I want to do the best I can, but I’m filled which such anxiety from my lack of experience, and uncertainty. I’m not confident in what I do, and I wish I could speak with other people, other ALTs, about this, but it seems like no one understands or really minds it.

Is this something that I’ll just get over as time goes on?

Maybe then it might boost my confidence a little because I’m reading other people’s experiences and learning from them.

Teaching English is easy, but I seem to take it all very seriously because it is something that should be taken seriously. But maybe my worries aren’t something I should worry too much about on the whole because I know I won’t be fired without warning. And I know if there are any issues, I’m going to be told about it personally and how to improve on it. It’s not something I want to hear, but it’s better than not being given and chance and just being fired flat out.

I need to relax more. I’m too young for this.

I think we all know about my hatred for the English setup in South Korea, and seriously coming to Japan has been a god sent for me. Not only to live a more stress free life but also to better grapple the things I like about the country. Japan isn’t without it’s problems and one of those problems is its English teaching thing. I have my gripes about it. I think what is most frustrating about it is no one really wants to discuss their gripes with me, but I guess at the end of the day there is really nothing at all us foreigners can do. And just complaining about it and wishing it were better isn’t going to change anything.

I think one of my main gripes about being a co-teacher is too much is expected of the native English speaker. For example, sure I can speak English, but hell if I know the grammar rules of it. This is something I hear talked about in forums a lot. I can agree with this. It’s tough being in the middle of class and then being asked maybe a usage of a word or something. I honestly wouldn’t know, and I think most people wouldn’t either unless they were actually, you know, English teachers and studied English. Likewise, I think I probably know more about Japanese grammar than the common Japanese person does. But since we’re the native English speaker, more weight and responsibility is put on us in this respect.

Another thing I feel like is expected of us is what we can offer to the table, which is fine, but the expectations are too high. I, and many others who come to Asia to help teach English aren’t real teachers. That’s why I put “teacher” in quotes. There is so much training and money spent on the what native English speaker can and should do, but I don’t really see much about the how part. Like how can it be implemented? How can I better this? From what I’m aware of the Japanese English teachers get very little to zero training about how to better use the native English speaker in the classroom, which I feel that they should. I’m not a teacher in any real sense so why is so much weight put on my shoulders to teach English. Sure there is trial and error, and I can go to training, but like I said expectations are high.

I was at a party a few months back and I was talking to a guy. We were both kinda drunk but he had read a lot of my complaints about the English teaching method here in Japan. I was like, “Yeah, high expectations… yadda yadda yadda… I think the Japanese teacher should help us learn how to teach.” His response was one that made sense but also didn’t. “No. It’s not the Japanese teacher’s responsibility to teach you. They expect you to already know how to do it, and what to expect.” Sure this sounds fine. I can understand. The Japanese English teacher is busy. They have their own things to do. Ok. Then why is it Japan time and time again hires foreigners with no credentials other than being able to speak English in their classrooms? With that said, I think some responsibility should be places on the Japanese English teacher as well to instruct and guide the native English teacher. But alas this isn’t a perfect world.

Then there is the teacher to student aspect of the job. It is tough. My god. Because I fill the roles of being a teacher, a foreigner and a role model. Two of which I myself can’t handle very well. It’s tough because you’re dealing with students who all have their unique personalities, goals and ambitions. I honestly never thought I would be in such a role. Some students are going to like you and while you may try not everyone will like you. I believe some students just look down on me because either I’m a foreigner, I’m 24 and I like anime or both. Well, their loss I suppose. But honestly it’s not easy at all and I’m sure it’s not just me but all for all teachers. But for someone like me who is as introverted as introverted, it’s a little harder because it’s tiring to be always ON in such a way that makes you appear energetic, and outgoing during every school day. I like the job and I like the students but I’d totally love a job more focused, and less crowded with many different faces.

Going back to the adult world again in the next few days. Feeling slight anxiouty because I haven’t really been around people in a while. I’ve gotten used to being relatively emotionless for a while. Ahh I don’t know. I hope things will brighten up in the next few days. I know things are really dependent on your own outlook on life though.

