Free Wi-Fi at Borders? This is perhaps the coolest thing I’ve encountered lately. Yeah, I don’t get out enough. But this is real neat. I’ll enjoy taking advantage of this on the days I come up here after I’ve graduated. This is so freaking cool!

Feeling a little better from my depressing kind of entry yesterday. Still feeling a little a melancholy but with a hint of hopefulness? I had talked to Sue my old boss from when I worked at Sears. Maybe not the best time since it was when she was actually about to leave work. I found out that no one works there anymore that I had worked with. Chris. Rochelle. Alicia. All of them pretty much left. Like I said in my entry yesterday. Times are changing. People are moving on. Time is moving on. Not all change is bad. Borders has free Wi-Fi now!

If this is one thing I am reminded by this is take the good and the bad changes together. Never hold onto things. Nothing is permanent. All things rust. So enjoy the time you have.

Silence. I can’t shake off this feeling I’m having tonight. I’m home for the weekend, but I cannot help but feel melancholy. I wonder if others too know this feeling? This feeling of getting older, and scared of one’s own future? I’ve always had college and school for that matter to keep my mind at ease about the future, but soon the ride is going to end. what am I going to do with myself? I’m scared for some reason right now.

I’m still not at ease about graduating even though I’m sure it will work out some how. My grades aren’t good this semester–I know. This last semester will be full of C’s, B’s and probably one D in Anthropology. Oh well, I have no regrets as long as I can get a diploma. I just need to pass but I am worried about this because I hate being on the edge. I’ve always studied hard to avoid this on the edge feeling. I shouldn’t worry.

My future is uncertain and that uncertainty scares me. Where am I going? What am I going to do with myself? It’s as if NOW the real game begins. No more school and off to the real world. The tutorial is over. This is a new feeling and I’m having a hard time shaking this off. The reality of things is being far too real.

I like being home but at the same time this feels weird. Things don’t feel like how they were in the past. Things are changing. People are moving on. My family is moving on. I’m moving on. Then there are those like my grandmother who isn’t moving on, but maybe this is a common theme among all grandmothers. I will always be her little Bryan.

I hope whatever is in store for me in my future goes well. I need to make the right decisions and be aware of these things. Uncertainty is killing me. I don’t want to continue growing up. I don’t want to experience the death of people I love.

An unsettling mood. I should go to bed. It’s 4:30am. I need to start cramming for this huge Geography test on Monday…

Had an interesting dream last night I’m sure of it, but the only part I really remember stands out to me. It’s that I got a pair of pantyhose in the mail. I was very delighted. I probably was going to use them to wear because I was actually worried about the size. Normally this would be excellent but they were fucking tan colored.

I hate tan colored. It’s so bland. Bland as trying to read something from a loved one in white ink. The sentiment is there, but it can’t be enjoyed. I prefer black and white is even better. Different colors aren’t a problem either. Anything but tan. It’s honestly the worst. I suppose you couldn’t call this a good dream. This was more like a nightmare.

Lately I haven’t been worrying about things. Not anything related to school. Those things will take their course. Although, the thing is I know I’m not doing the best I could when it comes to Japanese. I’ve pretty much just been studying the JLPT2 vocab. I could do more. I need to read more, but it’s just the material I have on hand is boring. I don’t want to read the news. I should at least read the manga I have here. I just feel that I know what is written but will I be able to conjure up what I’ve read and use it in my own conversation?

I’ve learned that language acquisition is a tough thing to study. You can tell a student to learn grammar points and such but it really comes down to how they put it into practice. I’ve come to firmly believe it is better to shut up and just listen, and absorb. Forcing myself to speak or write things I don’t know how to convey correctly only lead to difficulty. Maybe this is an excuse? I feel though that the more I read, then the more words and grammar patterns I’ll recognize. This in turn should move into my daily conversation. Course I need to start reading…

When Ali looks at me and says, “I like the trolling.” I can’t help but enjoy it too. I can’t change!

There is this girl in my Anthro class. She looks classy. Her hairstyle is what attracts me. It’s very much like the hime cut.

2nd day of vegetarian life. Not feeling any craving yet or headaches. A little worried about how I might feel in a few more days. Really want to read more about how to live this lifestyle and what to eat. But I can already feel the benefits. I feel less bloated and “full”.

Anime has been put on the back burner, but I still try to keep up with some of the blogs I regularly visit just to keep up with stuff. I really want to import a few games like Tales of Vesperia, and the Lunar remake/port on the PSP. Need a job first though. Once I get a job, I will probably start buying 3 things. 1. Japanese material 2. Put money aside for college debts. 3. Clothing

Fuck sexuality. I hate being extremely horny. I know I would be a different person if I had sex and even had a relationship, but I haven’t. I hate yearning for sexual things. I don’t view them as evil or dirty, just distracting. It is for my sexual reasons I desire a relationship. I just want to defile and feel good.

I want to experience a relationship where I would put in more emotion. It is this reason I don’t seek out relationships. Sure, half of it is I’m scared to strike up a conversation with a random female, but I feel if I get some inclination that I need to pursue this-I will.

But at the same time, due to my childhood upbringing, my short relationship, and just general observations about humanity, I’ve grown bitter about human relations and what it means to love. I find love to be extremely animalistic. There is nothing deeper to it than just attraction. I don’t believe in a true love. I just am very doubtful of love and relations. My comments to people my own age, I see on Facebook, is that their marriage won’t last long. Marriages never last. The only reason people stayed together was because of society or religion. Now there isn’t that problem anymore. You’re better of just not even trying it.

There is a girl in my Asian Relations class who occasionally wears colored pantyhose. It’s ridiculous. See, I tell you my feelings are purely shallow and animalistic. I just want to defile. I want to ruin women. If I could I would just eat them up.

This is the darkness of myself that I don’t acknowledge. I’m not a very nice person and this is why I don’t anyone.

Feeling mellow today. Neither horribly happy or deeply depressed. Woke up and greeted the day without much trouble. Still getting used to this putting the hour back thing.

A lot is going to be coming up in the next few days.

If anything this week I must finish my Asian presentation, JET application, and study for my two tests.

Trying to survive. I’ve decided that I am going to try out the vegetarian lifestyle for the entire month. No real motive or reason. Just want to try it out. I hope it goes better than trying to quit drinking coffee though. This is something I must research.

I know I never smile lately. I’m gloomy inside and lacking confidence I once had. I hate how I judge myself by my grades. If I’m not doing the absolute best I could do I feel horrible, and that’s why this semester has been hard.

I’ve lost interest in school especially things I have no interest in. I have to learn it just because others tell me to. I find myself reading during these lectures than anything else. I hope I pass these classes. Haha…

Being mellow is fine because I’m thinking with my head and not my dick. It’s just been so annoying to have this insatiable thirst for sexual desires. I don’t know if today is a fluke, but I welcome a change if my Johnny has finally calmed down.

I didn’t like how I didn’t answer to her question. Fucking work on that. It was kinda creepy.

Don’t over analyze though. I was fine, I think

Feel very low today. Today is one of those days I wouldn’t mind dying or having all of humanity wiped out but me kinda days.

Why am I so attracted to women in pantyhose? It hurts so much to see one wearing them outside. I like it and am so drawn to them, but damn I am going to die alone and unloved.

My second to last button on my coat fell off. I am sad. Time to buy a new coat soon. Not like I haven’t wanted something new for a while now.

Maybe I could try my hand at sowing them back on. I have the others that fell off too.

Going over the JLPT2 vocab and finding a lot of word useful. Wondering how I even survived in Japan without knowing a lot of these words.

Oh, wait I hardly talked in Japanese unless I had to.

How depressing.