Fetishes hurt

Why am I so attracted to women in pantyhose? It hurts so much to see one wearing them outside. I like it and am so drawn to them, but damn I am going to die alone and unloved.

Lost it – Fell off

My second to last button on my coat fell off. I am sad. Time to buy a new coat soon. Not like I haven’t wanted something new for a while now.

Maybe I could try my hand at sowing them back on. I have the others that fell off too.

How?

Going over the JLPT2 vocab and finding a lot of word useful. Wondering how I even survived in Japan without knowing a lot of these words.

Oh, wait I hardly talked in Japanese unless I had to.

How depressing.

A farewell to coffee

Giving up coffee 4 life. Hello, water.

How I got into pantyhose -ZOMG Mature Content-

Two years ago was the time where I realized I had a pantyhose fetish. Weird the kinds of things you realize when you start to organize your porn folder by category. I used to have everything in one large folder. Haha…

Coffee -A friend and foe-

I feel like so many thoughts are just breaking through. So many yearnings, longings, fears, desires, and everything coming out. The flood gates have been broken. It has been a long time since I’ve felt the urge to write my inner world down. Perhaps out of stress and maybe out of a need to recognize my own lonely feelings. Whatever the case, it feels good to write about myself again and not just anime.

It feels good.

I’m not sure why but I feel more hungry lately. I don’t know if it’s tied in with running longer and more intense, but it just feels like I am more hungry. I think I’m eating enough. I don’t snack during the day. The only real thing I like to drink often is coffee. I also find myself taking a shit everyday. Probably eating more fiber. I don’t think I look any healthier despite running more often. If anything I look more tired. I would love to drink less coffee. Maybe I should have a after a certain time kind of thing? It’s probably effecting my ability to sleep better? You can see it in my eyes. I haven’t been fully rested all semester. It’s not even school work. I have no idea. Just staying up late.

I am just a kid pretending to be something I’m not. I want to know things. Appear and dress intellectually. But I am a social recluse at heart. I want to dress this way to fit in and to attract people. To stand out. Not because I want to. Granted, I do have a fondness for reading. I never did read as a kid though.

I will definitely have to find used bookstores and coffee shows back home. I like the atmosphere.

Octopus ~~~~~~~~ Darkness

Hatred only leads to pain. One of things about Buddhism I was first attracted to. Release. Extinguish hatred. Lately, I’ve been seeing a lot of the similarities to myself from high school. Lack of focus, extremely bitter, hateful at the world, and lovelorn.

What has happened to me? I’ve gotten so wrapped up in my bitter emotions again.

I’m stopping. I need to stop doing these kinds of things because it’s just turning me more and more miserable. It was self destructing, but also some what relieving for a time.

Take a deep breath. Let it all out. Need to get better over time. I’m sick of hurting others. Don’t regret it though. What is done is done. I’m just this kind of person.

I have my times of extreme highs and extreme lows. Things will balance out.

I need to shave.

“What I want to say is probably something like this: any single human being, no matter what kind of person he or she may be, is all caught up in the tentacle of this animal like a giant octopus, and getting sucked into the darkness.”

Drink water; walk moderately.

My sexuality.

Monday night I slept rather early. Going to bed at 9pm. Early, huh? I was tired and lacking motivation. Obviously the reason for my sour mood all day. Today is a new day. Perhaps a better mood is debatable but my body feels rested definitely. I look forward to jogging tonight.

The same old Tuesday morning drinking my Grande latte while the professor just wails off about primate penises. Uninteresting but a little amusing.

“Is action merely the incident product of thought, or is thought the consequential product of action?”

Soul searching.

I am a thinker, for too long have I shut myself off from myself.

“Walk alot; drink your water slowly.”

“Walk slowly; drink lots of water.”

My brother
gaps
memories – a drawer where things can be pulled out.

I am not a nice person, I am a coward though

Do I hate the world?

Insults do jack shit to me. I just don’t care. Although, I am nothing outside. Who knows, I just have a few different sides to myself.

It’s weird though. I would never want to do harm or insult anyone in real life. Well, I do, but ok a lot. But usually with friends because I trust them. It is like an extension of the nets. I can say stuff like that. But I don’t mean it. The Internet is just a playground. It’s fun for me to have this kind of personality because I can’t show it half the time in reality. Since most of these feelings are counter culture and I’m very weak.

I hate this weakness that I have, and I’m sure everyone feels this way no matter how much they cover it up.

Going to stop trolling Facebook. Totally done. I’m not concerned with the getting beat up threats because they’re just being childish, and Internet assholes, but I’m more concerned with getting banned from Facebook or having to go to court. Those kinds of things such when you’re just having fun. Oh well, it’s all really ridiculous. Perhaps a bit much but it was rather interesting.

I’m feeling remorseful. Deleting some of my more recent complaints. I hate deleting things bad or not. But what’s done is done.

The thing is a lot of the things I say are my bitterness towards the world. I have a lot of issues. I blame school or stress. I dislike being bitter, and yet for a long time I missed it slightly. There was a type of opinionated, angry self in that. A personality that didn’t just sit back passively. Part of me that I loved or ignored for a few years. I think it’s connected to me writing about myself like this.

I can feel like I have values and beliefs again only slightly again.

I hate it when I bit my lip. I just keep biting it accidentally when I eat then.

Maybe I can only be myself when I’m alone. All I do when around other people is try to hurt them.

I forgot everything I wanted to write. I need to write this shit down

What a lax weekend. Nothing of significance. I did get somethings done, I suppose, but not much in the grand scheme of work.

Drank a lot as always on the weekends.

Ate some tacos from Taco Bell today. My god they fucked me up. I felt sick today, but I had such a urge to eat them…

Tried running today but just couldn’t. Too tired and out of it.

I need to buy new socks. All the ones I have are torn and such. This would be easy if I had a job. I need new sneakers too. Would be great to have running shoes…

Gah. I am hopeless. I will definitely die alone and unloved.

I took a nap and it felt good at least. This is the start of a new week. Gotta start studying for the shit coming up.

I love going to this cafe. It’s a quaint place. Feels homely. I’ll miss it. It is a good replacement for Borders which I love going to back home to study and read.