I’ve decided to not delete my Facebook. Just deleted people I don’t talk to. Put others under privacy settings and what not. Put other people I don’t care for on hide. Maybe I didn’t fully understand what social networking is or rather what it has become? I don’t know. I do know it’s all like a facade, and I hate facades. I would rather people be straight forward about things.

I need to go out and buy my lunch for tomorrow since I have job training early in the morning. Ugh… A coworker called me asking if I wanted to take a ride with him which was nice. He always seems to be looking out for me or rather the most concerned about me or what I’m doing. Perhaps because I’m the most quietest of people. I appreciate it I guess. I’m just not a people person and it’s nothing personal.

Just a few months and spring will be here. Not to mention my own birthday…

I’m really sick of Facebook. All my “friends” aren’t really friends. Mostly just people I studied with in the past, and other coworkers. I don’t really know them at all. My true friends are people I could count on my hand. I also hate how Facebook destroys the mystery of getting to know a person. It’s like you friend a person and find all their stuff written there and you already know a lot about them. It’s actually pretty scary. I’ve worked with the privacy settings and now limited what my coworkers can see and all that. I wish I had done this months ago but it’s better now then never.

But that also bring up the issue that I really have no good friendships here. I have some people that I hang around with here but I guess nothing aside from that. I did go out with a couple and we travel around the area looking for stuff but maybe I appeared bored to them? And they stopped contacting me or having anything to do with me in that way. It’s true that I have a hard time showing myself to people. I don’t know what it is with me.

But that’s fine. I’ve always been alone. All I can do is strive to do things by myself. To better myself and strive to be better than those who don’t acknowledge me. The only one you can truely trust is yourself.

The thing is ever since coming to Japan I’ve been falling in and out of exercising. It’s like since I’m here I don’t want to just go out and exercise. I’d much rather sit on my butt and play a game or watch anime. I didn’t do that much in South Korea because I never really felt like I wanted to a lot of the time. Korea was boring for me and I didn’t have many options to stay entertained so all I did was exercise a lot. Plus it was one of the few things keeping me sane and stress free, which was probably why I pushed myself a lot and did it very often. Here I don’t feel very stressed out nor do I need that release. So that’s perhaps why I have less of a focus on that here.

Although, it’s not like I eat snacks and what not. I don’t eat snacks very often because I just don’t. Drinking alcohol is my main vice though. I need to stop because I find myself just drinking out of boredom and I know that isn’t right. I think I have a minor dependance on alcohol, but it’s not serious as in it gets in the way of my work or my responsibilities. I’m trying to once again just try not to drink alone. Last time I tried I last at least 2 weeks. It’s possible.

My sleep schedule is also out of whack as well. I don’t know if it’s because my body is detoxing or because of my throat but I’ve just been feeling very sluggish as well. Maybe I’ll feel better when I start eating better foods and exercising again.

The New Year has come and gone. I’ve had a nice little week to myself in Tokyo. Mostly doing very otaku things, but it felt good. But now that I’m back home here, I can’t help but feel alone. Traveling and doing what I like is good when I can but now being back, I feel absolutely at a loss. Maybe it’s me just adjusting to getting my life back into a balance? I was surrounding but tons of people for a while there and now I’m suddenly back in this small rural town. I’ve probably gained weight again but nothing like a little exercise and fasting can’t heal up.

I hate Facebook lately, and I hate the people I’m friends with. I don’t even know why I really use it anymore. Mostly just to keep in touch with family, post photos and talk to a few friends from back home that I grew up with. Yeah, I’m hating on Facebook again, but it just seems like what’s the point for me to use it when no one really has any interest in what I say. No one wants to enter the conversation. I guess this is why I seem to use Twitter more now. But even that is very on and off. I also don’t have any friends around here. I do have some people I hang out with on occasion, but at the end of the day we’re more or less acquaintances than good friends. Is that all relationships turn into once school is over? I don’t know.

I’m just very moody lately. I can’t explain it. I feel very insignificant and I’m always worried about my job as if I’m going to be fired. I don’t know why I let this bother me. It’s not like I’m not trying to do my job. I don’t know. I’m known to be paranoid.

Winter vacation is coming up. Probably going to check out Kamakura and the Daibutsu there. I could use some time off for awhile.

Ate 78 yen curry rice for a Thanksgiving dinner. lol

I hope I remember to buy snacks for DnD tomorrow night.