days. I hope it’s nothing serious. I’m going to hold off on drinking coffee for the time being and drink more water since I haven’t been drinking a lot of it lately. Going to bed. Hopefully my mind will be clearer. Slowly getting a work ethic back, but mostly due to fear.
I feel real down right now. I don’t know why. I never really know why and I usually just take it as chemical imbalances or whatever. I say this every time but I wish I were writing more about my personal thoughts and not just my hobbies and things I do in my spare time. I think I say this too but by writing about myself I get to reaffirm what my values and beliefs are. I learn a lot about myself. I’ve just so lost the habit of writing personally.
I don’t know where to begin. There are a lot of things floating around in my head. Many things I’ve wanted to write down but there were far too many times I just put it off, and now that I am here writing today I feel like everything that I have been holding back is just going to spill over. I have no idea where to begin, but life keeps going on. I’ll come back when I feel a little more stable because anything else would probably just me acting melodramatic. But I will say this.
It probably wouldn’t make things any better but I wish my life had some intimacy in it. If not that more connections to different and new people. I want a life where I can go where I please. I hate being so restricted by my parents, having no money, and other such factors.
I know I’m going back to college for one more semester. I hope I can make an effort to form some bonds or just get out more. At least Ali, Renee, Bobby and them will all be there. Maybe it won’t be so bad. I want to make this last semester fun for myself, but also one where I can feel satisfied educationally. This college chapter of my life is going to be closing soon. It all went too fast.
